I know most people love weddings. I don't want this blog series to in any way crush those people's dreams. Insofar as weddings celebrate marriage, I affirm them. But to make the world a better place in the future, I feel compelled to point out those aspects of some weddings that make them terrible.
As for my qualification to critique weddings, I have none. I'm just a guy with some opinions. But I have been to tons of weddings (and been a groomsman in many of them), so my opinions have at least been forged by repetition and experience.
Pet Peeve #1 -- Forcing me to go alone
This one doesn't involve garters
Weddings were simpler at the innocent age of 20. I was surrounded at all times by a mob of other fun-loving 20-year-olds, so weddings were teeming with peers who were having fun, talking, dancing, and being single.
Fast forward 6 years, and things are different. Weddings are now a place where a bunch of my peers, all in married couple pairs, get together to tell the new bride and groom, "Welcome to the club!" One or two mid-to-late-20s unmarried abominations are allowed in to eat the scraps from the table.
I hope it's obvious that I'm joking for effect, but the point remains -- I'm now in the minority as a single person, and that is relevant when it comes to attending an event that focuses solely on romance/love/marriage.
Not to make things too depressing, but the internal voice during weddings that I attend alone has shifted from
"I'm excited to get married someday!!"
to
"I hope to get married someday."
to
"Am I going to get married?! I freaking better get married!! Oh my gosh, what if I never get married?!!"
And yet, all this could be avoided so simply. Adding literally two characters to the RSVP card can redeem the entire event...
Having a date at the wedding makes all the difference. It means having someone to drive with to and from the wedding. Someone to talk to during the unbearably long wait before the reception. Someone to dance with during the 3 otherwise painfully awkward slow songs.
I realize the decision to deny dates is a financial one. I don't have a solution outside of investing in a money tree. But I will say that it's not as if you have to offer every single person a +1. If there's a huge community of people coming who all know each other, the singletons should be fine. But if someone on the invite list won't know anyone, or will probably only know married people, it's a different story.
Other people's opinions
Specifically, my friend's and yours
One of my friends, in a text that helped inspire this post, vented, "I'd rather not get an invite than get a solo one... People who do that have never gone stag to a wedding."
What do you think about going solo to a wedding? Will/have you forced others to go dateless?
Jon
I've been lucky that all the people I know who are getting married - which is essentially all of my friends - live at least one state away, meaning it's often very difficult to attend.
ReplyDeleteEven more lucky is that of the weddings I have attended lately, I've been in the wedding party. My nights are scripted and I rarely encounter the awkwardness.
But I'm right there with you on this one. The bride and groom ought to be cognizant of the fact that some of their guests may not know many people or are otherwise disengaged from the group. Affording the ability to have a +1 is useful and could redeem an otherwise 'turrible' night.
But then, if you're a single guy attending a wedding and you've got a +1 to burn, is the situation of filling that +1 any better than flying solo? It's a bit awkward to ask someone you're wooing (yes, I said wooing) to something so romantically intense. And it can also be weird to have a friend along to fill up those 3 slow songs if it's not that sort of friendship.
Being a single mid-20-something is all sorts of awkward anyway. Your particular capacity to deal with it probably determines where you'd rather experience the awkwardness of the +1.
I have nothing to add other than you're probably completely right Jon, but I don't know (yet?) as the only ones I've attended are family weddings or friends of the family weddings (so, essentially my nuclear family has been my "date", also, not many in the recent enough past where it's lame if I don't have a date). Anyway, I really just wrote this to tell you this post is great (as always).
ReplyDeleteSo, not only have I gone to a wedding alone, but I am "forcing" some people to come to our wedding alone. If you're the kind of person who can't have fun at a wedding alone, then you probably won't have fun even if a date attends. You'll probably be even more miserable because you'll be attempting to impress your date all night. If you're single, then you face alot of life's activities single... what's different about a wedding?
ReplyDeleteIf each guest was paying their own way at the reception, then sure, bring a date. But let's face it. Each person attending the reception costs money. I can't afford to allow everyone to bring dates.
Also, some people have the issue of space. For example, our reception venue only has space for 200 people. We were ultimately limited in who we could invite. So if I'm considering inviting my cousin versus someone's date.... sorry but I chose my cousin.
Lastly, a wedding is about the couple getting married, dedicating themselves to each other, and celebrating their love story. It's not about the guests or their relationship woes.
two words that could solve this dilemma for any cash-strapped, soon to be married couple and their single friends---Sin City!
ReplyDelete@Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteWow! Bold, strong, heated words!! (Other than "anonymous".)
I will respond to some of your points, but before I do I just want to say I'm not trying to argue. This post is just what it says it is -- a "pet peeve." Like people driving slowly in the left lane or the slowness of a Taco Bell "Express", it's not a life or death issue, nor is it something that enrages me. It's just something that annoys me, and I want people to know. Specifically, people who aren't married but someday will be.
In the first paragraph you said, "you face alot of life's activities single... what's different about a wedding?" This is like saying to someone, "you go to the theater and watch a lot of movies... what's different about Saw 19: Internal Organ Decimation?" The content of a wedding/reception is lightyears away from just about all other of "life's activities". It's not the same as going single to Friday night bowling.
Earlier in that paragraph, you said that if I can't have fun at a wedding alone, then I probably can't have fun at one with a date. Well, my experience has been that I've had more fun with a date. So, not sure what to say. Would you make that argument to a high schooler about prom?
As for space and cost, yeah there's nothing I can do about that. I return to my thought about not every single person's situation being the same. Take your anecdote about the friend's date vs. the cousin... if I'm the friend, and a bunch of my friends will be there, then nbd. But if I have to drive 3 hours and I'm going to know 2 people there, then I think you as a bride/groom should consider that.
Your final point, while worded a little harshly, is true. The event is about the bride and groom. It is a celebration of them. Definitely. That being said, a birthday party is a celebration of the birthday person, and yet if he insisted that I not bring my (at this point imaginary) girlfriend to his co-ed party, I might be annoyed, even though the party is for him. If that's too selfish, then my bad.
Anyway, congrats on your upcoming marriage!!
Half the fun of a wedding is trying to find a +1 at the reception. I recently attended a wedding knowing only the bride and my immediate family. Most of my immediate family members were seated at another table. I scoped out the scenery, found another single, chatted her up in the buffet line, and had a good time the rest of the night.
ReplyDelete^ Post by The Father of Genetics
ReplyDeleteIt's been said a few times, but going stag to a wedding where I will know a lot of people isn't really the issue. It's up to the bride and groom to read that situation, and usually they do a good job not handing out +1's to anyone. If a lot of my friends are going, I probably wouldn't want to take a date anyhow.
ReplyDeleteBut I recently got invited to a wedding on New Years Eve in the middle of the country where I will probably only know 1 married couple. A +1 would have been nice to that one.
One - Sorry, Anonymous, weddings are fun because dancing, eating, drinking, and celebrating with family and friends are all fun things to do. Marriage is beautiful and holy and deep, but you never people talk about how awesome one wedding or another was because of the union. People (including brides and grooms) remember weddings because of the receptions.
ReplyDeleteTwo – Because of number one, the more people attending a wedding that I know, the more likely it is that I will want to go. The people with whom I have tons of friends and family in common have the weddings that I am most excited about attending.
Therefore, the only conceivable tough situation I see for you, Jon, is being invited to a wedding that you really want to attend for some reason besides having fun with people. Not having a +1, not knowing many people attending, and still feeling close enough with one of the betrothed is a tough scenario. Otherwise, just politely decline. Not only does this save you from the annoying experience, you open up a spot for another stranded single to receive the “Hey dude, we had a few more people RSVP ‘no’ than we expected and have some extra spots. If you want to bring someone along, feel free,” phone call from the groom the week before the wedding.
If you decide you still want to attend, have a drink or two and follow the advice of the Father... of Genetics.
Chris
First of all, good job on trying to catch the wave of Google's "+1". :)
ReplyDeleteNow onto more important +1 comments...
If it's local and going stag is a frightening option, just attend the wedding and skip the reception. It saves the bride and groom money and you still get to show support of their nuptials. Weddings invitations are extremely difficult to make decisions about. However, I'd agree that of you're an unfamiliar single to the wedding guests the bride and groom should grant you a +1!
I have another time a +1 is appreciated. Even when I know a bunch of people, if ALL those people are married now (as is often the case with my college friends) hey guess what, it is no longer fun for me as the single friend. Yes, I go to celebrate the person being married, but now I can't sit with my friends (because they are at the couples tables), I don't have anyone to dance with, and in general im the odd one out. So even though I may know lots of people, that doesn't help if they are all married. +1 is hugely appreciated.
ReplyDeleteI have been in five weddings. Invited to 19. I have gotten a +1 one time. It hasnt stopped me from going to weddings, but trust me, that one time I got to bring a date, I really really appreciated it. I understand the financial obligations, but as we get older, weddings are more fun with dates. Especially as Im not as comfortable as anonymous as looking for another cute single person at a wedding...
Sharon
PS:yes, I have thought about this a little :) also a pet peeve of mine!
Just read this so sorry I'm a little behind. A few thoughts from both sides:
ReplyDeleteWhen i was single:
I also had the painful experience of going to multiple weddings alone. Wasn't dating at the time or anything. You really don't notice it to badly if you have friends there until there is a slow song and you find yourself alone at your table wishing you had a girlfriend or a date. So, Jon, I totally know the feeling bro. And at those times I wished for a "+1" on my invite.
As a married dude:
Man, just so you know, until you have to plan a wedding, you have absolutely no idea how much time, effort and hard decisions go into it. I was naive about the how process til i had to help Jaime do it. Now i realize when i was single why i didn't always get the +1.
1) Space, venues have limits and when you have a big family (like Jaime's) you are very limited on the friends you can invite.
2) MONEY!!! As you already mentioned.
3) This is the hardest part. For our wedding we had to give out +1's to boyfriends of cousins and fiances of friends that we didn't even know. When it is your special wedding day and you are paying $50 per person attending, you want people there that you know and love and care about. Paying a lot of money for a stranger was hard and that was strangers connected to our own family. +1's are given out to other people but usually those that are engaged or at least dating someone. It is very hard to give out +1's to single people so they can invite some random person that the bride and groom have never met.
I just blabbed on a lot and may not have made much sense, but to sum it up, I feel your pain because i have been there before, but don't be offended. As someone who has planned a wedding, it is virtually impossible to give someone a +1 to a single person. HANG IN THERE DUDE