Did you seriously find your way here?

It's hard to imagine there are any readers after six years of silence. Six years that were not silent in content, only in Tangents: adjusting to marriage, leaving my religious tradition, finding a new form of faith, going to seminary, and starting a new progressive online faith community. 

If you're an old friend and you wondered, "I wonder what that one guy is up to, the one who sort of looks like Shrek... I think he was into math?", and somehow that question brought you here, you've strangely come to the right place. This used to be my blog. 

But all good things, and all blogs, must come to an end. Barring an alien invasion where the aliens have one specific weakness (like those water-allergic aliens in Signs or those blind-and-too-sensitive-to-sound aliens in A Quiet Place), and their one weakness is me writing another Tangent, this will be this blog's last stand. 

I'm still writing articles, though, so if you actually came here on purpose and it was to read stuff, just head on over to the Harbor Blog. It's less rambly and funny, and more buttoned-up and post-evangelical, but it's still blog pieces from me. 

Looking back on my old posts here, I realize it wouldn't be a Tangent if I didn't grovel for comments. So if you are reading this, perhaps desperately checking to see if I'm delivering the aliens’ kryptonite, go ahead and let me know who you are any how you ended up here. 

Love,

Jon

A Dude's Guide to Matchmaking

Friends,

If there's one thing I know about really liking something, it's that if "you really like it, you want more." But if I know a second thing about liking something, it's this: when you really like something, you want other people to know about it, experience it, and like it too.

This may explain why the moment I began seriously dating my now-wife Ashley, I also began a hell-bent campaign to find soulmates for every single person I knew. Okay, okay, I'm exaggerating a little bit, but the point remains that I've made myself available as a matchmaker for anyone who wants one.

Since I don't know which one of my four readers is reading this right now, I can say this: of course, I don't know how you feel about matchmaking. You may be a big fan who has personally taken part in, or even benefited from, the craft. Perhaps you think people like me should just stay out of other people's lives and mind our own business.

Don't worry, I'm not writing to defend the practice, and what follows should be mostly free from controversy. These are just my observations about setting people up, and whether you're the matcher or the matchee, I hope there will be something here for you...


The Art of the Match
Keep these in mind if you're following the life strategy of "the opposite of Tangent Space(s)'s advice"


1. Match-making is really hard
For two people to form a lasting, loving, successful bond, so many things need to go right. There have to be meaningful attractions and commonalities on physical, intellectual, spiritual, and emotional levels. To think that "that one friend of yours" will be an ideal match for your coworker's sibling is sort of insane. I'm not saying you should shy away from making the connection, but let's all lose the habit of saying things like, "She's perfect for you!"

2. Match-making is extra weird in today's world of pseudo-dating
I'm no expert on modern romance, but I think we're all familiar with the trends. Directness and phone calls are out, while texting and emojis are in. There may be some pros to this movement, but one con is that ambiguity seems to be at an all-time high. It's hard to say if someone is truly interested or if there will be another date. Thus, you get to share in this tension when you are a third party who knows and remains friends with both people.

3. If you want to bring people together, just write a blog
And here the shrewd reader will discern that I'm pulling a bait-and-switch of sorts. You see, for some time I've needed to exult in the following two Tangent Space(s) accomplishments, and this post is the perfect place to do it...

a. My marriage
If you haven't heard this incredible story (yeah, I'm referring to the story of me and my wife as "incredible"), I'll gladly tell you the whole thing sometime. But for our current purposes, you just need to know that this blog was instrumental in my meeting Ashley. We first "met" on another person's blog, at which point Ashley came here and read TS(s); according to her, she immediately knew that we were meant to be together. 

This isn't match-making in the typical sense, of course, since I was part of the match. But don't worry, a Tangent has successfully made another match as well...

b. Scott's marriage
I have a Minnesotan friend named Scott. To make a long story short, I once wrote a series of posts (backed by some impressive faux research) urging people to rise above the completely meaningless "Happy birthday!" Facebook posts and to take five seconds to personalize such posts. Scott--who himself credits my blog posts as his motivation--personalized a Facebook birthday post on a woman's wall, and that very personalization led to their first date. They're now married.

[Here is the post that originally inspired Scott, and here's his telling of the story (scroll down to his comment).]


If your mind isn't blown, you have some sort of robotic circuitry where your human, feeling brain is supposed to be. For real though, you never know the impact a small action is going to have on another person's (or your own) life. Writing a blog could lead you to your future wife. Offering to the public a crucially important, timely, sage, well-articulated piece of advice about social media posts could lead a distant friend to marry a Brazilian woman.



Match-Making and You
...and your perfect soulmate

Have you done any match-making? How'd it go?

Have your friends made a match for you?


Jon

A Soda Fountain Adventure

Friends,

Some of you, no doubt, read S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders sometime around middle school. It was part of the curriculum in my county, so I found myself reading it aloud in class many times, my pubescent voice cracking at every change of inflection. I wonder what my classmates thought when I was called on to read; I was a good reader, but man, those voice cracks.

But today's topic is too grand for me to get bogged down in memories of 1997 and my changing body. The reason I bring up Hinton's coming-of-age novel is that it prominently features Robert Frost's "Nothing Gold Can Stay," especially its titular final line:

Nature’s first green is gold, 

Her hardest hue to hold. 

Her early leaf’s a flower; 

But only so an hour. 

Then leaf subsides to leaf. 

So Eden sank to grief, 

So dawn goes down to day. 

Nothing gold can stay.

I'm glad I was exposed to this poem in middle school, because it helped me in high school when the well went dry... the well of the sweet nectar of life.


Baby Come Back
Or I'll bring you back in a laboratory like a modern-day Dr. Frankenstein

The discontinuation of Tropical Sprite Remix was, to me, The Day the Music Died. If you had the privilege of tasting this heavenly concoction, you know exactly what I mean. If you didn't, you were deprived one of life's true masterpieces...

...until now.

Coca-cola (always leading) has developed a fountain machine, called Freestyle, that allows you to thoroughly customize your soda beverage. You've probably seen one in a Qdoba, Five Guys, or some other fast casual restaurant.

Just saying whatever comes into the top of my head... freestylin'

One glorious day, it occurred to me that Sprite is one of the beverages in the Freestyle. That for each beverage in the machine, there are plenty of flavor syrups to mix and match. And that, if the stars aligned perfectly, if God saw fit to pour out a special blessing on a random dude like me, perhaps those flavors could combine their powers to summon forth the Captain Planet of beverages.

On most machines, these are the flavor options for Sprite:

L to R: cherry, orange, vanilla, strawberry, raspberry, grape, peach

I could stretch this into a novella, but that would require inventing a villain hellbent on denying the world of delicious flavor combinations. Too dark. So I'll just cut to the chase...

It was only a matter of time and experimentation until I rediscovered the magic of Tropical Sprite Remix. Here's the formula that will change your life (in the sense that reading it, like any action you take, adds to your cumulative life experience):

Please try this.

A Drink By Any Other Name
Would at least closely resemble the taste of its former self

What is your current favorite soda beverage?
Have you made any fun creations in the Coca-Cola Freestyle?

Jon

What's Wrong with Pyramid Schemes?

Friends,

Well, it's been almost a year since our last Tangent. I can't offer you a good excuse, but I can give you three bad ones:

• I've been adjusting to a new job
• I moved to a new apartment
• All my free time has been spent watching Food Network shows on Netflix

Look, Chopped and Kitchen Nightmares are fascinating. Anyway, summer is here, so for at least the next 2 months (and hopefully longer), Tangent Space(s) is back! And we start with a topic I honestly can't believe I haven't written about before... pyramid schemes.

Pyramids Everywhere

I don't know who built the pyramids, but charismatic entrepreneurs built the schemes

You probably know what a pyramid scheme is. I don't want to insult your intelligence. But the idea deserves some examination, because it's just that good. I think the simplest definition of a pyramid scheme is an organization or business that...

(i) requires you to pay to become an employee

(ii) gives you a payout when you or your recruits bring in new employees

Now, first of all, if a certain company or business came to mind when you read that, then yes, that company is a pyramid scheme. Amway. Mary Kay. And if your Facebook newsfeed is anything like mine... doTerra Oils.

Before you jump to the defense of one (or another) of these pyramids, let me assure you: I'm not completely anti-pyramid. There's something brilliant about a scheme that, if there were only enough people to keep bringing in, would make everyone rich. And I recognize that these companies don't only do the multi-level marketing, independent consultant/salesperson, recruitment "scheme" part. They also sell products!

You may think that these companies exist because they're passionate about cosmetics or natural health solutions. In some cases, that may be true. But there's also the terrible (like a car crash you can't look away from) possibility that they exist solely to make money off recruitment, and have added the sale of a product to remain legal and reputable. At the end of the day, though, they need to sell actual products not just for legal reasons, but for sustainability reasons: there are only so many people willing to become an independent salesperson, so eventually the recruits (and their entry fees) run out!

Well then, what's the problem? So some companies have shrewdly opened up two revenue streams-- product sales and employee recruitment. Is that really a problem?

Panera, we have a problem

Woe to the man who joins a pyramid scheme just before the pyramid collapses

There are probably actual, systemic issues with pyramid schemes, even the legit ones. For instance, an unsustainable business will ultimately crush its most recent members, as the tiny text above indicates. But I don't blog to expose actual, systemic issues. I do it to make lists of things that annoy me.

With that in mind, I give you the Top Four Problems with Pyramid Schemes

1. Public recruitment meetings

A face-to-face meeting is needed to recruit and bring on a new salesperson. So while the actual sale of product takes place at home parties or online, the recruitment meeting always takes place at the table next to me in Panera. This makes me an unwanted third wheel in your scheming. Get an office.

2. A strange correlation with pseudoscience 

I don't know why, but pyramid schemes and fake science seem to go hand in 100%-natural-oil-soaked hand. To give an example, I will directly lift text from a Facebook post hawking a nutrition supplement, Shaklee. [The person who posted it is wonderful, so... I'm sorry.] Here's what the post says:

"Shaklee is a company that has conducted countless clinical studies, published over 90 peer-reviewed articles published in well-known journals..."

And yet a thorough scouring of Shaklee's website reveals no effort to link to any of these journal articles, nor does it explain the results of these studies. There is just no credible science here, but there are plenty of outrageous scientific claims--the site refers to its latest supplement as "the latest advancement in brain science" and that it will "immediately enhance mental sharpness." If you doubt its efficacy, don't worry: it's "clinically proven" (no link or explanation provided).

[Note: I found a claim that all the articles are mentioned by name in the company's official sales catalog. But also note: the Wikipedia page for Shaklee, section "Pyramid scheme convictions and accusations", reveals some of the grim ramifications of the pyramid model.]

3. Taking over my Facebook newsfeed

I'm so sorry to pick on that same Shaklee salesperson, but because numbers don't lie... It is June 16. Since June 1, this salesperson has posted 10 times about Shaklee's products and why I should consider using them and/or selling them (hitting up both halves of the revenue stream).

So, fearlessly extrapolating from the super small sample size of one person, we can guess that a pyramid seller posts advertisements(!) to Facebook about 20 times per month. And here's the point I'm trying to make: they have to do so in that line of business. When your livelihood depends on your known associates buying from you and/or joining your company, and you are forced to buy inventory that you then have to move-- a lot of people will be "unfollowing" you on Facebook.

4. A culture of guilt

This might be the worst aspect of the pyramid scheme. Because your client base is your group of friends, family, coworkers (from your other job at Starbucks), and neighbors, you have to hit them up for sales. And here's the thing--they know your livelihood depends on making these sales. So even though there are plenty of good elements to the product you're selling or the fun make-up/jewelry/candle/clothing party your aunt threw for you, the fact remains that those people feel obligated to buy your product. 

You know they feel obligated, but you have to ask them anyway. And that obligation to buy is sort of like climate change; you may insist to them it doesn't exist, but it still does. (And I've spent time essentially being a professional fundraiser, so I understand this dynamic quite well.)

Schemers, Unite

Or completely disband, either way

I'm reading over this post, and it comes across way more anti-pyramid than I meant it to. If anyone is offended, I'm sorry. For the record, I think most of these companies, pet peeves aside, are legitimate businesses that sell good products. That being said, don't ask me to buy your essential oils, Nerium skin care products, Jamberry nail wraps, dietary supplements, weight-loss wraps, knife sets, or candles. 

• What do you think about pyramid schemes? Have you bought or sold from a "multi-level marketing" company?

Jon

Credit: ateacherscoda.com
This is from an article called "The Peer Coaching Pyramid Scheme," describing a model for improving education through teachers' peer mentoring. So hey, pyramid schemes are making the world a better place.

[Editor's note: in this post, I used the nomenclature that seemed (and seems) intuitively correct to me--that any organization with a pay-to-work system and kick-backs to your "up-line" workers is a pyramid scheme. Those companies that sell a product are legitimate and legal, while those that don't sell a product are illegitimate and illegal. I've since learned that in business parlance, the former is called "pyramid selling" (or multi-level marketing by its proponents) while the latter illegal version is a "pyramid scheme". It should be noted, then, that in the above post, I am not calling the named companies "schemes" in the illegal, con-artist sense of the phrase.]

No Turn on Red

Friends,

As you go through life, you learn to appreciate silver linings. If a hairdresser cuts your hair way too short and it looks bad, that's a bummer; but hey, it will now be longer until your next haircut and thus you'll save some money. If your favorite basketball or football team is in the tank, at least they'll get a good draft pick next year. If a dog poops in your yard... okay, there's not always a silver lining.

I think this might be why I love turning right on red. Red lights are, in general, a bad part of driving. You just have to sit there. Nothing is happening except that you're becoming a little bit later for that meeting. The more you struggle with boredom and impatience, the worse red lights can be.

That's why it's nice that there's a little silver lining-- if you're turning right, go ahead and make that turn. Red light averted!

...unless you live in Pittsburgh.

A Mystery for the Ages
Well, just the age of automobile transportation

For some reason, in the city limits of Pittsburgh, you're almost never allowed to turn right on red. Sometimes, this makes sense for geographical or traffic reasons. But sometimes it doesn't, and I'm going to highlight just one example of this.

It's a spot any Pitt student, or really anyone who's been to Oakland, will recognize immediately: the stretch of Forbes Ave. between the Cathedral of Learning and Schenley Plaza. Here's a map:

Photo credit: Google Maps

Ok, I want to specifically draw your attention to the intersection, when you're driving on Forbes, at the "end" of Schenley Plaza, before you reach the museums. It's the one I've circled below:

Photo credit: Google Maps, Microsoft Paint

Now, I want you to notice three things about this intersection:

• Forbes is one-way. This means that when you are at a red light on Forbes, there is no oncoming traffic; specifically, there is no oncoming traffic that could have a left green arrow to be turning onto Schenley Drive Extension on your right. Furthermore, the traffic driving up Schenley Drive Ext. can't turn left onto Forbes.
• It's not some sort of zany, steep, curvy, blind, wooded, careening, narrow, or otherwise dangerous turn. This is your standard, 90-degree, open-air right turn.
• Sure, pedestrians cross Schenley Dr Ext. But when Forbes Ave. drivers have a green light is the ideal time for those people to walk, just as at any stoplight. When the traffic perpendicular to you is stopped, you walk across. As for pedestrians crossing Forbes itself, this is the same as any red-light scenario--the stopped, slow-moving drivers turning right on red yield to the easy-to-see, slow-moving pedestrians. No danger whatsoever.

So there's absolutely no reason to stop a driver from turning right, during a red light, from Forbes to Schenley Dr Ext. And yet:

Photo credit: Google Maps Street View

Now, you may not be able to read that little white sign next to the traffic light. So I've taken the liberty of zooming in:

Photo credit: Hell

Have you been mystified by the 'No Turn on Red' traffic laws of Pittsburgh? Does your city do this, too?

Do you have any other traffic rule pet peeves?

Comment below!

Jon

SHARE THE ROAD (they scream)

Friends,

Here's a fun fact about me: I've never been very good at riding a bike. There have been three distinct phases of my life in which riding a bike has been relevant, and each contains its own unpleasant memory.

Elementary school years, Elm Grove neighborhood in Wheeling, WV: my friend Blake came over to ride bikes together, and I accidentally drove mine right into his, knocking us both to the ground.

Middle school years, Oakmont Hills neighborhood in Wheeling, WV: my neighbor Matt was riding in a van with his mom, and just as they drove to a spot right by me, I suddenly and inexplicably fell off my bike to the ground.

College years, mission trip in a large city in "East Asia": I rented a bike to ride it to a neighboring part of the city. While nothing bad actually happened, I pedaled in terror as my mind replayed the above two memories the entire time. It's amazing I survived that 20-minute bike ride.

So, for the purposes of our present conversation, suffice it to say... I have no sympathy for bicyclists.


The Problem with Bikes on the Road
That should read "problems," but the s clashes with the s from bikes

Listen, I know I'm taking an incredibly unpopular line here, particularly in the era of going green. Bikes don't produce the harmful emissions of cars. Riding a bike helps a person stay healthy and fit. Shouldn't we all just work together and make sacrifices for the environment and physical health?!?

Yeah, probably. But I'm not asking everyone to throw away their bikes (or even a more eco-friendly act like turning them into modern art). If you want to bike around to various places, that's your choice and prerogative, as much as it annoys me. But I have two big problems with the way most cyclists seem to do it:

1. Why aren't you obeying any traffic laws??
Cyclists want to be treated on the road like a slow-moving car. My understanding is you yield to them, give them a wide berth, only pass them when you can safely go over into the next (usually oncoming) lane to do so, etc. I'm fine with all that. Bikes can operate and be treated as snail-like, molasses-soaked, slow motion replay, almost-staying-at-rest cars. Whatever. Patience is a virtue, so thank you cyclists, for making me more virtuous. However, why do these "cars" get to run EVERY SINGLE RED LIGHT in the world when no cars are coming? And I mean it--every single one. I've never seen a cyclist who didn't casually pedal through a red light, provided no one was coming. And they're always squeezing between cars waiting at a red light and parked cars just to make sure they can run that red!

2. How can you be so full of rage? Do you think we know car-bicycle laws??
Maybe it's because I'm anciently old, but there were absolutely no questions on my driving test about sharing the road with bikes. There was never an official memo issued years later that said, "Hey drivers, there are now a bunch of slow-moving bicycles right smack in the middle of your driving lane. Sorry if you wanted to be on time to that meeting. Here are the relevant driving laws." So when we legitimately don't know the right way to pass you, or yield to you, or smile as you run every red light, please don't, like, lose your mind and summon the burning ire of all the world's volcanoes. I once unknowingly tried to turn right on red around a group of bikers (who were just sitting there, not making any attempt to turn right themselves), and their grizzled leader seriously almost exploded his own head during his red-faces tirade of screams at me.

A few considerations: I understand that in the large scheme of things, it is the bikers who are at risk in shared road experiences. If they get hit, they can die. Believe me, I want drivers to be informed and safe and for no bikers or drivers to suffer any injuries anywhere at any time (and for you drivers who want to educate yourselves, here's a helpful site). This doesn't change the fact that bicyclists on the road are super annoying. In some sense, the answer to #2 above could simply be, "We're angry at bad driving because our lives are at stake." In theory, yes, of course. But I've seen many cyclists flip out about situations that are not remotely life-threatening, in which the driver's responsibility is not at all clear.

Considerations, cont'd: Furthermore, I've never heard a good explanation for #1 above. I once read a very well-written, angry blog post from a biker about the evils and ignorance of drivers and the glorious innocence of bikers. I wish I could find it now and give you the link. But alas, when I read it years ago, nothing inside me was inspired to bookmark it... Anyway, the writer basically said, "Drivers, when you start obeying traffic laws, so will we." What? Are you kidding me? First of all, imagine a society in which a group of people approaches a law as something they only have to obey if some other group obeys some other law. Secondly, as noted above, we drivers don't know all the laws about bikes on the road--but you certainly know the laws of a red light. Finally, the more you break blatant laws of the road, the more we detest your presence there.

Well, I expect some controversy, if any of my readers are cyclists. That being said, let's keep it friendly (well, to whatever meager standard of friendliness I've set) as we explore:

• Whether as a cyclist or a driver, what has been your experience of sharing the road?

From theclipartwizard.com... photo credits are stupid.

How to Argue on Facebook

Friends,

In one of life's great mysteries, I've been giving a lot of attention to my devotional blog and almost none to this one, though the readership of Tangent Space(s) dwarfs that of the other one. As the New Radicals crooned in the days of my restless youth, "Someday We'll Know why..."

But now, O readers, I present a Tangent forged in the flames of internal fire (once I committed to the vocative 'O', I had to end the sentence with something alliterative and epic). We discuss a topic that I both love and hate, and love to hate, and hate that I love, a topic not unlike a car crash from which I can't look away...

Arguing on Facebook.

The Facebook Argument Paradox
You can't live without them, and you can't make them better... until now.

Here's the thing. In a perfect world, debates-- ethical, political, religious, or otherwise-- wouldn't primarily occur on a superficial, delete-able, Like-able, unfriend-able, poke-able social media site rife with pictures of duckface selfies and newborns. But I'm afraid that's the world we live in.

The truth is that conversations, whether they turn into arguments or not, about things like marriage equality, gun control, religious freedoms, abortion, etc., ought to be happening. While, again, Facebook is far from the ideal place for this, it happens to be the setting, at least for now, where people share their opinions. I think there ought to be a way for people to discuss important issues in the medium that is currently most popular for having discussions.

The problem (which you already know if you've used Facebook during an election year) is that these, ahem, discussions often deteriorate into the text versions of all-out bar fights. (I have absolutely no idea what an actual version of a bar fight is like, but I've watched plenty of motion pictures.) 

How should we respond to the history of mean-spirited, illogical, non sequitur, and/or ad hominem tirades we've seen (or taken part in)? It seems like the two most common responses are to 'sink to their level' by spouting off our own angry outburst, or to flee the scene and not take part in any controversial Facebook conversations.

But what if, instead, we could agree to some ground rules? Because I love Aaron Sorkin, what if we borrowed the rules from the reboot of News Night from his HBO hit The Newsroom (as seen here)? 

Facebook Argument 2.0

1. Is this information that people need in the voting booth?
While this isn't the same rubric you or I would use in our Facebook debates, the principle is the same-- is it worth it to weigh in on this? Just like News Night only has 42 minutes of news it can report, you only have so much time and energy to devote to public forums. Choose topics that are important and about which you know something (otherwise just reading and learning would be better).

2. Is this the best possible form of the argument?
Think before you type. Also, read and re-read what you've written before you hit enter. There are many drawbacks to responding in emotion and haste, and making a bad argument is one of them. If after thought and reflection you realize you can't actually argue your point well, again it's probably better to just read up on the topic instead of entering the fray.

3. Is this story in historical context?
Just like it would be shoddy for a news organization to report one event or quotation outside its historical context, so it is when you or I angrily opine on only one facet, element, or quotation from a much larger issue and ignore the many other factors connected to it. This again calls for thoughtfulness; do I understand the entire issue? To give one small but timely example: in the recent Hobby Lobby decision, religious freedom and contraceptive/women's/health rights are both major factors. Both need to be considered. A man has to do his best to understand a woman's perspective. An irreligious person has to do shis best to understand a religious person's perspective.

Just as Mack randomly added a fourth rule, I will do the same:

4. Be kind.
This seems to be the hardest one. Especially when the person you're arguing with is a 'Facebook friend of a Facebook friend', making them essentially not a real person to you. But here's the thing-- they are all real people (except of course for Catfished profiles, but I'm sure they avoid political debates). The people on Facebook, however ignorant, misguided, 'bigoted', short-sighted, unenlightened, or stupid they may be-- are people. You may despise their opinions, beliefs, arguments, etc., but please still show them basic human respect in your disagreement. This allows an environment in which other people can contribute their ideas on all sides of an issue. If you just bash a person, or even bash them back, the conversation is over.

[Note: I've even called out people before for breaking rule 4. Perhaps I shouldn't have, but I have. They usually respond that they were only violently thrashing the person's stance, not the person himself. If that helps someone sleep at night, then okay. But in my opinion, violent thrashing need not enter the picture at all. Saying, "I have no idea what you mean here... your argument makes no sense to me because... I absolutely disagree with your conclusion because" is so much better, to me, than "your idiotic argument... one of the dumbest things I've ever heard... it's insane that anyone would think that way..."]


What has your experience been with Facebook arguments?

Have I forgotten any crucial rules to making Facebook a better forum?

Do you think we can pull it off? Can social networks be a place where conflicting ideas are meaningfully shared with each other?

Jon

From katu.com

The Great Adverb Mystery of 2010

Friends,

I took about 5 months off from writing Tangents. Many of you may have come to the horrifying, devastating (read: having no visible or felt effect) conclusion that this blog had petered out and died. Alas! No! 

I got married, guys, and while I've still found plenty of ways to waste time, for a while I let go of this blog to figure out my new life. Now that I've done so (read: summer is here), Tangent Space(s) is back.

And we return with a story I meant to blog about a few years ago...

Answering rather brilliantly
"if I do say so myself," which is a weird phrase because it always follows something the speaker did indeed just say

Several years ago, one of my best friends was getting married. Being much cooler and more adventurous than, say, I am, he decided to have his bachelor party in New York City. (Who wants to cavort around Times Square, Broadway, and Central Park when you can comfortably play games in an apartment? But that's not the point of this story.) I wasn't able to make the trip to the Big Apple, so I was home that night, going to sleep at a somewhat reasonable time.

At approximately 3:45am, several hours after my somewhat reasonable bedtime, my phone rang. Now, reader, you may or may not know me well, but either way please believe me when I tell you that when I wake up unexpectedly, I do so as an alternate bear-zombie version of myself. I don't know who or where I am, I paw the air while growling, and my face displays the vacant, heartless stare of the undead.

So it was that Zombie Bear (not a bad Smash Up deck, I bet) Jon answered his phone in the middle of the night, wondering who in the world would call at such an hour. The answer, of course, was a member of my friend's bachelor party; and while the caller's ID will remain secret, it's a safe bet he resembles an iconic 80s teen movie star. The point is, I answered the phone with about 10% brainpower.

"Jon!!!" the caller said, "You're smart!" (At this point I started waking up to flash my modest smile, graciously accepting the compliment.) "We were trying to think of adverbs that don't end in -ly. Can you think of any?!"

Now, there are like 3 things in the world that merit a call at 3:45am:

1. A medical emergency to a loved one
2. The death of a loved one
3. A wake-up call to prepare for a 6am flight

A fun little word challenge is obviously right on the bubble, but I don't think it makes the cut...

At any rate, I think deep down I appreciated the chance to play a role in the bachelor party, so I used what little brain power I had access to and got to work. My first thought was the one that proved to be key, and that was-- remember what an adverb is. It's a word that modifies a verb or adjective (or another adverb, but it was way too early to get that close to adverb-ception). The first category, adverb that modifies verb, isn't very helpful as all the ones that come to mind off the top of one's zombie bear head end in -ly: quickly, furtively, secretly, stealthily (we are apparently modifying the verbs of spies and pickpockets).

But the second function of adverbs! Yes! Which adverbs most commonly modify adjectives? Many of them work, e.g. quite, rather, very, super, and so. I rattled these off, along with the only one I could think of from the first category, "well."

And so, after an episode likely not remembered by the actual attendees of the event, I drifted back to sleep considering myself a Bachelor Party Hero...

What's in an adverb?
other than the letters L and Y

- Can you think of more adverbs that don't end in -ly?
- What's your favorite adverb?

Jon

Not sure if a photo credit is needed for some janky piece of clipart. If so: digilearner.com

Super Bowl 2014: A Guide for the Football-Illiterate

Friends,

Wow, it's been a while since I've given you a Tangent. I'm sorry. During my hiatus, I hope you enjoyed my friend Jeromie's guest post on semicolons. As usual, I have an excuse for my delay; I've been writing a ton for my new devotional blog, the link to which is on the bar above ("The Bible Tangents").

In the past, I've given you a few guides. A dude's guide to chick flicks. A bachelor's guide to home decorating. The (intended) charm of these posts was that I was providing guides on topics I know nothing about, largely to people who probably know a lot more about them.

This guide is different. I know a lot about pro football. And for many of my readers (really trying not to genderalize here), pro football is a mysterious or uninteresting subject. Why, then, would these readers care for a cheat sheet?

Two words: Super Bowl.

Pretty much everyone watches the Super Bowl. Whether it's for the football, the commercials, or the buffalo chicken dip, almost everyone I know tunes in.

Wouldn't it be cool, those of you who aren't football-savvy, to wow your friends with some keen insights and inside football jokes at this year's big party? I hope you just fist-pumped and cried, "Yeah!", because wowing is exactly what I'm going to help you do.

I'm not going to go into tons of details, because here's the deal-- you don't even have to understand these things. Just memorize them, word for word (they're easy), and say them at the right time. Memorize, say. 

Leave the rest to me.

Cheat Sheet for Super Bowl XLVIII
First idea: comment on how long that Roman numeral is

1. "Beast mode (on the field)"
I didn't save the best for last. I gave it to you right out of the gate. Rookie mistake, maybe, but I really want you to use this one. When Seattle (blue/green/teal team) running back (guy who runs with the ball) Marshawn Lynch (will probably have dreads coming out the back of his helmet) does something good, just say "Beast mode!", or if you want to go all out, "Beast mode on the field!" This should impress everyone, because it hearkens back to an amazing interview:

2. Peyton's charity
This is all over the news, but hey, some people steer clear of anything football-related. If that's you, I'll fill you in: whenever Peyton Manning (Denver quarterback) yells "Omaha!" before a play, which he does often, a donation is made to the Peyback Foundation. This won't be super impressive to show off, but you could be creative and/or subtle. I suggest responding to an "Omaha!" with a gentle smile and, "Bless his heart."

3. Denver's shaky defense
Just memorize the fact that Denver has a shaky defense. Is it true? I don't know; I'm too lazy to look up stats right now. But I think it's certainly a reasonable claim. If you point this out, it will stun your football friends. Here's what I recommend: wait until the Seahawks (blue/green/teal team) have a good passing or running play and then nod your head knowingly and observe, "Denver does have a pretty shaky D".

4. Sherman: man or monster?
There's a defensive player (doesn't usually touch the ball, just tackles people) for Seattle (still teal) named Richard Sherman (who will also, coincidentally, have dreads coming out the back of his helmet). You won't have trouble finding him, because the cameras will turn to him early and often. Why? Because he recently gave a rabid, bellowing, frothing post-game TV interview. You can use this to your advantage however you want, but I suggest something like, "Wonder if they'll give him a post-game interview?" 


And that will pretty much make you the star of the Super Bowl party.

For football fans: What other tips do you have for the non-fans?
For the non-fans: Please let me know if you try any of these!!

Jon

Guest Post: The Semicolon

(Today's post, and hopefully what kicks Tangent Space(s) back into high gear, is from my awesome friend Jeromie up in the Great White North. The link to his blog can be found at the end of the post.)

Semicolons; they stand united.
Photo Credit: ilovememphis via Compfight cc

Remember those basic standards tests we had to take back in high school? The ones you needed to pass in order to graduate? At our school we had to meet with our English teacher one-on-one before we could take the writing test.

As I sat down, she quickly assured me that I had nothing to worry about. In fact, she even challenged me to try a few new writing techniques just to spice things up a bit (that's when I knew for a fact teachers really don't read students' papers). Her exact words:

'You should try throwing in a semicolon or two; they're an easy way to bump up your score.'

I took her advice, and ended up scoring a 5 out of 4. You read that right - apparently the writing test people should spend more time with the math test people. I think it was supposed to be a scale of 1 to 4, then 4's were broken down and scaled from 4 to 7. Maybe to make the 2's and 3's not feel as bad as they would if it were 2 out of 7 or 3 out of 7? Who knows...

She had created a monster. I tend to use them everywhere now; not quite as often as the hyphen, but still more than any human should. And now I have an even bigger confession to make - I never actually took the time to learn how to properly use the semicolon!

If you know, please don't share. I'd much rather go on living in my own happy little world.

Instead of learning the rules, I decided to make my own little gradient for connecting phrases in my writing. It goes something like this:

And
Two phrases, one uninterrupted thought. 'She slapped him and walked furiously out the door.'  

Comma
Two phrases, one thought with a slight pause in the middle. 'Reaching the sidwalk, she paused and considered going back for her world-class record collection.'  

Hyphen
Two thoughts, closely connected. Often an effect-cause relationship. 'She decided to forget about them - they would remind her too much of him anyway.'  

Semicolon
Two thoughts that could stand on their own as two sentences. Implies slightly more intimacy than a period. Also implies the writer has a better-than-thou mentality. 'The brake lights disappeared into the distance; he was going to miss her something fierce.'  

So there you have it - my made up rules for writing.


Which grammar rules do you follow religiously? Which do you avoid like the plague? Are any of them rules that you made up yourself?

Jeromie Hamann

WisdomWonderBeauty

Tootsie Pops: a critical review

Friends,

I hope you have an iPhone 4s or 5 for two reasons: (1) I'm about to tell an iPhone story, and (2) iPhones are awesome (I want good things for you).

Like most iPhone owners, I had an initial period of fascination with Siri. Not with her relatively boring functionality, of course, but with her sassy personality. To try to tease this out, I asked her various popular questions to see her responses. For instance, I asked her "Who's on first?", and she aptly replied, "Correct. Who is on first."

One such question is related to our current topic. Check it out:

Oh, the days before I had 4G or could dictate question marks.

That this question has been researched by students at Cambridge raises dire concerns about the state of higher education worldwide. This terror notwithstanding, we forge ahead to the question at hand:

What's up with Tootsie Rolls?
Aside from Tootsie Pop anticlimax

There was a time when I loved Tootsie Pops. An age of innocence, when anything that had sugar filled me with delight. But times have changed ("relationships have become more sophisticated, females less cruel, skins thicker, instincts more developed"), and now I more or less demand that my food taste good from start to finish.

And therein ("as the Bard would tell us") lies the rub. The actual lollipop portion of a Tootsie Pop is pretty awesome, at least in whatever flavor one usually enjoys. I could pound the outside of cherry Tootsie Pops for days (an additional reason I will never buy a bag of them). But, like so many model homes and whitewashed tombs, what's on the inside is so much worse.

Does anyone actually like Tootsie Rolls? If you want to taste chocolate, you can more profitably eat any other chocolate product. In a pinch, you can just imagine the taste of chocolate. I think even that's better than eating a Tootsie Roll. 

Like, instead of giving you actual chocolate, Tootsie Rolls give you a faint semblance of chocolate in chewy-but-not-gooey form. It doesn't melt in your mouth or your hand, it just gets stuck in your teeth.

At least Blow Pops (bought out by the Tootsie Roll corporation in 1988) give you some utility at the end of the lollipop. That gum may only be enjoyable for 18 seconds, but hey, that's 18 seconds more than you're getting from a Tootsie Roll. At least the bubble gum isn't pretending to be edible.



I have two questions for you:
Can you think of a chocolate item worse than a Tootsie Roll?
Blow Pops or Tootsie Pops?

Jon

Tangential Vignette -- The Hero

Friends,

As you probably know, Tangent Space(s) has existed thus far as a home for observations, ideas, and rants.  I've tried to be funny and thought-provoking as I share about things I love or hate.  I'm so glad you've read (and will hopefully keep reading!) these tangents.

Now I'm going to try something new: fiction!  Here's a short story I thought of today and hammered out.  Well, I don't think it's long or thorough enough to even be a 'short story'.  Let's go with 'vignette'.  I'm sure it's very improvable, but I don't have the patience to work on it more.  So here it is, in its raw, untested, original form--the first Tangent Spaces(s) vignette.

The Hero

          Our hero strode forward confidently. Something near this city sidewalk was emitting a foul odor that smelled faintly of garbage. Our man, though he was too busy to think twice, or look once, on the source of the smell, decided that it ought to be removed. If it weren't for heroes like ours, one wonders if a world containing such foul smells would even be worth having.
          Lo! A wind blew just then, taking the stench with it! The breeze, though, was a cruel master; as it blessedly delivered our champion from the odor, it brought its own affront. The hero had worked hard that morning, as was his custom, to meticulously craft an appearance that communicated, “I don’t care how I look, but I actually sort of obviously do.” If the wind ravaged his hair, his look would simply express, “I don’t care how I look.” Half his work would be lost.
          He shook it off and continued his pace, smiling wryly. He had mastered the hallowed art of responding to frustration with a wry smile. And so he strode on, grinning ironically and sipping his coffee. The drink was as regular to his mornings as the careful grooming. But he didn’t need the stuff. Though he was too humble to say it aloud, he thought perhaps the coffee needed him; for what is a drink if it doesn't have someone to drink it while striding ahead confidently?
          This made our conqueror recall, behind his disheveled hair and mocking smile, the unusual time he had ordering that cup of coffee.

          The line had been somewhat longer than usual, and our man, though he’s too patient to say it, has always hated a long line.

          One worker, trying to hurry the process, asked him, “Hello [shchsh]ir, can I get [shchsh]omething [shchsh]tarted for you?”  The question was roughly half words and half saliva.

          Eyes wide, he muttered, “Wow,” so that only the guy next to him in line could hear him.  That—saying things so that only one person could hear him—was another discipline he’d worked hard to master.

          But to the barista he simply said, “Medium coffee, please,” while thinking, Poor thing.  Did your school not have a speech therapist?  Though he was too modest to admit it, sympathy was one of his more heroic qualities.

          He suddenly remembered how skillfully he’d dropped that one word to the man beside him, so he shot a sidelong glance (another talent) to gauge the man’s response.  To the hero’s chagrin, the man stared blankly ahead.  Was he a statue?  Didn’t he realize he’d just been blessed with comic gold?  Dullard.

          When he finally received the drink, our man once again proved his mettle.  As he began to turn away, he casually said, “Thank[shch].”  It was just subtle enough that it wouldn't be noticed by the girl, but he hoped it might somehow break through to Mr. Stoic.  Either way, he was supremely pleased; making fun of someone to their face without the person’s awareness was the ultimate coup among his people.

          It was probably this fond reminiscence that caused the accident.  Our hero, of course, had somewhere to be.  This caused his already confident stride to be faster than normal, and a quick pace requires an attentive eye.  Our man no doubt knew this simple fact, but while in the glory of one’s memories, one often forgets simple things.

          And so, while rounding a corner, our hero collided with a pole.  The coffee, still mostly full, emptied onto the man’s shirt, neck, perfect stubble, eyes.  This caused, among other responses autonomic, a dropping of an important folder and the emptying of that folder’s important documents.  Important things quickly forgotten, the man clutched at his burning eyes.  Folder, papers, empty cup, and then the man himself hit the sidewalk.  In the collapse, the man’s head (looking more unkempt by the second) hit the wall of a building.

          Perhaps even more curious than the bizarre sight was the progression of thoughts in the fallen hero’s mind.  ‘Help! I need help!’ gave way to ‘I wish Lispy were here to help me. Or maybe Statue Man.  He looked strong.’  It occurred to him what a comeuppance this would truly be.  ‘Comeuppance is a funny word.  It almost doesn't seem real.’ 

          He labored to look left, then right.  His face burned, his head hurt, and he was having trouble concentrating.  He looked again.  He very badly wanted that comeuppance if it meant help, even from someone who couldn't say esses or appreciate a good joke.  ‘Comeuppan[shchsh]…’

          But no help came just then.  He offered up one last laugh to his wit as he slowly closed his eyes, noting the faint smell of garbage.