Singleness Manifesto

Preamble

I'm not sure this will qualify as a manifesto.  But ever since learning about "manifest destiny" in fifth grade, I've attempted to use "manifest" and all its variations as much as possible in conversation and writing.

Some of you may wonder why singleness would need a defense/justification/encouragement.  Can't we all just be content with our lot in life, enjoying whatever season we're in and patiently waiting for whatever's next?  No.  If you're wondering that, I'm guessing you got married when you were 20-22 or have never come up to breathe between relationships.   Patience and contentment are possible in theory, but when you're alone on a Friday night eating ice cream and watching a Golden Girls marathon, they seem just a little out of reach.

And so, it is with the memories of many nights spent watching Blanche and Rose, and with a strong desire to sleep peacefully at night, that I present to you the 5 Pillars of Singleness.

Pillar 1: Self-actualization

We each have so many passions.  Maybe you're cool and want to make rock 'n roll music, or play in a sports league, or learn to dance or cook.  Maybe you're less cool and want to analyze Lord of the Rings, or study beekeeping, or master a dice-rolling baseball board game.  There are things out there that you love -- some of them that you've never tried.  The time you have being single (that you wouldn't have if you were married or in a "serious relationship") is calling out to be used for these things.

But that time has even better uses possible than interests and hobbies.  There are deep, important questions to answer about why you're here on Earth and what will make your life meaningful to you.  There is no time like... single time?... to investigate, answer, and pursue these mysteries.

For instance, one of the hallmarks of my life is a desire to bring honor to God.  I figured this out in the context of personal study and prayer, not on a date with a woman.  And what style of life best lends itself to bringing God honor?  In general, it's a lifestyle of singleness; as the apostle Paul said, "One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but the one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided."

The above principle obviously doesn't just apply to my particular bent toward pleasing God; once you've found a mission, goal, or calling that brings your life meaning, being single lends a single-mindedness to your efforts in that area.

Pillar 2: Availability to others

Here is a grand mystery -- most of my friends are married/engaged/etc. (e.g. my closest 9 guy friends of the last 7 years of my life are ALL in this broad category), and yet I spend time socially much more with the few single friends I have.

But it's not really that mysterious.  When you're serious with someone, you spend a serious amount of time with shim (I refuse to say "them" or "him or her").  When you're not, you have a serious amount of time to spend with whomever.  It's strange that "serious" can mean "considerable in consequence", as in its uses above, in addition to "without humor," which sadly is probably true of this paragraph.

Pillar 3: Finding real self-value

One of the reasons we pine for romantic relationships, I think, is that while in them we feel more valuable.  And of course we do, because the person values us and goes to lengths to express that.

And yet, I'm pretty sure our worth is entirely God-given (if you prefer, read: intrinsic).  But we're so messed up that we sometimes require feeling valued in order to believe that we have value.  If you've ever fallen into this rut, then stretches of datelessness can be rough because you feel pretty worthless. 

But singleness is the only real context in which you can remedy this correctly.  When you're in a relationship, the lightbulb of your true worth (apart from any other person's opinion) is probably not going to go off for the first time.

Pillar 4: Struggle is good

The difficult times shape who we are.  They bring resolve, perseverance, and maturity.  So, stretches of loneliness and relationship envy -- when fought through with faith, hope, and love -- make us better people.

Pillar 5: Setting the stage for a good Decision

I think I wrote about this in my old Xanga days.  My position hasn't changed much.  When the time comes to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with a specific person, I think you want to enter into that decision with wisdom and experience.  Part of that experience will be past relationships and what you learned from them (what you want in a spouse, what you don't want, how you relate to different types of people).  Part of it will be what you've learned about yourself.

My experience has been that I learn the most about myself when I'm single... when I'm single I spend more time with myself.

Plus, if you're single now, that means you'll make that Decision when you're older than you are now.  Odds are that Future You will be wiser and a better decision-maker than You are.

Epilogue

"And this is not to say
there never comes a day
I'll take my chances and start again.

And when I look behind
on all my younger times,
I'll have to thank the wrongs
that led me to a love so strong."

--John Mayer, from "Perfectly Lonely"


Keep fighting, singletons.

Jon