Christmas -- one of the reasons we root for the underdog

Friends,

I'm sorry it's been so long.  I attribute the delay to three main factors:

1. I didn't have any ideas lined up (help me!)
2. Winter is here, and with it is the Thanksgiving to Christmas "month of lethargy"
3. I started playing an old Sega Genesis video game, and it proved to be more addicting than anticipated

But somehow I overcame the many obstacles and made it back to blogging.  And so...


Come back, Store Ease
That is, comeback stories.  I'm so sorry for that.

I have a very short list of topics that have been suggested for the blog, and one item on the list reads "World Series / comeback stories."  The problem is, I don't know anything about this past Series... I think it was Rangers vs. Cardinals?  Don't quote me on that.

But as I think about comeback stories in general, I have to wonder why??  Why do comeback/underdog stories, of all stories, seem to speak to us the most?  Here are a few thoughts:

One pastor at my church loves the idea of Story and has often preached that the three elements in any great story are a worthy cause, formidable opposition, and a dramatic resolution.  And if you think about it, I bet you'll agree -- the greatest movies you've seen and books you've read were probably those with the grandest missions, most daunting setbacks, and most thrilling moments of crescendo.

The stories with the highest ratings in the "formidable opposition" category are those that stack up so much opposition that there is a moment of apparent defeat, a point at which you think victory just can't be possible.  These plots stack the odds so much against the hero that they can only be called "underdog" or "comeback" stories.

That might explain why comeback tales make the best stories given our paradigm of cause/conflict/resolution, but why is that our story paradigm??

I don't know.  Your answer will probably depend on your worldview.  As a Christian, I tend to think that this is the framework of God's redemptive story found in the Bible -- the cause of restoring creation to Himself, the opposition of the sinfulness of man and the evil of Satan's forces, and the dramatic moment of Christ on the cross. 

This might not register as an underdog story, as the Hero is omnipotent, but enter Christmas-- the Protagonist arrives not in splendor or power, but as a baby in a manger.  There were elements of opposition from day 1 -- no room at the inn and a power-hungry murderous king, to name two.

How a naturalist might explain the draw of this paradigm (or specifically a comeback story) I don't know; maybe he would see it as a symbol of mankind's struggle to survive in a harsh dog-eat-dog world.  I can't read shis hypothetical mind.


Underdogs, unite
People used to put "Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!!" in their AIM profiles, but I never thought it was funny

What's your favorite underdog story?


Jon

Wedding Pet Peeves, Part 3 -- Long Dances

[Part 1 - no date]
[Part 2 - long wait]

Friends,

When certain things are drawn out for an abnormally long period of time, they become super awkward.  Sometimes TV shows (I'm thinking of The Office and Family Guy) masterfully extend a conversation, gesture, or pose to create a hilariously uncomfortable scenario.  However, when it comes to real life and the players aren't Dwight Schrute or Stewie Griffin, this kind of awkwardness is simply uncomfortable.


Pet Peeve #3 -- Aaaaaaaawkwaaaaaaard
And I STILL haven't gotten to the garter toss

I understand that weddings are steeped in tradition.  I know that each of the common rituals carries different weight with the various brides out there who are planning weddings.  So I'm not calling for a blanket removal of any of the following dances.  But I ask all fiancees to consider their length; imagine the following:

1. Bride and groom's first dance
This is, of course, a staple of wedding receptions.  And as the newlyweds romantically kiss and gaze into each other's eyes, it is cute and appropriate to watch... for about 30 seconds.  Each additional minute doubles the awkwardness and the feeling that I shouldn't be in on this intimate moment, whether they've invited me into it or not.

2. Bride dances with her father
Cool for about 10 seconds.

3. Groom dances with his mother
5 seconds.

4. Groom dances with bride's mother while bride dances with groom's father
Less than 1 second.

5. Entire wedding party dances with each other
This step shows up in maybe 20-40% of the weddings I've attended.  It is completely unnecessary.  This not only adds pointless spectacle for everyone outside the wedding party, it's actually pretty dumb if you're in the wedding party, too.  Suppose you walked down the aisle with a bridesmaid who's married; you'll now be slow-dancing with her as her husband looks on.  Why not just open the floor up to everyone at this point?

Summary: the comfortable attention span of the crowd, or at least one bearded member of it, for the entire "special dance" segment is about 45 seconds.  And yet, if each of the above is given a full-length song with some annoying emcee banter throughout, you're looking at about 18 minutes.

At some weddings, you have the freedom to ignore all of this after the first 45 seconds and return to drinking and talking.  But at others, respectful attention is demanded for the duration.  This is, without too much exaggeration, an experience on par with a sitting through a mostly-out-of-tune children's strings concert.


What do you think?
As per TS(s) policy: no arguments, just friendly disagreements

What is the ideal number and length of these dances?

Have you experienced any long and/or awkward wedding dances?

Jon

an easy (traf)fix

Friends,

I have very little to say that isn't already found in the picture I've made.  A few notes about reading the picture:

• Read it from right to left.
• I'm not a Microsoft Paint expert.  I couldn't find a way to rotate rectangles in any way other than 90º.  So please ignore the cars that appear to be dangerously crooked as they go around the bend in the highway.
• There wasn't a good photo size option available, so if you can't zoom in and read the version below, here's the readable facebook version.

Solution: move that sign somewhere BEFORE the exit.

Jon

Wedding Pet Peeves, Part 2 -- The Wait

Friends,
After the... lively... discussion generated from part 1 of this series, I'm a little afraid to leave my apartment at night, let alone to continue writing about the frustrating elements of weddings.  But alas, I feel compelled to make future weddings better.  And said compulsion clearly outweighs my paranoia, because here we are.


The longest wait you'll ever know
Well, it's up there with the lobby at the DMV

[Disclaimer: if you're married, and I was at your wedding, and there was a long wait involved, please accept on faith that I'm not referring to your wedding specifically in the discourse that follows.  Let's still be friends.]

Imagine being at a concert.  The band plays an amazing set, then leaves the stage amid wild cheers for an encore.  Then, feeding off the cheers of the crowd, they dramatically return for 2 final songs.

Now imagine that the time span between the exit and encore was not 2 minutes or 5 minutes, but... two and a half hours.

There are obiously huge differences between the norms and expectations of a concert and a wedding, but hear me out for one more paragraph.  Just as the encore is the culmination of a concert and the natural response to its attendees' excitement, a wedding reception is... yeah, you get it.

So how does it make sense to have all the guests wait for the reception a super long time while the wedding party takes hundreds of pictures off in a secluded meadow?  By the time they arrive and are announced, those people still awake must often think, "Oh yeah, that's why I'm dressed up in a room with all these people."

Now, as I mentioned in the last post, not every wedding situation is the same.  During one year-long wait, I might be surrounded by a bunch of friends having a blast.  But at another, I might be without a date and only knowing zero or two people.

Furthermore, there's the whole issue of food and drink.  If I have to wait eons, it makes a world of difference if I'm doing it with a parched throat and rumbling stomach vs. surrounded by an open bar and hors d'oeuvres.

I've never planned a wedding, nor have I gone through the brainstorming process for fun, so I can't offer a solution for how to remove this lifetime of picture-taking between wedding and reception.  But please think of the lonely outsiders at your reception.  And their empty stomachs.


What do you think?
Go ahead and comment now... I obviously don't like waiting.


Have you ever had a terrible wait at a wedding reception?

Can you think of a way to expedite or reschedule the post-wedding, pre-reception pictures?

Jon

Wedding Pet Peeves, Part 1 -- The Absence of a +1

Friends,

I know most people love weddings.  I don't want this blog series to in any way crush those people's dreams.  Insofar as weddings celebrate marriage, I affirm them.  But to make the world a better place in the future, I feel compelled to point out those aspects of some weddings that make them terrible.

As for my qualification to critique weddings, I have none.  I'm just a guy with some opinions.  But I have been to tons of weddings (and been a groomsman in many of them), so my opinions have at least been forged by repetition and experience.



Pet Peeve #1 -- Forcing me to go alone
This one doesn't involve garters

Weddings were simpler at the innocent age of 20.  I was surrounded at all times by a mob of other fun-loving 20-year-olds, so weddings were teeming with peers who were having fun, talking, dancing, and being single.

Fast forward 6 years, and things are different.  Weddings are now a place where a bunch of my peers, all in married couple pairs, get together to tell the new bride and groom, "Welcome to the club!"  One or two mid-to-late-20s unmarried abominations are allowed in to eat the scraps from the table.

I hope it's obvious that I'm joking for effect, but the point remains -- I'm now in the minority as a single person, and that is relevant when it comes to attending an event that focuses solely on romance/love/marriage. 

Not to make things too depressing, but the internal voice during weddings that I attend alone has shifted from
"I'm excited to get married someday!!"
to
"I hope to get married someday."
to
"Am I going to get married?!  I freaking better get married!! Oh my gosh, what if I never get married?!!"

And yet, all this could be avoided so simply.  Adding literally two characters to the RSVP card can redeem the entire event...

Having a date at the wedding makes all the difference.  It means having someone to drive with to and from the wedding.  Someone to talk to during the unbearably long wait before the reception.  Someone to dance with during the 3 otherwise painfully awkward slow songs.

I realize the decision to deny dates is a financial one.  I don't have a solution outside of investing in a money tree.  But I will say that it's not as if you have to offer every single person a +1.  If there's a huge community of people coming who all know each other, the singletons should be fine.  But if someone on the invite list won't know anyone, or will probably only know married people, it's a different story.


Other people's opinions
Specifically, my friend's and yours

One of my friends, in a text that helped inspire this post, vented, "I'd rather not get an invite than get a solo one...  People who do that have never gone stag to a wedding."

What do you think about going solo to a wedding?  Will/have you forced others to go dateless?

Jon

Happy HallowThanksChristmas

Friends,

Two weeks ago I was hanging out at some friends' apartment -- eating lunch, enjoying the Christmas decorations, having a good conversation, and... wait, what?!  Did I just say Christmas decorations?  More than a week before Halloween? 

Yeah.  I'm not making this up.

This (along with an idea from my friend kmech) made me think about the spectrum of different times of the year when people start putting up Christmas decorations.  These are my thoughts, though because I don't have the media or graphics skills to make a visual in spectrum form, we'll have to settle with a list for now:

What your Christmas decor says about you
specifically, what the timing of your Christmas decor says about you


1a. No start date (i.e. year-round Christmas decorations)

• You really, really love Christmas, OR
• You're really, really lazy

1b. No start date (i.e. no Christmas decorations)

• You hate Christmas, OR
• You're really, really lazy

2. Before Halloween

• You really, really love Christmas.  Like, too much.

3. Between Halloween and Thanksgiving

• You love Christmas a lot, OR
• You like seasonal decorations a lot and realize that since turkeys and cornucopias are the only ones specific to November, you might as well skip straight to Christmas, OR
• You are a store trying to capitalize on America's greed in order to increase revenue

4. Between "Black Friday" and December 9

• You have a healthy, normal attitude toward Christmas, OR
• You don't care about Christmas but feel crushed by pressure to conform to cultural norms, including the one to put up lights and trees during the two weeks after Thanksgiving

5. Between December 10 and December 24

• Your procrastination slightly outweighs your Christmas spirit, OR
• You don't care much for Christmas, but have a personality that gives way to people's constant badgering to put up decorations

Scrooge------------ Where do you fall? -----------------Jolly
You can answer that question and/or just answer the one below and let the above (foolproof) spectrum/list say the rest


When do you put up your Christmas decorations?

Jon

Peer pressure, encouragement, and rash decisions

Awesome author Rick James (not the Dave Chappelle character) sometimes writes and speaks that we mistakenly see ourselves as the heroes of epic stories rather than individuals on a planet of 7 billion other people.

I'm reminded of that sobering insight as I set about to portray the shaving of my head as one of the most important, profound epics that humanity has ever seen.


The little beard trimmer that could
or, "how I came to make one of the best decisions of my life"


It was a hot day in early summer in Ocean City -- so early in summer, in fact, that the crows were still attacking people left and right as the baby crows learned to fly -- when my summer roommate (let's call him Justin) decided, somewhat on a whim, that he would shave his head. 

I, wanting so badly to be part of something (anything), cleared my throat and ventured, "Um, I was thinking, that maybe... that perchance I also could, likewise, in addition, shave my head as you have just done too."

Justin's body pulled off, in that moment, a complex set of simultaneous actions.  His brow furrowed, his gag reflex started to choke him, and his eyes widened in a look of unmistakable horror.  Without saying a word, he made it clear that he imagined a shaved head version of me would look like a cross between Sloth and the bad guy from the Green Lantern movie:

His words were slightly kinder: "No man.  Not a good idea."

Terrified by the image I imagined he was imagining, I accepted his decision and tried to blot the memory from my mind.

But five months later, I still hadn't gotten my hair cut since that conversation and my hair was getting long and gross.  One day in early autumn -- a day that was unusually hot for autumn and thus one that made my hair unusually uncomfortable; furthermore, a day on which I happened to be really fed up with women and work, and thus was desiring to bring about as much change as possible -- I turned to my much more agreeable friend Mike and said:

"I think I might shave my head."

His reaction was the exact opposite of Justin's.  He lit up like a kid at Christmas and even started talking logistics.  In a matter of hours I was completely determined to buzz off all my hair.

[I've run out of narrative steam.  To finish the tale-- The next night, I did the deed with my roommate Pat's help.  My weak-action beard trimmer proved to be an obstacle and threatened to leave my head disgustingly half-shaved, but Pat swooped in with his much better technology.]


Why I love the new look
and why I'll never go back to the way things were


1. It's free.  I can never pay for a haircut ever again?  Awesome.
2. It gives me options.  While I'm sort of attached to the always-hat look that I've used for personal branding the past 4 years, it's nice to be able to leave the apartment without one.
3. It looks pretty B.A.  Or at least it does in the one existing photo of it, which was carefully crafted to look B.A.:

Take that, Justin.


What was your "shaved head" decision?
obviously there are limits to vulnerability on a public blog about nothing, but still...


Have you ever been talked into or out of doing something crazy?  Tattoo, skydiving, piercing, seeing Night at the Museum 2, etc.?

Jon

Musings on "How He Loves"

I know "How He Loves" is, like, sooooo 2007, but in all my days of tangenting, it has somehow slid under the radar.  Given the wild success (joking; I have no success criteria) of my last post about worship music, it now feels like the time to finally address the elephant in the room.

"How He Loves," if you're not familiar with it, is fascinating because it splits every church into two groups: those who roll their eyes when the "sloppy, wet kiss" line comes, and those who wait til 2 seconds after the service to start avidly defending the song and presenting the backstory of its origin (as if we eye-rollers haven't heard it 3,000 times).

But arguments about that line -- "heaven meets earth like a sloppy, wet kiss" -- are seriously tired.  It might remind you of an affectionate kiss from a lovable puppy.  Perhaps it conjures images of a half-blind over-perfumed great-aunt.  Or maybe memories of middle school's "seven minutes in heaven" (woah! heaven reference!).  I don't really care what that line does for you, because I want to focus on the violent imagery found elsewhere in the song.


The violence of God's benevolent grace
Warning: content may not be suitable for children

Verse 1:
"He... loves like a hurricane; I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy."

With Hurricanes Katrina, Ivan, Ike, etc. (including Bob, if you were on vacation with my family in 1991) still in the back of everyone's minds, this seems like an unnecessarily off-putting choice to symbolize God's mercy.  It's especially weird since God's mercy is defined (by Wayne Grudem) as His "goodness toward those in misery and distress."

Verse 2:
"If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."

What strikes me as strange about this is that the line ends with "sinking."  I think "floating", "diving", or "swimming" could have done the trick without the implication of death by drowning.  Again using Grudem's definition, God's grace is His "goodness toward those who deserve only punishment."  Isn't it ironic, then, to explain it using the punishment one would receive from a pirate?

Verse ???:

This has naturally led me and at least one of my friends to come up with our own violent images of God's love.  Here are a few ideas...

His love chops me to pieces like a chainsaw

I am in the fetal position, being pummeled by God's kindness

A freak gasoline fight accident of God's faithfulness burned me to a crisp


Put on your writing caps
Seriously, please comment. There's no pressure. You will receive far less scrutiny than the dude who originally wrote "How He Loves"

Give me your best new lines of violent imagery.

What do you think of "How He Loves" and its many metaphors?

Jon

The Worship Song Hall of Fame (read: banned list)

Worship music is something that most Christians really get into.  Its benefits are many; it...

• provides an opportunity to focus undivided attention on God and His character
• gives a medium to passionately express your gratitude and love to God
• allows you to be united in mind and spirit with your community

to name a few.

But sometimes, just as you're starting to drown out worldly thought-distractions and open up emotionally to God, a familiar chord progression begins.  And by "familiar" I mean "way, way too familiar; so familiar, in fact, that the mere sound makes you want to close your ears and start saying 'LA-LA-LA' so you don't have to listen to one more second of it."

Some worship songs have just been so overplayed in churches and conferences the last 5, 10, 15 years (and in some cases, are also so bad) that -- for those of us who are still coming along on this spiritual journey of patience, maturity, and self-control -- they instantly induce an un-worshipful cringe.

And so, I give you...


Worship songs that need to be retired
and if they're not willing to retire, I'm trying to get them fired

[Note: there are some songs that would make this list, except you never hear them anymore, e.g. "Shine Jesus Shine."  But it seems they have already called it quits, so there's no reason to bring them back onto anyone's radar.]

1. "Heart of Worship" [1998]

I'm amazed at how such a boring song became so incredibly overplayed.  It doesn't even have a bridge, it just keeps coming back to "I'm coming back to the heart of worship..." over and over and over and over and over again.  In the video linked above, Matt Redman at times looks like he's going to fall asleep while singing the song.

2. "Here I am to Worship" [2001]

Slow, boring, repetitive.  It does have a bridge (and a poignant one at that), but the most musically and emotionally driven moments of the song coincide with pretty self-centered lyrics ("here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, here I am to say that You're my God").

3. "Trading My Sorrows" [1998]

I don't really hear this one too much anymore, but when I do, it's really hard to sing along with

Yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord
Yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord
Yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord  Amen

4. "God of Wonders" [2000]

Good lyrics, decent song, just toooooo many times.

5. "Breathe" (or "This is the Air I Breathe") [1995]

Nothing to say.  Stop playing this song.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Shout to the Lord, Open the Eyes of My Heart, Indescribable, Days of Elijah, Friend of God, Better is One Day



What songs are in your worship hall of fame?
Fun fact: I wanted to work in a "warship" pun by this point, but it didn't pan out


What are your favorite worship songs right now?

Which ones are you really tired of?

Jon

Reimagining Jimmy Eat World

If you were a cool teenager in the winter of 2001, you were listening to Jimmy Eat World's album Bleed American.  They were pretty new, their music was of the increasingly popular alternative-emo-pop-punk variety, and let's face it, the album RULES. 

If you were a teenager who wanted to be cool in the summer of 2002, you were finally listening to the album.

I discovered Bleed American in the summer of 2002.


"Your House"
But given new meaning by my optimistic imagination

First of all, here's the song:

The gist of the song is that the singer is tired of a woman breaking his heart over and over again, so he's trying to cut ties with her to move on.

And sure, that's a real thing.  I appreciate the honesty.  But I can't seem to help getting a little depressed at the oft-repeated lines

If you love me at all, please don't tell me now
If you love me at all, don't call

So I've invented an alternate meaning for the song.  Imagine a guy who likes a girl.  This will work better if you picture a nerdy guy liking a girl who's not necessarily reciprocating (I'm envisioning Screech and Lisa from Saved by the Bell).

Ok, now because this guy is striking out, he resorts to saying "If you love me, I want you (for reasons I won't go into) to act like you don't love me."  This sets up the ultimate win-win scenario for poor Screech/me/loser/guy.  If she acts like she loves him, WIN.  If she acts like she doesn't, he can just shoot her occasional knowing glances and construct an imaginary reality in which she's suppressing her love in order to fulfill his cryptic demand.  WIN.

And that's basically what Jimmy Eat World is saying--

If you love me at all, don't call.


Saved (from being eaten by Jimmy) by the bell
See what I did there?
I combined the names of the 2 pop-culture references in this post.

Did you listen to Jimmy Eat World in the early 2000s?

Who was your favorite Saved by the Bell character/couple?

Jon

Songs for next year

New beginnings are some of the most exciting things in life.  The clean slate that comes with a new house, a new city, a new job, a new friendship (or a new ______) provides an occasion for so many positive things, e.g. evaluation, reflection, anticipation, discovery, and hope.

Two overlapping observations about new beginnings:

• Music captures well the emotions associated with new chapters in life
• New Year's epitomizes, almost perfectly, this idea

And so, it should be no surprise that there are some poignant songs about December 31 and January 1.  I thought I would share a few of my favorites with you.  Below are links to YouTube videos, lyrics excerpts, and some of my thoughts.

old songs about new years
in no particular order (I just like numbering things)


1. New Year's Eve by Five Iron Frenzy

Some lyrics:
It's New Year's Eve and I'm full of empty promises I half-pretend to keep this time, just like last year.

This New Year's Eve I'm waiting for tomorrow.  My heart is on my sleeve, and yes I still believe this New Years Eve will turn out better than before.  I'm holding on, still holding out until they close the door... on me.

A year goes by and I'm staring at my watch again, and I dig deep this time for something greater than I've ever been, life to ancient wineskins. And I was blind but now I see.

This New Years Eve, something must change me inside: I'm crooked and misguided, and tired of being tired. This New Years Eve, I'm waiting for tomorrow. My heart is on my sleeve, and yes I still believe... in You.

Some thoughts:
I didn't want to bombard you with all the lyrics, so you may not get the real gist from the excerpt above.  But this song, to me, is about the futility of hoping in positive change just because a new year is dawning.  After the pointless pattern of making resolutions and then forgetting them, he finally realizes that real change happens inside and is brought about by God.


2. Next Year, Baby by Jamie Cullum

Some lyrics:
Next Year,
Things are gonna change:
Gonna drink less beer
And start all over again
Gonna read more books
Gonna keep up with the news
Gonna learn how to cook
And spend less money on shoes

Resolutions
Well, baby, they come and go
Will I do any of these things?
The answer's probably no
But if there's one thing I must do,
Despite my greatest fears
I'm gonna say to you
How I've felt all of these years
Next Year

Some thoughts:
Interestingly, this awesome Jamie Cullum song echoes Five Iron's thought about the ineffectiveness of New Year's resolutions.  It seems like in the wake of a new era, we feel as if we have the power to significantly change ourselves, but later reality sinks in and we realize we can't.  But I like how, in the face of this futility, the singer recognizes he has the capacity to change one thing -- and he identifies his (as yet unspoken) love as his top priority.


3. The Ice of Boston by The Dismemberment Plan

Some lyrics:
Pop open a third bottle of bubbly.
Yeah, and I take that bottle of champagne, go into the kitchen, stand in front of the kitchen window, and I take all my clothes off, take that bottle of champagne, and I pour it on my head, feel it cascade through my hair and across my chest, and the phone rings...
And it’s my mother.
And she says “HI HONEY HOW’S BOSTON?”
And I stand there, all alone on New Year’s Eve, buck naked, drenched in champagne, looking at a bunch of strangers.
Uh, looking at them, looking at me, looking at them, and I say:
“I’m fine Mom—how’s Washington?”

Some thoughts:
This is one of the funniest songs ever, or at least one of the funniest songs about depressing failed love.  The guy moved to Boston to be with a girl, but she later dumped him, leaving him alone in a huge city.  Hilarious, right?!?  No, but D-Plan has a way with stories.  Note that it's on New Year's Eve that he naturally takes stock of the situation.



Help compensate for my inadequate breadth of musical knowledge
it's nowhere near the breadth of my vocabulary, which includes words like "breadth"


What songs about new beginnings do you love?

Jon

Bachelor Food, September 2011: Learning from Full House

Before I dish out culinary wisdom (HA!), I want to address my horrific job of blogging lately.  I thought when I returned from my summer travels, I would "settle into a normal schedule" and thus regular blogging would automatically resume.  Unfortunately, that normal schedule is actually really busy and unpredictable, so blogging instead fell by the wayside.

But no longer!  I realize that, like anything else not actually in my weekly calendar, writing on this site is a discipline.  A ridiculous, funny, interactive discipline.

And now onto what I'm sure you've been waiting for...


The culinary wisdom of Michelle Tanner

If you're anywhere near my age and grew up with a TV, I'm confident you've seen the first 6-ish seasons of this show in their entirety.  Thus, I'm sure you'll remember Season 5, Episode 25 (Captain Video, Pt. 1).  The episode overview from tv.com says this:

"[Michelle] is determined to earn her first [Girl Scouts] badge for her cooking talents, but how will the family react when it is time to sample some of her homemade treats?"

Spoiler alert: they react badly.

They react badly because Michelle is concocting some really vile dishes.  She is making the rookie mistake (she is a 5-year-old, so she's allowed to do that) of thinking that if she likes two foods separately, she will like them together.  But don't worry; Uncle Jesse is able to set her on the right track with his characteristically sage words:

"Alright, let me give you a little tip-- you like pudding, you like cheese, so you put 'em together. You like ice cream, you like tuna, again...you put 'em together. Stop putting things together! You gotta lose the combo deal. Just try one thing; try something simple."


My Michelle moment

I don't have an actual cooking story that mirrors Michelle's.  I didn't go down the treacherous path of "Tuna Cream."  But the principle that two separately good foods aren't necessarily good together is real.  Even when it seems like the foods would be great together!

Take, for example, Stacy's Pita Chips.  This is, maybe, the best crunchy and salty snack ever made.  You can pretty much dip these guys in anything and the result is amazing.  Or you can just eat them straight up.

Then consider peanut butter.  Mmmmm. You can dip practically any edible thing in peanut butter and receive a delightful treat in return.

AND YET, the combination of Stacy's and peanut butter just... isn't... good.  I can't explain it.  It's one of those things where as you're eating it, you think, "Eh, this isn't terrible, but I'd rather be eating this pita chip by itself.  Or this peanut butter by itself."


The Tanner family and you

Any stories of failed taste combinations?  ...of life lessons from Full House?

Jon

Fantasy baseball: bragging and more

[Note: if you're totally unfamiliar with fantasy sports, you may want to check out this article from the free online encyclopedia.]

Fantasy sports aren't for everyone.  You need to follow a certain sport, enjoy making predictions, and have some free time on your hands.  If any of those three ingredients is missing, I'd say it's probably not for you.

If, however, you like at least one sport, cherish the fine art of prognostication, and are looking for ways to kill time, then fantasy sports -- and this blog post -- are for you.

I'd like to accomplish two things today in regards to fantasy baseball: brag about my domination in my current league of friends, and argue for the particular type of fantasy baseball we play.


1. My fifteen minutes of glory

One of the exciting but frustrating parts of fantasy sports is that you can destroy your competition all season long then have one bad week in the playoffs and finish in 2nd, 3rd, or 4th place.  So, if you're destroying your competition all season long, as I'm now doing in my league, you have to enjoy it while it lasts.  I've thus decided to brag now, in the event that I lose my bragging rights when push comes to shove.

All I'm going to do to brag is proudly display a graphic I've made to illustrate how far ahead I am of the competition.  In case there's any confusion, I am the blue dot all the way to the left.  The chart indicates by how many games each other team is trailing me:

2. Two types: Head-to-head vs. Rotisserie

While anyone can enjoy a good old bragfest (umm... now that I'm reading that statement...), this point will probably appeal mostly to fantasy baseball veterans.  But in case any brave cool person is still reading, I'll explain the two main types of fantasy baseball leagues.

In a rotisserie league, each team accumulates the stats of its players all season long.  Then, at the end of the season, you just look at where each team ranks in each important statistical category (e.g., for baseball, Runs, RBI, Batting Average, ERA, etc.).  The team that ranks highest in the most of these categories is the champion.

In a head-to-head league, you instead face off against one other team each week.  At the end of the week, each category you win counts as a "win" for your team, and each category you lose counts as a "loss."  So, if at the end of a week I've outscored Scot in 7 of the 10 categories, my team's "record" is 7-3 while his is 3-7.  In such a league, you have 1-3 rounds of playoffs to end the year, and whoever goes undefeated in those rounds is the champion.

The common aphorism about the two types is that rotisserie is more fair, but head-to-head is more fun.  This is because the best team always wins in "roto" leagues, but they mostly lack the excitement of 1-on-1 playoff matchups.  I've always accepted this principle (and chosen head-to-head accordingly, because if I'm not trying to have fun then what am I doing pretending to be a baseball manager?).  Until now.

I now think that head-to-head is more fun and more fair.

Well, "more fair" might not be completely true, but I think head-to-head definitely better represents actual sports.  Which (I think) is the aim of fantasy sports.

In real baseball, we don't wait til the end of the season and compare home run and ERA totals and crown a champion based on the numbers.  No.  We take the top teams and they square off 1-on-1.  While we'd like to think that the best team generally wins, with so many crazy factors (weather, injuries, distractions), there is a definite element of luck.

So even the undesirable parts of head-to-head -- like the seemingly arbitrary strike of a "bad week" that ends your season -- are part of the reality of professional sports.


If anyone made it this far, please comment!!!

Comments encourage me to keep blogging.

Are you currently being dominated by me in fantasy baseball?  What are your thoughts on fantasy sports?

Jon

August 2011 Grammar Tip

Homophones will get you every time.

It almost isn't your fault, right?  I mean, the words sound exactly the same, and for you to spell the correct word, you'd have to do all kinds of extra steps.  Study the context, contrast definitions, match spellings to meanings, and pick the correct one.  Who can be expected to endure 4 mental processes in a pinch?!

I expect you to.  All of literate humanity should be held to this level of communicative passability.

And while there are so many pitfalls we could address today (there, their, they're, whose, who's, Jon, John), let's go straight for the jugular.

It's and Its

I'm just going to offer you one straightforward test you can apply each time you attempt to use ITS or IT'S.  Noting that the apostrophe in IT'S stands for the letter i ("IT IS"), just ask yourself -- does this word stand for "it is"?

It's that simple, every time.  So if you're typing a slide for a song at church and see:

I'm coming back to the heart of worship

And its all about You, all about You, Jesus

You just ask yourself two questions:

1. Is this song retired into the worship hall of fame, never to be played again?

2. Does the its/it's word stand for "it is"?

In this anecdotal example, the song is, in fact, retired, and so the correct move would be to delete those slides and insist on a new worship song that hasn't been played 300 million times in our lifetime.  But, for the sake of grammar, let's move to question 2.

Replacing "it is" for "its", we get "It is all about you, Jesus."  Yes!  That's what we're trying to say.  And so, we know we need the apostrophe to represent that extra letter i; we go with IT'S.

One more example.  Let's say you're writing a children's book and you've just penned, "The cyborg blasted it's laser."  Firstly, that's too scary and futuristic for a kid's book.  Secondly, applying our ITS/IT'S Test, we get--

"The cyborg fired it is laser."

As this clearly makes no sense, we do not have an extra letter i, and thus do not need an apostrophe.  So "its" it is.  (<-- Yeah.)

It's its or it's, is it?

Thoughts, questions, stories, ideas for future grammar tips?

Jon

Sports fanaticism -- one of the weirdest things in the world

Friends,

I targeted August for my return to regular blogging, so we'll see if this entry starts the desired domino effect (hopefully a better one than the Kinetic King's).  No promises.  Just wishful hoping and dreaming.

There will be two aims to this Tangent: to think about what sports really are, and to examine how we react to them.


What are sports?

For some reason, thousands of years ago, people found it fun to compete with each other in acts of physical strength and speed.  I guess athletes enjoyed the combination of the rush of actually competing with the bragging rights that go to the winner ("I inherited better genes than you, and/or I dedicated more hours than you did to figuring out how to launch a pole farther!").

That makes some sense, but what is really remarkable is how popular it became to observe these athletic competitions!  I guess early sports "fans" enjoyed the combination of the fun of watching with the bragging rights that go to the winner's supporters ("I chose to cheer for someone who inherited better genes than the person you chose to cheer for, and/or mine dedicated more hours than yours did to figuring out how to fling a disk farther!").

At any rate, we find ourselves in a world full of sports fanatics.  Despite what I'm now writing, I am one of them.  Part of this system is that we accept descriptions of sports that culture (explicitly or implicitly) gives us -- epic, crucial, must-see, important, heart-breaking, courageous, etc.

But I'll tell you what a sport is.  Basketball, for example: two groups of people that each attempt to, within a certain set of regulated maneuvers, put an inflated sphere of leather downward through an elevated circular hoop more times than the other.

Now, I'll say it again -- for whatever reason, I looooove sports.  But let's not forget that sports are more or less meaningless, their rules are almost completely arbitrary, and they exist purely for entertainment.  Which brings us to...


How do we react to sports?

I know people whom I need to avoid for about a week if their favorite college football team loses.  I know people who have cried when their favorite college football team misses a BCS bowl.  I know people who, when their favorite NFL team's quarterback throws an interception in the Super Bowl, make an equally bad throw with whatever the nearest object is.  I know someone who cried for an hour when the Pirates lost to the Braves in the NLCS long ago...

I assume you get the point.  Our emotions are invested in our favorite sports teams at a bizarrely high level.  How can we change this (if, in fact, we're interested in avoiding sporadic fiery rages or inconsolable depressions)?


My own battle with sports

I'll share what has helped me.  It is all a matter of perspective on sports and my life.  This change in perspective didn't come easily.  It took a "crisis" moment.  [The quotation marks indicate it wasn't a real crisis.]  Here's that moment, in a timeline of such "crises":

1992: Braves beat Pirates in NLCS.  I was too young to stop and learn from my depression.  So I cried for an hour and eventually had to move on with my young life.

1996: Steelers lose Super Bowl.  I wasn't a huge football fan yet, so this didn't bother me too much.  Though it was sort of a downer that they lost on my birthday.

2007: Pitt beats WVU in football, removing WVU's sure entry in national championship game.  This was the lowest of the low, and became the defining moment in my sports fandom.
 
When WVU lost that game, I was in my apartment, one thin wall away from about 20 of my friends who were all Pitt fans.  I immedately locked myself in my room so none of them could come taunt me (none tried, as far as I know).  But as I sat there in terror, I thought about what just happened:

The group of college students I was cheering for had failed to throw an inflated leather ball to one end of a rectangular field more often than another group.  That's why I was locked in my room and hating the world.  It made almost no sense.

Then I thought further, "Other than my ridiculous emotions, what effect does this game have on my life?"  Almost none.  It was probably the difference between my watching or not watching the title game.  So I potentially missed out on 3 hours of fun.  Should WVU have won the title (unlikely as that would have been), I probably would have bought a t-shirt.  So my t-shirt count is now at 235 instead of 236.

[After much contemplation and prayer, I ended up putting on a Pitt shirt and going next door with my friends.  When I tell my WVU friends that, they usually chastise me and say they're ashamed of me.  You know what, WVU fan?  I'm ashamed of you!!  My relationships with my friends are much, much more important than my support of WVU's football team.]

And so, when sports "tragedy" strikes -- like the Steelers losing this past Super Bowl -- I ask myself those two questions.  What exactly is this sport?  Does this affect my life in any real way?


How do you cope?

Please share any thoughts, stories, questions, ideas, etc., you have about being a sports fan.

Jon

Travel Days -- flying edition

Most people love to travel.  I think this has to do partly with some objective awesomeness to seeing new places and cultures and partly with how it's hip and cool to love travel -- not to mention that we get to tell interesting (and often hilarious) stories from our ventures away from home.

But what I often forget as I'm embellishing an embarrassing tale of my visit to an East Asian massage parlor or a comical disaster story about a Guatemalan landslide is that bookending any amazing travel experience are 2 awful days of excrutiating travel.

I don't think I realized until... well, now... how much I dislike the actual travel required for any trip.  So I thought I would walk you through my typical travel day experience and see how much you agree or disagree.  Because air travel and road-tripping each has its own unique perils, I'll tackle them one blog post at a time.

My typical air travel day

4:45 a.m.: Wake up
And if you know me, this isn't pretty.

7:20 a.m.: Realize I forgot to pack an important item
E.g. body wash

8:45 a.m.: Layover meal dilemma --> "brunch"
I realize I ate breakfast at 5 a.m.  I'm now ravenously hungry.  I eat another meal, and I accept the fact that I'll be eating at least 6 meals today.

9:30 a.m.: Pray there will be empty seats on this flight
Because either I or the 250-lb. dude next to me needs to move.

9:50 a.m.: Accept that God has answered my prayer
...with a resounding "No."

9:52 a.m.: Try not to be embarrassed about what I'm reading
It's usually a sci-fi or fantasy novel.

10:40 a.m.: Realize that I forgot to pack another important item
E.g. swimming trunks

11:00 a.m.: Curb my returning hunger with airplane food
Either a "snack" of stale pretzels or a "meal" of frozen fish head.

11:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m.: The "second layover blur"
My mind now checks out for the day.  I will later look back and have no memory of the boring, tedious, frustrating sequence of events. 

2:30 p.m.: Arrive
Unfortunately, both my luggage and my brain were accidentally put on the wrong plane.  So I stumble around like an angry zombie, waiting for someone to give me my suitcase and, in turn, a sound mind.

The rest of the day is spent trying (unsuccessfully) to sleep and missing my luggage.  I try to find solace in strange places, like in the thought, "Well hey, even if I had my luggage, I'd still be missing my body wash and swimming trunks."  Comforting thought.


What about you?

Does travel wreck you like it wrecks me?

What funny things have happened to you in airports or airplanes?

Jon

Nothing updates you on my summer like rap music

I'm on yet another trip for work, which means little to no time for blogging.  My goal is to be back in a Tangent Space(s) groove by the first or second week of August.  Thanks to those of you have been reading and commenting on my sporadic June and July posts.

Because I can't give you a real post now, I'm giving you this (imaginary one?) instead.  On my last trip, I had the great pleasure and opportunity to lead 4 guys in Bible study and discipleship.  When it was time for me to leave, they did something special to say goodbye.  I probably don't even have to tell you what it was -- obviously, given my personality and interests, they wrote and perfomed a rap song.

Because it's tough to hear the words in this video, I included them below.  If you like rap or like me, or even if somehow find yourself on this blog while liking neither, I think you'll enjoy this ridiculous and hilarious tribute (in case the video doesn't embed properly, you can find it here on youtube):

"Who is Jon Mathieu?"

Written by Mike and Marcus

Performed by Mike, Marcus, Chris, and Ben

What kind of things can I say about Jon?
The kind of dude you can bring home to mom
Role model with faith so strong
So that's why I had to put him in this song

When I met him I learned how a Christian outta be
Discovering truth and theology

Even though I never used to take him seriously
(A flash hat and a shirt with TMNT)

The smart dude taught me how to do ministry
With more life than a 5 hour energy
Explore, guide, build, mentor faithfully
The love of Christ exploding - TNT

He taught me when Christ comes first we won't curse,

we'll only converse, preach each verse,

Satisfied - no thirst,

KGP - no good works,

love like Christ loved the church

Jon Mathieu is more than a beard

And we all know that he is a little weird
Jon Mathieu is more than a Pirates fan

Oh yes, Oh yes
He's a man

Then later on he helped me cast vision
So I could get the heart incision
And faithfully go out fishin', and envision the Great Commission

The thing about Jon is he's very pragmatic,

He loves mathematics and quadratics
He never fell off like Paul in Demascus
He's got a great understanding of what's tragic

It's been great hearing everything, every laugh
And learning spiritual multiplying math
"The Awesome" was cold, but his heart surpassed
Discipleship goals, forever will they last

You're more enjoyable than The Hangover
You put your life in God's hand- Poker
You helped us out on this ride- Chauffer
God'll bless you a million times over
He'll give your guidance on life's roller coaster
You'll burn for him and glorify him --toaster
Spreading good news like Al Roker
Keep praying, Stay Blessed

Jon Mathieu is more than a cute smile
And we all want him to stay a while (longer)
Jon Mathieu is more than a farmer's tan
Oh yes, Oh yes

He's a man

And we will miss him
But we know it's not the end
But it won't be the same again

Just like the waves
My heart breaks to leave his face
He has taught me just how to see
The light inside of me
Jon is a friend

Thanks so much to the four awesome guys who performed that for me.  I hope you've all enjoyed the experience too!

Jon

(Re)arranging marriage

Friends,

The summer blogging hiatus has sadly continued.  I think in a couple weeks I'll be in a normal schedule and regular tangents will resume.  But for now, I bring you a topic so outdated, so laughable, that I'm hoping it can generate some interesting conversation.

Yeah, I'm talking about arranged marriages

A friend of mine recently mused about something that has made me think a lot about ye olde arranged marriage.  He works for the same company that I do and, as a guy who's been married for about 20 years, has the ability to muse about such things aloud.  He said:

"If they had a marriage-arranging service at [the upcoming conference for the 5,000 employees who work for our missionary organization in the US], I wonder how many people would seriously consider it."

To my surprise, he got a far-off look in his eyes that indicated he actually was wondering about it.  He was making the unthinkable suggestion that not 1 or 2, but many of these missionaries would sign up for some sort of arranged marriage.  Taking ideas seriously is somewhat contagious, I think, because I started thinking... why is that so crazy?


Arranged marriage vs. American marriage

Another married friend of mine was on hand for that comment, and the reason he offered for the old system's success is that parents know their 18-year-olds better than the 18-year-olds know themselves.  It's an interesting thought, and I'm not sure what I make of it.  But it's not the argument I would make.

My main positive thought about arranged marriages is how the basis of the union is so much more unselfish than the basis of typical modern marriages.  When your marriage is arranged, your motivation for stepping into that commitment has to be family.  So, you sacrifice and you compromise and you do what you can to make it work.

But nowadays when we date and look for our soulmates (or whatever it is people do), what's our motivation?  As I look around at the people I know  (95% of whom are married or engaged) -- and when I look at myself in my own forays into romance -- I see people who are trying to be happy.  This seems normal and human, but think about entering a relationship with your own happiness as the ultimate goal!

Does this person's appearance please me?
Does this person's sense of humor make me laugh?
Does spending time with this person make me happy?
Et cetera.

Because this is the goal of dating and these questions are the criteria for success, it's no surprise what happens in half of American marriages.  When I don't feel happy anymore, the marriage is over.

Conclusion: if anything can be said for arranged marriages (and I'm not sure anything can), it's that the system naturally places commitment and family as the foundation of the relationship, whereas the default cultural foundation is one's own happiness.


Let the sparks fly. Or at the very least, someone please comment

Let me end by saying that I'm not actually pushing for a resurgence of arranged marriages.  I just wanted to provoke thought and conversation.

Thoughts?
Questions?
Stories?
Et cetera.

Jon

July 2011 Grammar Tip

Friends,
It's a new month.  After just 6 days, July 2011 is already replete with grammatical errors.  Everywhere you turn, there's a misused apostrophe or a dangling modifier.  But, as with most nationwide endemic problems, we can't win the war in a day.  And so, at the clip of one tip per month, Tangent Space(s) continues to do its part...

Using the correct pronoun

Few ideas seem as polarizing as "political correctness."  I won't go into that now.  I only bring it up because political correctness is in some sense the reason we use an incorrect pronoun when a subject's gender is unknown.

I'll give an example sentence, and take you on a historical journey of how people of different eras might have chosen their pronouns:

I think a person should try to befriend [possessive pronoun] neighbors.

1. The good old days: he/him/his

(I don't actually know if these days were good, but they're somewhat old.)  It was once universally accepted to use the masculine in the case of an unknown gender, so that whether a sentence was about an athlete, doctor, homeless person, or convicted felon, we just went with the masculine pronoun and made a mental note that we didn't really know the sex of the person.

The above sentence, then, would suggest that a person should befriend his neighbors.

2. The unwieldy alternative: he or she / him or her / his or her

With the advent of widespread political correctness, this new bulky option became the norm.  The obvious drawback is that it's triple the word count.  This isn't terrible when you need to use it once, but if you have 4 or 5 unknown-gender situations in a row in speech or writing, these added words are agonizingly cumbersome.

Back to neighbors: a person should befriend his or her neighbors.

3. The current answer to the bulky "his or her": mixing up "her" and "his"

In modern books, authors refuse to pay the price of repeated "his or her"s.  So the current trend is to get a good mix of the sexes in the pronouns.  Usually a male author will use "her" the first couple times -- just to ensure, presumably, that he's not sexist -- then go to an alternating system of "his" and "her".

Ex. A person should try to befriend her neighbors... A doctor must cultivate healthy relationships with her nurses... A politician must listen closely to his constituents... her... his... her... his...

4. The grating, terribly incorrect solution in speech: they/them/their

And this, English-speaking friends, is why I wrote this grammar tip.  In casual speech, people will handle the unknown-gender problem by using a plural pronoun, since plurals aren't gender-specific.  Unfortunately for the many people who do this, it sounds (to at least a few of us) like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Returning to the example of Mr. Rogers... A person should try to befriend their neighbors.

Do you see how catastrophic that is?!?  "Person" is singular.  "Their" is plural.  "I" am irate.


I leave you with no hope

Just kidding.  There's always hope.  But in this dilemma, I don't know what to tell you.  Here goes:  When speaking, just say "his or her", or pick a winner.  When writing something serious, go with option 3 above.  When writing on Tangent Space(s) or an equivalently silly project, go with shis every time.

Thoughts?  Questions?  Ideas for future grammar tips?

Jon