The summer blogging hiatus has sadly continued. I think in a couple weeks I'll be in a normal schedule and regular tangents will resume. But for now, I bring you a topic so outdated, so laughable, that I'm hoping it can generate some interesting conversation.
A friend of mine recently mused about something that has made me think a lot about ye olde arranged marriage. He works for the same company that I do and, as a guy who's been married for about 20 years, has the ability to muse about such things aloud. He said:
"If they had a marriage-arranging service at [the upcoming conference for the 5,000 employees who work for our missionary organization in the US], I wonder how many people would seriously consider it."
To my surprise, he got a far-off look in his eyes that indicated he actually was wondering about it. He was making the unthinkable suggestion that not 1 or 2, but many of these missionaries would sign up for some sort of arranged marriage. Taking ideas seriously is somewhat contagious, I think, because I started thinking... why is that so crazy?
Arranged marriage vs. American marriage
Another married friend of mine was on hand for that comment, and the reason he offered for the old system's success is that parents know their 18-year-olds better than the 18-year-olds know themselves. It's an interesting thought, and I'm not sure what I make of it. But it's not the argument I would make.
But nowadays when we date and look for our soulmates (or whatever it is people do), what's our motivation? As I look around at the people I know (95% of whom are married or engaged) -- and when I look at myself in my own forays into romance -- I see people who are trying to be happy. This seems normal and human, but think about entering a relationship with your own happiness as the ultimate goal!
Does this person's appearance please me?
Does this person's sense of humor make me laugh?
Does spending time with this person make me happy?
Et cetera.
Because this is the goal of dating and these questions are the criteria for success, it's no surprise what happens in half of American marriages. When I don't feel happy anymore, the marriage is over.
Conclusion: if anything can be said for arranged marriages (and I'm not sure anything can), it's that the system naturally places commitment and family as the foundation of the relationship, whereas the default cultural foundation is one's own happiness.
Let the sparks fly. Or at the very least, someone please comment
Let me end by saying that I'm not actually pushing for a resurgence of arranged marriages. I just wanted to provoke thought and conversation.
Thoughts?
Questions?
Stories?
Et cetera.
Jon
I will comment/share a story!
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting topic. Last week I ran into a dear high school friend of mine who is in quite the dilemma with arranged marriage. Her religion and home country really push arranged marriages. Her parents went through one and are still together. Her age of 23 is actually quite old in her culture to be single and her mother is really starting to worry. They are actually in the process of scouting men out for her. If it happens...it happens, but she is very against this idea and is not ready to be married. She wants to find someone for herself and even if she does, the family has to "approve" of her suitor. TI is amazing to talk to someone who is actually going through, what is many of us, an archaic idea.
It is interesting because I know the statistics behind arranged marriages show low divorce rates. This seems like a breath of fresh air compared to the lovely divorce rates of "normal" marriages. I think what you said about commitment and family being the foundation is partially true to why arranged works. I also think culture obviously plays a role in this. These couples are expected to do this to create a family. I also feel like there is a lot of pressure and sadness (like my friend) behind a lot of these arranged marriages. They definitely are not derived from selfishness and soul mate-searching.
Thank God a lot of us have the freedom and ability to look for our own spouses, but it would be nice if this “normal” institution mirrored the other in longevity. [Talking about overall stats here. Yes I know many beautiful long-lasting marriages]
I've never had too much of a problem with arranged marriages. I mean, if nothing else, look at the statistics. Obviously other things at play in areas of the world with arranged marriages that contribute to low divorce rates, but it does make you wonder.
ReplyDeleteThe problems with arranged marriages is that they set up an environment where one gender or the other can become second class citizens very easily, and that the community/family can take precedence in deciding matches over the individuals' happiness. I think arranged marriages, then, in the sense of older and wiser members of the community using their experience and judgement to match up personalities and needs...that's okay. But arranged marriages where Family X wants their daughter to marry the song of Family Y solely for the purpose of consolidating assets and power...not so much.
My dad is 67 years old, an excellent judge of character, and has a WHOLE lot more life experience than I do. I think if he picked out a life partner for me I'd trust it. He did it for his little brother, basically, and him and my aunt have been blissfully married for almost 40 years. All of mine and my sisters' past boyfriends/husbands that he disliked turned out to actually be complete and total jerkfaces in the end, so he must know what he's talking about. :-)
All very interesting thoughts. It made me wonder who my parents would have picked for me. My father would want a hard worker with land in the family and mom would want someone who would want to build our house next to hers.(obviously Christian also a prerequisite) :)
ReplyDeleteWhen my husband and I had our grueling marriage counseling we were asked why we ultimately picked one another. I said I picked him because I wanted someone who I could trust to help make good life decisions, someone who could take care of me, stability. Sadly both our reasons were somewhat self serving, if not completely. So I often think of that, and if a day comes where he can't help me make decisions and can't help support me.. It's still, till death do us part. Without God helping me keep my eyes on how He wants me to see everything (which I fail terribly at more often than not) I wouldn't be close to showing my husband unconditional love. Thought I'd share, especially since you wanted responses. Sorry I rambled.
I have so much to learn. I so often feel like I work hard, life should be easy. But hard times are what produce character and so often I think God is punishing me when life isn't easy. Don't know where I was going with that..
I've always thought I've been blessed, life has been relatively good for me but maybe it's the opposite?
Btw, do u know of any women's ministries or ministries for kids or elderly in the Morgantown area that may want an extra hand? (sorry I continued to ramble, I hope some of it made sense)
Observation: assuming arranged marriages takes the "our parents/elders know us better than we know ourselves and so can better find us a suitable mate" stance, how is it any different than the online profile services?
ReplyDeleteThe ads make a lot of noise about compatibility quotients and factors, etc., which all makes it seem very mechanical. But ultimately, they filter through our responses looking for the key tidbits - not unlike old school matchmakers or parents or tribal elders or whomever - that "match" us with someone else.