No Turn on Red

Friends,

As you go through life, you learn to appreciate silver linings. If a hairdresser cuts your hair way too short and it looks bad, that's a bummer; but hey, it will now be longer until your next haircut and thus you'll save some money. If your favorite basketball or football team is in the tank, at least they'll get a good draft pick next year. If a dog poops in your yard... okay, there's not always a silver lining.

I think this might be why I love turning right on red. Red lights are, in general, a bad part of driving. You just have to sit there. Nothing is happening except that you're becoming a little bit later for that meeting. The more you struggle with boredom and impatience, the worse red lights can be.

That's why it's nice that there's a little silver lining-- if you're turning right, go ahead and make that turn. Red light averted!

...unless you live in Pittsburgh.

A Mystery for the Ages
Well, just the age of automobile transportation

For some reason, in the city limits of Pittsburgh, you're almost never allowed to turn right on red. Sometimes, this makes sense for geographical or traffic reasons. But sometimes it doesn't, and I'm going to highlight just one example of this.

It's a spot any Pitt student, or really anyone who's been to Oakland, will recognize immediately: the stretch of Forbes Ave. between the Cathedral of Learning and Schenley Plaza. Here's a map:

Photo credit: Google Maps

Ok, I want to specifically draw your attention to the intersection, when you're driving on Forbes, at the "end" of Schenley Plaza, before you reach the museums. It's the one I've circled below:

Photo credit: Google Maps, Microsoft Paint

Now, I want you to notice three things about this intersection:

• Forbes is one-way. This means that when you are at a red light on Forbes, there is no oncoming traffic; specifically, there is no oncoming traffic that could have a left green arrow to be turning onto Schenley Drive Extension on your right. Furthermore, the traffic driving up Schenley Drive Ext. can't turn left onto Forbes.
• It's not some sort of zany, steep, curvy, blind, wooded, careening, narrow, or otherwise dangerous turn. This is your standard, 90-degree, open-air right turn.
• Sure, pedestrians cross Schenley Dr Ext. But when Forbes Ave. drivers have a green light is the ideal time for those people to walk, just as at any stoplight. When the traffic perpendicular to you is stopped, you walk across. As for pedestrians crossing Forbes itself, this is the same as any red-light scenario--the stopped, slow-moving drivers turning right on red yield to the easy-to-see, slow-moving pedestrians. No danger whatsoever.

So there's absolutely no reason to stop a driver from turning right, during a red light, from Forbes to Schenley Dr Ext. And yet:

Photo credit: Google Maps Street View

Now, you may not be able to read that little white sign next to the traffic light. So I've taken the liberty of zooming in:

Photo credit: Hell

Have you been mystified by the 'No Turn on Red' traffic laws of Pittsburgh? Does your city do this, too?

Do you have any other traffic rule pet peeves?

Comment below!

Jon

SHARE THE ROAD (they scream)

Friends,

Here's a fun fact about me: I've never been very good at riding a bike. There have been three distinct phases of my life in which riding a bike has been relevant, and each contains its own unpleasant memory.

Elementary school years, Elm Grove neighborhood in Wheeling, WV: my friend Blake came over to ride bikes together, and I accidentally drove mine right into his, knocking us both to the ground.

Middle school years, Oakmont Hills neighborhood in Wheeling, WV: my neighbor Matt was riding in a van with his mom, and just as they drove to a spot right by me, I suddenly and inexplicably fell off my bike to the ground.

College years, mission trip in a large city in "East Asia": I rented a bike to ride it to a neighboring part of the city. While nothing bad actually happened, I pedaled in terror as my mind replayed the above two memories the entire time. It's amazing I survived that 20-minute bike ride.

So, for the purposes of our present conversation, suffice it to say... I have no sympathy for bicyclists.


The Problem with Bikes on the Road
That should read "problems," but the s clashes with the s from bikes

Listen, I know I'm taking an incredibly unpopular line here, particularly in the era of going green. Bikes don't produce the harmful emissions of cars. Riding a bike helps a person stay healthy and fit. Shouldn't we all just work together and make sacrifices for the environment and physical health?!?

Yeah, probably. But I'm not asking everyone to throw away their bikes (or even a more eco-friendly act like turning them into modern art). If you want to bike around to various places, that's your choice and prerogative, as much as it annoys me. But I have two big problems with the way most cyclists seem to do it:

1. Why aren't you obeying any traffic laws??
Cyclists want to be treated on the road like a slow-moving car. My understanding is you yield to them, give them a wide berth, only pass them when you can safely go over into the next (usually oncoming) lane to do so, etc. I'm fine with all that. Bikes can operate and be treated as snail-like, molasses-soaked, slow motion replay, almost-staying-at-rest cars. Whatever. Patience is a virtue, so thank you cyclists, for making me more virtuous. However, why do these "cars" get to run EVERY SINGLE RED LIGHT in the world when no cars are coming? And I mean it--every single one. I've never seen a cyclist who didn't casually pedal through a red light, provided no one was coming. And they're always squeezing between cars waiting at a red light and parked cars just to make sure they can run that red!

2. How can you be so full of rage? Do you think we know car-bicycle laws??
Maybe it's because I'm anciently old, but there were absolutely no questions on my driving test about sharing the road with bikes. There was never an official memo issued years later that said, "Hey drivers, there are now a bunch of slow-moving bicycles right smack in the middle of your driving lane. Sorry if you wanted to be on time to that meeting. Here are the relevant driving laws." So when we legitimately don't know the right way to pass you, or yield to you, or smile as you run every red light, please don't, like, lose your mind and summon the burning ire of all the world's volcanoes. I once unknowingly tried to turn right on red around a group of bikers (who were just sitting there, not making any attempt to turn right themselves), and their grizzled leader seriously almost exploded his own head during his red-faces tirade of screams at me.

A few considerations: I understand that in the large scheme of things, it is the bikers who are at risk in shared road experiences. If they get hit, they can die. Believe me, I want drivers to be informed and safe and for no bikers or drivers to suffer any injuries anywhere at any time (and for you drivers who want to educate yourselves, here's a helpful site). This doesn't change the fact that bicyclists on the road are super annoying. In some sense, the answer to #2 above could simply be, "We're angry at bad driving because our lives are at stake." In theory, yes, of course. But I've seen many cyclists flip out about situations that are not remotely life-threatening, in which the driver's responsibility is not at all clear.

Considerations, cont'd: Furthermore, I've never heard a good explanation for #1 above. I once read a very well-written, angry blog post from a biker about the evils and ignorance of drivers and the glorious innocence of bikers. I wish I could find it now and give you the link. But alas, when I read it years ago, nothing inside me was inspired to bookmark it... Anyway, the writer basically said, "Drivers, when you start obeying traffic laws, so will we." What? Are you kidding me? First of all, imagine a society in which a group of people approaches a law as something they only have to obey if some other group obeys some other law. Secondly, as noted above, we drivers don't know all the laws about bikes on the road--but you certainly know the laws of a red light. Finally, the more you break blatant laws of the road, the more we detest your presence there.

Well, I expect some controversy, if any of my readers are cyclists. That being said, let's keep it friendly (well, to whatever meager standard of friendliness I've set) as we explore:

• Whether as a cyclist or a driver, what has been your experience of sharing the road?

From theclipartwizard.com... photo credits are stupid.

How to Argue on Facebook

Friends,

In one of life's great mysteries, I've been giving a lot of attention to my devotional blog and almost none to this one, though the readership of Tangent Space(s) dwarfs that of the other one. As the New Radicals crooned in the days of my restless youth, "Someday We'll Know why..."

But now, O readers, I present a Tangent forged in the flames of internal fire (once I committed to the vocative 'O', I had to end the sentence with something alliterative and epic). We discuss a topic that I both love and hate, and love to hate, and hate that I love, a topic not unlike a car crash from which I can't look away...

Arguing on Facebook.

The Facebook Argument Paradox
You can't live without them, and you can't make them better... until now.

Here's the thing. In a perfect world, debates-- ethical, political, religious, or otherwise-- wouldn't primarily occur on a superficial, delete-able, Like-able, unfriend-able, poke-able social media site rife with pictures of duckface selfies and newborns. But I'm afraid that's the world we live in.

The truth is that conversations, whether they turn into arguments or not, about things like marriage equality, gun control, religious freedoms, abortion, etc., ought to be happening. While, again, Facebook is far from the ideal place for this, it happens to be the setting, at least for now, where people share their opinions. I think there ought to be a way for people to discuss important issues in the medium that is currently most popular for having discussions.

The problem (which you already know if you've used Facebook during an election year) is that these, ahem, discussions often deteriorate into the text versions of all-out bar fights. (I have absolutely no idea what an actual version of a bar fight is like, but I've watched plenty of motion pictures.) 

How should we respond to the history of mean-spirited, illogical, non sequitur, and/or ad hominem tirades we've seen (or taken part in)? It seems like the two most common responses are to 'sink to their level' by spouting off our own angry outburst, or to flee the scene and not take part in any controversial Facebook conversations.

But what if, instead, we could agree to some ground rules? Because I love Aaron Sorkin, what if we borrowed the rules from the reboot of News Night from his HBO hit The Newsroom (as seen here)? 

Facebook Argument 2.0

1. Is this information that people need in the voting booth?
While this isn't the same rubric you or I would use in our Facebook debates, the principle is the same-- is it worth it to weigh in on this? Just like News Night only has 42 minutes of news it can report, you only have so much time and energy to devote to public forums. Choose topics that are important and about which you know something (otherwise just reading and learning would be better).

2. Is this the best possible form of the argument?
Think before you type. Also, read and re-read what you've written before you hit enter. There are many drawbacks to responding in emotion and haste, and making a bad argument is one of them. If after thought and reflection you realize you can't actually argue your point well, again it's probably better to just read up on the topic instead of entering the fray.

3. Is this story in historical context?
Just like it would be shoddy for a news organization to report one event or quotation outside its historical context, so it is when you or I angrily opine on only one facet, element, or quotation from a much larger issue and ignore the many other factors connected to it. This again calls for thoughtfulness; do I understand the entire issue? To give one small but timely example: in the recent Hobby Lobby decision, religious freedom and contraceptive/women's/health rights are both major factors. Both need to be considered. A man has to do his best to understand a woman's perspective. An irreligious person has to do shis best to understand a religious person's perspective.

Just as Mack randomly added a fourth rule, I will do the same:

4. Be kind.
This seems to be the hardest one. Especially when the person you're arguing with is a 'Facebook friend of a Facebook friend', making them essentially not a real person to you. But here's the thing-- they are all real people (except of course for Catfished profiles, but I'm sure they avoid political debates). The people on Facebook, however ignorant, misguided, 'bigoted', short-sighted, unenlightened, or stupid they may be-- are people. You may despise their opinions, beliefs, arguments, etc., but please still show them basic human respect in your disagreement. This allows an environment in which other people can contribute their ideas on all sides of an issue. If you just bash a person, or even bash them back, the conversation is over.

[Note: I've even called out people before for breaking rule 4. Perhaps I shouldn't have, but I have. They usually respond that they were only violently thrashing the person's stance, not the person himself. If that helps someone sleep at night, then okay. But in my opinion, violent thrashing need not enter the picture at all. Saying, "I have no idea what you mean here... your argument makes no sense to me because... I absolutely disagree with your conclusion because" is so much better, to me, than "your idiotic argument... one of the dumbest things I've ever heard... it's insane that anyone would think that way..."]


What has your experience been with Facebook arguments?

Have I forgotten any crucial rules to making Facebook a better forum?

Do you think we can pull it off? Can social networks be a place where conflicting ideas are meaningfully shared with each other?

Jon

From katu.com

The Great Adverb Mystery of 2010

Friends,

I took about 5 months off from writing Tangents. Many of you may have come to the horrifying, devastating (read: having no visible or felt effect) conclusion that this blog had petered out and died. Alas! No! 

I got married, guys, and while I've still found plenty of ways to waste time, for a while I let go of this blog to figure out my new life. Now that I've done so (read: summer is here), Tangent Space(s) is back.

And we return with a story I meant to blog about a few years ago...

Answering rather brilliantly
"if I do say so myself," which is a weird phrase because it always follows something the speaker did indeed just say

Several years ago, one of my best friends was getting married. Being much cooler and more adventurous than, say, I am, he decided to have his bachelor party in New York City. (Who wants to cavort around Times Square, Broadway, and Central Park when you can comfortably play games in an apartment? But that's not the point of this story.) I wasn't able to make the trip to the Big Apple, so I was home that night, going to sleep at a somewhat reasonable time.

At approximately 3:45am, several hours after my somewhat reasonable bedtime, my phone rang. Now, reader, you may or may not know me well, but either way please believe me when I tell you that when I wake up unexpectedly, I do so as an alternate bear-zombie version of myself. I don't know who or where I am, I paw the air while growling, and my face displays the vacant, heartless stare of the undead.

So it was that Zombie Bear (not a bad Smash Up deck, I bet) Jon answered his phone in the middle of the night, wondering who in the world would call at such an hour. The answer, of course, was a member of my friend's bachelor party; and while the caller's ID will remain secret, it's a safe bet he resembles an iconic 80s teen movie star. The point is, I answered the phone with about 10% brainpower.

"Jon!!!" the caller said, "You're smart!" (At this point I started waking up to flash my modest smile, graciously accepting the compliment.) "We were trying to think of adverbs that don't end in -ly. Can you think of any?!"

Now, there are like 3 things in the world that merit a call at 3:45am:

1. A medical emergency to a loved one
2. The death of a loved one
3. A wake-up call to prepare for a 6am flight

A fun little word challenge is obviously right on the bubble, but I don't think it makes the cut...

At any rate, I think deep down I appreciated the chance to play a role in the bachelor party, so I used what little brain power I had access to and got to work. My first thought was the one that proved to be key, and that was-- remember what an adverb is. It's a word that modifies a verb or adjective (or another adverb, but it was way too early to get that close to adverb-ception). The first category, adverb that modifies verb, isn't very helpful as all the ones that come to mind off the top of one's zombie bear head end in -ly: quickly, furtively, secretly, stealthily (we are apparently modifying the verbs of spies and pickpockets).

But the second function of adverbs! Yes! Which adverbs most commonly modify adjectives? Many of them work, e.g. quite, rather, very, super, and so. I rattled these off, along with the only one I could think of from the first category, "well."

And so, after an episode likely not remembered by the actual attendees of the event, I drifted back to sleep considering myself a Bachelor Party Hero...

What's in an adverb?
other than the letters L and Y

- Can you think of more adverbs that don't end in -ly?
- What's your favorite adverb?

Jon

Not sure if a photo credit is needed for some janky piece of clipart. If so: digilearner.com

Super Bowl 2014: A Guide for the Football-Illiterate

Friends,

Wow, it's been a while since I've given you a Tangent. I'm sorry. During my hiatus, I hope you enjoyed my friend Jeromie's guest post on semicolons. As usual, I have an excuse for my delay; I've been writing a ton for my new devotional blog, the link to which is on the bar above ("The Bible Tangents").

In the past, I've given you a few guides. A dude's guide to chick flicks. A bachelor's guide to home decorating. The (intended) charm of these posts was that I was providing guides on topics I know nothing about, largely to people who probably know a lot more about them.

This guide is different. I know a lot about pro football. And for many of my readers (really trying not to genderalize here), pro football is a mysterious or uninteresting subject. Why, then, would these readers care for a cheat sheet?

Two words: Super Bowl.

Pretty much everyone watches the Super Bowl. Whether it's for the football, the commercials, or the buffalo chicken dip, almost everyone I know tunes in.

Wouldn't it be cool, those of you who aren't football-savvy, to wow your friends with some keen insights and inside football jokes at this year's big party? I hope you just fist-pumped and cried, "Yeah!", because wowing is exactly what I'm going to help you do.

I'm not going to go into tons of details, because here's the deal-- you don't even have to understand these things. Just memorize them, word for word (they're easy), and say them at the right time. Memorize, say. 

Leave the rest to me.

Cheat Sheet for Super Bowl XLVIII
First idea: comment on how long that Roman numeral is

1. "Beast mode (on the field)"
I didn't save the best for last. I gave it to you right out of the gate. Rookie mistake, maybe, but I really want you to use this one. When Seattle (blue/green/teal team) running back (guy who runs with the ball) Marshawn Lynch (will probably have dreads coming out the back of his helmet) does something good, just say "Beast mode!", or if you want to go all out, "Beast mode on the field!" This should impress everyone, because it hearkens back to an amazing interview:

2. Peyton's charity
This is all over the news, but hey, some people steer clear of anything football-related. If that's you, I'll fill you in: whenever Peyton Manning (Denver quarterback) yells "Omaha!" before a play, which he does often, a donation is made to the Peyback Foundation. This won't be super impressive to show off, but you could be creative and/or subtle. I suggest responding to an "Omaha!" with a gentle smile and, "Bless his heart."

3. Denver's shaky defense
Just memorize the fact that Denver has a shaky defense. Is it true? I don't know; I'm too lazy to look up stats right now. But I think it's certainly a reasonable claim. If you point this out, it will stun your football friends. Here's what I recommend: wait until the Seahawks (blue/green/teal team) have a good passing or running play and then nod your head knowingly and observe, "Denver does have a pretty shaky D".

4. Sherman: man or monster?
There's a defensive player (doesn't usually touch the ball, just tackles people) for Seattle (still teal) named Richard Sherman (who will also, coincidentally, have dreads coming out the back of his helmet). You won't have trouble finding him, because the cameras will turn to him early and often. Why? Because he recently gave a rabid, bellowing, frothing post-game TV interview. You can use this to your advantage however you want, but I suggest something like, "Wonder if they'll give him a post-game interview?" 


And that will pretty much make you the star of the Super Bowl party.

For football fans: What other tips do you have for the non-fans?
For the non-fans: Please let me know if you try any of these!!

Jon

Guest Post: The Semicolon

(Today's post, and hopefully what kicks Tangent Space(s) back into high gear, is from my awesome friend Jeromie up in the Great White North. The link to his blog can be found at the end of the post.)

Semicolons; they stand united.
Photo Credit: ilovememphis via Compfight cc

Remember those basic standards tests we had to take back in high school? The ones you needed to pass in order to graduate? At our school we had to meet with our English teacher one-on-one before we could take the writing test.

As I sat down, she quickly assured me that I had nothing to worry about. In fact, she even challenged me to try a few new writing techniques just to spice things up a bit (that's when I knew for a fact teachers really don't read students' papers). Her exact words:

'You should try throwing in a semicolon or two; they're an easy way to bump up your score.'

I took her advice, and ended up scoring a 5 out of 4. You read that right - apparently the writing test people should spend more time with the math test people. I think it was supposed to be a scale of 1 to 4, then 4's were broken down and scaled from 4 to 7. Maybe to make the 2's and 3's not feel as bad as they would if it were 2 out of 7 or 3 out of 7? Who knows...

She had created a monster. I tend to use them everywhere now; not quite as often as the hyphen, but still more than any human should. And now I have an even bigger confession to make - I never actually took the time to learn how to properly use the semicolon!

If you know, please don't share. I'd much rather go on living in my own happy little world.

Instead of learning the rules, I decided to make my own little gradient for connecting phrases in my writing. It goes something like this:

And
Two phrases, one uninterrupted thought. 'She slapped him and walked furiously out the door.'  

Comma
Two phrases, one thought with a slight pause in the middle. 'Reaching the sidwalk, she paused and considered going back for her world-class record collection.'  

Hyphen
Two thoughts, closely connected. Often an effect-cause relationship. 'She decided to forget about them - they would remind her too much of him anyway.'  

Semicolon
Two thoughts that could stand on their own as two sentences. Implies slightly more intimacy than a period. Also implies the writer has a better-than-thou mentality. 'The brake lights disappeared into the distance; he was going to miss her something fierce.'  

So there you have it - my made up rules for writing.


Which grammar rules do you follow religiously? Which do you avoid like the plague? Are any of them rules that you made up yourself?

Jeromie Hamann

WisdomWonderBeauty