Happy February 15. Across the country, flowers are quickly withering and floors are strewn with empty chocolate boxes. Many single people are breathing a collective sigh of relief, and many others are trying to ignore the impending feelings of how ephemeral romance is.
In light of this, I wanted to blog about romance. I've already given a supposed manifesto (pep talk) on being single, a vehement rant about inconsiderate online rejection, and my airtight case for the impossibility of male-female friendship. These are all my main talking points when it comes to romance, or at least the phase of it I'm in now (prolonged singleness).
Well, all my main talking points except for the one that's too personal and requires too much honesty -- why being (seemingly always) single sucks and how I deal with it.
The main reasons I've never given this area a Tangent are:
A. I want this blog to be funny. Wrestling with singleness isn't funny.
B. I want this blog to be about things that have little or nothing to do with me. I want a random person to be able to come here and have a thought-provoking read and some laughs without necessarily knowing me or liking me in real life.
C. Those rare times when I touch on my personal life, I want it to be something like a rap video, not a heartfelt issue that seems to beg for pity or commiseration.
And yet, in the event that some of you had a tough time this Valentine's Day, maybe my experience and lessons can be an encouragement. [If not, hey, you would have just spent this 15 minutes scanning facebook or twitter anyway, right?]
What I've learned about being single
In addition to "it sucks"
A few months back, my singleness hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been doing okay with it, even enjoying it at times, but you know how it is (unless you're one of those people who's always in a relationship or who got married when you were 21): more friends get engaged and married, more girls reject me, more rain and snow pour down on this dreary city...
Then God mercifully brought me to the point of such aggravation that I just had to turn off my activities and take a night to be with Him and listen to Him. I pulled out my journal and my Bible and said, "Teach me whatever I need to learn. Say whatever I need to hear. I need You to help me."
What followed in the next few hours has shaped my outlook on -- and my day-to-day struggle with -- this "season of life God has me in." God showed me things in my heart and mind that were crippling my ability to follow Him or to have any measure of contentment with my life.
These lessons were so significant to me that, hey, why not share them with a bunch of people online? I'm not sure of the best way to organize these thoughts. Sorry if I've failed to do so optimally. Here's the gist of what I wrote down last November:
1. I feel lonely. Why?
Ultimately, because I don't experience God's love. Something in me fails to connect with Him emotionally or refuses to believe that He really does love me. Because I'm not receiving this love that I so deeply need, I want desperately to receive it from a woman.
Response: believe God loves me, spend time with Him, cling to the truth of Eph 2:4 and Zeph 3:17, pray when I struggle to believe these things
2. How has this loneliness been affecting my faith?
Among other things, it has caused me to be bitter toward God. How could I possibly feel this way? Well, I think lurking somewhere below the surface of my faith is the ridiculous notion that if I follow Christ, I'm ENTITLED to receive whatever blessings I want. "If I want a wife, then as long as I'm following Christ, I deserve to have one promptly." When this ugly, miles-from-realistic expectation isn't met, bitterness ensues.
Response: focus on trusting His goodness and wisdom, pray for patience, be willing to forsake everything to follow Him
3. How have I been viewing myself?
Somehow I've tied my self-worth to my desirability to women. This is pretty much nothing but a complete lie spoon-fed to me by pop culture. The reality of my worth flows entirely from what God thinks of me, not what I've done or what any person thinks of me.
Response: be vulnerable with others about this, cling to the truth of Eph 1:4-14 and Heb 7:25, be thankful for God's many blessings
In the months since, this has crystallized to a very simple regimen:
1. Believe that God loves me
2. Trust His plan more than mine
3. Pray for patience
Anytime I feel sad or lonely or sense any bitterness, I try to "check myself" right away with those three steps. If I need a more thorough spiritual treatment, I go to some of the more detailed thoughts or responses above.
Thanks for reading!
If anyone made it this far
Well, there it is. Maybe none of you struggles with singleness the way I do. In fact, I sincerely hope that none of you does. But, for the sake of not wasting your time, if you didn't find this helpful, I hope you at least found it interesting.
If you're willing to join me in some vulnerability, I'd love to hear what some of your fears or lies are in romance and how you deal with them. If you'd rather not, I understand. I'll come back soon with something silly and fun.
Jon
you know my fear of commenting, but i feel better equipped to speak on this topic than on most of your other tangents.
ReplyDeletebro, i've had way more experience in this "season of life" than you have, which means i've had way more time to believe lies, wrestle with the Lord, and arrive on the other side bruised but still standing. (was the "bro" too much? your dude guys are wearing off on me.)
if i’ve learned anything, it’s (1) that waiting on God often sucks, but His timing is perfect. (2) all the cliché things people say are more annoying than helpful. And (3) your regimen is solid, but the acts of believing and trusting can be really difficult.
i just want to encourage you (because that’s what i do). you're great. you’re funny and fun and intelligent. you’re a strong leader, and you’re growing in gentleness and humility. you’re becoming more like Christ, and you encourage others to do the same.
i clearly don’t have answers for you, but keep taking it to Jesus. and meditate on psalm 34. it’s a good one.
you’ll bless the socks off of some girl some day. until then, the women of your staff team will keep crying at staff meetings so you can practice.
thanks for sharing!
These are areas I've dealt with (and I'm sure all single people) as well. For me it's easy to think, I'm going to trust God today, but have difficulty finding ways to put that into action. It's great that you added verses after each section and will check them out right after this. I've found that the Do Not Worry section of the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew is a comfort in difficult times as well.
ReplyDeleteJoseph
Because I believe it's my God-given gift to drop the cancer card into any conversation more times than I can take a breath, let me just say that this issue of singleness takes on a new shine when one has cancer, as in fact I do.
ReplyDeleteBecause the nature of this crap is so.. intimate (read: my body is doing things I will barely tell my bestest friend about), you start to wonder...would this be easier with a husband, someone with whom that intimacy is established, so that you don't have to go through all of the awfulness mostly so alone? Great question! I can't wait to be cancer-free, and helping other girls get through it.
But I think the question has a bearing on non-cancerous singles as well. It makes me think that maybe our lines between marriage-love, and friend/family-love are skewed. Maybe we're not vulnerable enough with the people around us. We idealize marriage, and think "My husband could care for me that way," when really... so many friends are waiting to care for me that way. And you, you too. Not you, Jon. I mean, yes, you Jon. But all of us. (I'm such an awkward commenter, like, 98% of time (and then I double-parentheses comment on my awkwardness which must make it, like, 99%(ugh, whatever))).
The point is--I, too, (wrong commas? right commas?) struggle with Christian singleness, but I wonder if sometimes that struggle doesn't have to be such a...struggle. If maybe some of what I crave in marriage I could have if I were willing to be a little bolder, a little softer, a little more vulnerable with the people in my life.
Idk. Anybody? Am I being naive, or optimistic, or something even worse?
I think it's true that we idealize marriage and have unrealistic expectations about its benefits. But I'm not sure how much intimacy is possible to generate in other relationships. I mean sure, we need to be vulnerable with our friends and let them care for and love us. In fact, that's a great (and not trivial) idea. But even then, the amount of time, attention, and affection available in those relationships, at least I'm guessing, will not consistently approach those in a marriage. Not to be a downer or nay-sayer or anything. But those are my two cents.
DeleteI haven't spent the time to read the other comments, but I do want to say that I agree fully with your assessment Jon, and, in fact, had similar revelations myself over the past few months in my singleness.
ReplyDeleteI would, however, like to add an additional point (that phrase seems redundant). Not to discount all of the great advice, but along with patience, we should also be praying for that special someone. I'm going to steal this from my blog (which stole it from a talk I heard by Donald Miller): Adam, before sin was even existent, had need for a companion. He had to do a little work to prove to God that He needed to send one.
So, I guess the point is, expect big things from God, but (and this is my own advice) don't expect Him to tear out a rib of yours and build you a wife overnight. There's obviously some amount of work that goes into finding her.
Dude-bro-man, TOTALLY. I couldn't agree more. The absence of these kinds of thoughts in this post was not at all meant to imply that I do, or that anyone should, just sit around idly while waiting for the spontaneous generation of a mate.
DeleteThat part of the equation just fell outside the scope of this tangent. I was only focusing on heart and faith issues. Thanks for adding your (and Donald Miller's) very good thoughts!
Agreed that it wasn't a necessary part to be included in your post (I realize this is a longer post of yours, even though I'd probably read a 2000 word post you wrote on cat vomit, no homo). I just think it's an important thing to keep in mind when we have discussions like this (because personally, I think it's depressing to sit around and wait)
DeleteHow about that! i told ya this post would be a crowd pleaser! although i had envisioned it to be more ammusing in my mind. Loved it none the less. thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDelete