[Disclaimer: it will be important for you to know that I'm totally fine with the way I look. I'm confident in who I am. Any stories I tell and jokes I make are in good humor and meant to entertain. But still, learn what you can, people.]
We all like to think that the little storylines in our lives are epic. That our crises are the stuff of legends. That our banter with our best friends is Gilmorian. One day the laughable words come out of our mouths: "They should make a movie of my life."
This, of course, gets the wheels turning about who would play us (and all the other key players in our legendary lives) in our movie. This celebrity looks like me, but this one has my personality, etc. We brainstorm about the best actors to portray our friends, enemies, and frenemies. And that's fine; don't get me wrong, those conversations are fun. Just one thing...
Don't put me in your movie.
You should be played by Poop-Face!
As far as I know, there's no celebrity named Poop-Face; but if there is, someone has likened him to me.
It's always fun that first moment when someone says, "You look JUST LIKE so-and-so!!" But I've found that in my experience, these words echo off the mountains of self-image and trigger an avalanche of despair.
It started in high school, when a girl told me I looked just like one of her friends. She even had a yearbook picture of the dude to prove to me the uncanny resemblance. I of course don't have an actual photo of the guy, but if my memory serves (and I think you'll see it does), he looked something like this:
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| But he was voted most likely to succeed! |
Then I got to college. My Psych 101 TA was obsessed with the idea that I looked like a guy on a reality TV show. I didn't watch the show and didn't know what the guy looked like, but I had learned my lesson in high school-- just smile, say, "Ok, cool," and walk away.
I'll spare you the details of the many other times people have cut me to the core with their confidence that they'd found my doppelgangers. But I'll give you the most recent one, because it's what reminded me to blog about this and is probably the most horrendous cruelty of all. A guy recently asked me if I'd ever been told I look like fantasy author George R.R. Martin. "No," I said, "probably because no one knows what that guy looks like."
But the guy talking to me had the last laugh, because moments later I looked up the novelist on Wikipedia to find this:
Oh yeah! Back to imaginary movie-casting. Here's the challenge of trying to cast me-- I'm big, burly, bearded, bear-like, betc., and there just aren't really any actors who get famous looking like that. So it's hard to find a well-known actor who looks anything like me. This usually creates a funny moment, though, when people are rattling off look-alikes for others in machine gun style then get to me and furrow their brow. Maybe they've taken a break from the game to ponder the implications of time travel.
There are only two guys ever suggested for me: Zach Galifianakis and Kevin James. The former because he has a full beard and the latter, I think, because he's the largest famous actor since Chris Farley. I don't take offense to either one, but given how dissimilar I actually look to Kevin James, it does sort of smack of "you're both fat."
Both of those guys are hilarious, though, so it could be worse.
Okay, fine, let's play
But again, I insist we leave out Poop-Face
Who would you want to play YOU in a movie?
Jon
Instead of answering your actual question, here is my favorite anecdote about doppelgangers. A few years ago I was at an after hours work social. Since I work with university faculty members, I was considerably younger than most of the attendees. There was however one new young man there who seemed to take a fancy to me. He walked boldly up to me and stated he had seen me before. Now, I'm pretty good with remembering faces and knew this to not be true. He insisted. I hesitated. He suddenly knew! I was Kate Middleton's twin!! (it was around the time of the grand royal wedding) I laughed and scoffed. Surely no. He asked me about Prince William. I suspected my nefarious coworkers behind this engagement. He denied. Somehow, by the end of the meeting I had agreed to go on what would be the most awkward date of my life. But that's another story...
ReplyDeleteI was going to comment on Jon's blog post, but it wouldn't have matched the awesomeness of Robin's story. I award Robin the victory in this comment thread (as #1 commenter, I can do that. Right, Jon?), and I'll prepare to make a great comment on the next post.
DeleteFirst, I am marveling at Robin looking like Kate Middleton^...never thought about it but I totally agree!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd also instead of answering, I'll share my own doppelganger, since I've actually never thought about who I'd want to play me in a movie. All through elementary and high school people insisted that I looked exactly like Kimberly J. Brown. Never heard of her? Makes sense, since she was a Disney channel star for like a minute. But she was the girl in all the Halloweentown movies, Quints, and apparently on Babysitters Club. It made me soooo mad when everyone said it because I thought she was a dork, but looking at old pictures of us, the masses were right. Recent pictures, no resemblance whatsoever, unfortunately, but we were both very awkward-looking middle schoolers.
For the record, I say that you'd be played (in the movie of our LMN romance) by Kevin James not because you're of similar stature, but because you're both handsome and hilarious. Boom. Done. Next.
ReplyDeleteI get Amy Adams ALL the time, which is super-weird because we look nothing alike. People say Adele, because we're of similar size. I take both as compliments.
Jon, I would choose Seth Rogen to play you. He's got a beard and he's funny. The end. hahah.
ReplyDeleteAbby, that's actually who I would pick to play me! But Ashley's not a huge fan of him haha..
DeleteI've been told that Tobey Maguire, Edward Norton, and Harry Potter (the fictional character, not necessarily Daniel Radcliffe) fit me. I guess I'm OK with that.
ReplyDeletePlease forgive me for the length of this comment. I've got an axe to grind.
ReplyDeleteI realize that as I post this comment, most of you do not know who I am. For whatever reason we do not run in similar circles, but we both enjoy this fantastic blog. Jonathan, I can relate extremely well to your opinions about this matter, and I am glad you brought it up. I am equally glad that we fall on the same side of this equation. As I have debated how to approach this comment in 140 characters or less, I am torn as to whether I should even continue. Why? Because it’s impossible to do in so small a space, and 140 characters ended 422 characters ago. Oh, also because my doppelganger is haunting. It is. so. spot. on. that even though, at this very moment, you haven’t the slightest clue who is typing this, the next time (and every time after) that you see me, you will always think of my doppelganger. In fact, you might even confuse my real name with my doppelganger name. Or, if you are Lucy, the very self-assured bartender at Mad Mex, you will never even bother to learn my name and insist that I sign my receipts with my doppelganger name. Do YOU have a doppelganger signature? So with that in mind, the next time someone wants to play this game, just ask yourself first, “How would I feel if I was asked for my doppleganger’s ‘Herbie Hancock’?”
What’s this much ado about nothing really leading to? It rhymes with Rat Pack and pales in comparison to Humphrey Bogart’s good looks or Frank Sinatra’s smooth magnetism. I’m referring to the Brat Pack, and my doppelganger is neither Emilio Estevez nor Rob Lowe. Think Weird Science. My doppelganger is Anthony Michael Hall. My doppelganger is “The Geek” from Sixteen Candles. My doppelganger is the classic nerd in The Breakfast Club (but at least gets a name: “Brian Johnson”). [Google "Anthony Michael Hall Sixteen Candles" to get the proper likeness.]
Now, there are many things to like about Anthony Michael Hall. After all, he does epitomize the awesomeness of the 1980s in many ways. His characters are often lovable, hilarious, and ones with whom the inner and outer nerd in all of us can identify. AMH went on to have moderate to very limited success in the 1990s and into the 2000s. You most recently saw him in The Dark Knight, where he played the TV anchor that The Joker uses to send a message to Gotham. Many of you probably think, “Anthony Michael Hall, what a great character in some classic movies!” Being his doppelganger, however, is a terrible thing. Don't even try to pretend that you would be flattered in the least.
Most of AMH’s damage was done before I was born, yet I am fully aware of said damage. If ever I could have done something to change the course of my doppelganger’s life, I missed it because I was not yet alive. Anthony Michael Hall’s success peaked in adolescence. I can’t fathom a worse time of life to be the crest of my proverbial hill. I would hate to go back to middle school. AMH was the king of the nerds. He wore headgear for his braces. Everyone knows you go with rubber bands, not headgear! AMH understood how nerdy he was and he ran with it, and became a smashing success. But then he tried miserably to buck that trend, in an understandable identity crisis, gained 60 pounds and became the Biff-like boyfriend that threatened Edward Scissorhands and called him a freak. Essentially, Anthony Michael Hall was always the character that you didn’t want to be. If I’m honest with myself, I am more accurately portrayed by AMH than I would readily admit, not just because we look alike. And even though the memories of his Brat Pack days are fond, the next time you meet me and think aloud that I look exactly like Anthony Michael Hall, just know that behind my smile is the strong desire to punch you in the face.