SHARE THE ROAD (they scream)

Friends,

Here's a fun fact about me: I've never been very good at riding a bike. There have been three distinct phases of my life in which riding a bike has been relevant, and each contains its own unpleasant memory.

Elementary school years, Elm Grove neighborhood in Wheeling, WV: my friend Blake came over to ride bikes together, and I accidentally drove mine right into his, knocking us both to the ground.

Middle school years, Oakmont Hills neighborhood in Wheeling, WV: my neighbor Matt was riding in a van with his mom, and just as they drove to a spot right by me, I suddenly and inexplicably fell off my bike to the ground.

College years, mission trip in a large city in "East Asia": I rented a bike to ride it to a neighboring part of the city. While nothing bad actually happened, I pedaled in terror as my mind replayed the above two memories the entire time. It's amazing I survived that 20-minute bike ride.

So, for the purposes of our present conversation, suffice it to say... I have no sympathy for bicyclists.


The Problem with Bikes on the Road
That should read "problems," but the s clashes with the s from bikes

Listen, I know I'm taking an incredibly unpopular line here, particularly in the era of going green. Bikes don't produce the harmful emissions of cars. Riding a bike helps a person stay healthy and fit. Shouldn't we all just work together and make sacrifices for the environment and physical health?!?

Yeah, probably. But I'm not asking everyone to throw away their bikes (or even a more eco-friendly act like turning them into modern art). If you want to bike around to various places, that's your choice and prerogative, as much as it annoys me. But I have two big problems with the way most cyclists seem to do it:

1. Why aren't you obeying any traffic laws??
Cyclists want to be treated on the road like a slow-moving car. My understanding is you yield to them, give them a wide berth, only pass them when you can safely go over into the next (usually oncoming) lane to do so, etc. I'm fine with all that. Bikes can operate and be treated as snail-like, molasses-soaked, slow motion replay, almost-staying-at-rest cars. Whatever. Patience is a virtue, so thank you cyclists, for making me more virtuous. However, why do these "cars" get to run EVERY SINGLE RED LIGHT in the world when no cars are coming? And I mean it--every single one. I've never seen a cyclist who didn't casually pedal through a red light, provided no one was coming. And they're always squeezing between cars waiting at a red light and parked cars just to make sure they can run that red!

2. How can you be so full of rage? Do you think we know car-bicycle laws??
Maybe it's because I'm anciently old, but there were absolutely no questions on my driving test about sharing the road with bikes. There was never an official memo issued years later that said, "Hey drivers, there are now a bunch of slow-moving bicycles right smack in the middle of your driving lane. Sorry if you wanted to be on time to that meeting. Here are the relevant driving laws." So when we legitimately don't know the right way to pass you, or yield to you, or smile as you run every red light, please don't, like, lose your mind and summon the burning ire of all the world's volcanoes. I once unknowingly tried to turn right on red around a group of bikers (who were just sitting there, not making any attempt to turn right themselves), and their grizzled leader seriously almost exploded his own head during his red-faces tirade of screams at me.

A few considerations: I understand that in the large scheme of things, it is the bikers who are at risk in shared road experiences. If they get hit, they can die. Believe me, I want drivers to be informed and safe and for no bikers or drivers to suffer any injuries anywhere at any time (and for you drivers who want to educate yourselves, here's a helpful site). This doesn't change the fact that bicyclists on the road are super annoying. In some sense, the answer to #2 above could simply be, "We're angry at bad driving because our lives are at stake." In theory, yes, of course. But I've seen many cyclists flip out about situations that are not remotely life-threatening, in which the driver's responsibility is not at all clear.

Considerations, cont'd: Furthermore, I've never heard a good explanation for #1 above. I once read a very well-written, angry blog post from a biker about the evils and ignorance of drivers and the glorious innocence of bikers. I wish I could find it now and give you the link. But alas, when I read it years ago, nothing inside me was inspired to bookmark it... Anyway, the writer basically said, "Drivers, when you start obeying traffic laws, so will we." What? Are you kidding me? First of all, imagine a society in which a group of people approaches a law as something they only have to obey if some other group obeys some other law. Secondly, as noted above, we drivers don't know all the laws about bikes on the road--but you certainly know the laws of a red light. Finally, the more you break blatant laws of the road, the more we detest your presence there.

Well, I expect some controversy, if any of my readers are cyclists. That being said, let's keep it friendly (well, to whatever meager standard of friendliness I've set) as we explore:

• Whether as a cyclist or a driver, what has been your experience of sharing the road?

From theclipartwizard.com... photo credits are stupid.