Tootsie Pops: a critical review

Friends,

I hope you have an iPhone 4s or 5 for two reasons: (1) I'm about to tell an iPhone story, and (2) iPhones are awesome (I want good things for you).

Like most iPhone owners, I had an initial period of fascination with Siri. Not with her relatively boring functionality, of course, but with her sassy personality. To try to tease this out, I asked her various popular questions to see her responses. For instance, I asked her "Who's on first?", and she aptly replied, "Correct. Who is on first."

One such question is related to our current topic. Check it out:

Oh, the days before I had 4G or could dictate question marks.

That this question has been researched by students at Cambridge raises dire concerns about the state of higher education worldwide. This terror notwithstanding, we forge ahead to the question at hand:

What's up with Tootsie Rolls?
Aside from Tootsie Pop anticlimax

There was a time when I loved Tootsie Pops. An age of innocence, when anything that had sugar filled me with delight. But times have changed ("relationships have become more sophisticated, females less cruel, skins thicker, instincts more developed"), and now I more or less demand that my food taste good from start to finish.

And therein ("as the Bard would tell us") lies the rub. The actual lollipop portion of a Tootsie Pop is pretty awesome, at least in whatever flavor one usually enjoys. I could pound the outside of cherry Tootsie Pops for days (an additional reason I will never buy a bag of them). But, like so many model homes and whitewashed tombs, what's on the inside is so much worse.

Does anyone actually like Tootsie Rolls? If you want to taste chocolate, you can more profitably eat any other chocolate product. In a pinch, you can just imagine the taste of chocolate. I think even that's better than eating a Tootsie Roll. 

Like, instead of giving you actual chocolate, Tootsie Rolls give you a faint semblance of chocolate in chewy-but-not-gooey form. It doesn't melt in your mouth or your hand, it just gets stuck in your teeth.

At least Blow Pops (bought out by the Tootsie Roll corporation in 1988) give you some utility at the end of the lollipop. That gum may only be enjoyable for 18 seconds, but hey, that's 18 seconds more than you're getting from a Tootsie Roll. At least the bubble gum isn't pretending to be edible.



I have two questions for you:
Can you think of a chocolate item worse than a Tootsie Roll?
Blow Pops or Tootsie Pops?

Jon

The Ethics of Trail Mix

Friends,

Rather than just apologize for the hundredth time about how it's been almost a month since our last Tangent, I'm going to apologize AND vent my frustration. 

Sorry it's been so long. When I started this blog adventure (not to be mistaken with "adventure blog", which I would take to mean a blog about hiking and mountain bikes, which this most certainly is not), I had a handful things I needed to write about. Pro baseball realignment. The good and the bad of being single. When Harry Met Sally, both as a chart topper and a source of relational wisdom.

The problem is that my pool of ideas, while vast, has more or less run dry. Don't panic-- Tangent Space(s) will live on. But I just want you to know, faithful reader(s(?)), that I've used up all my go-to rants about dog crap and traffic merging. From here on out, the regular exchange of ideas that is TS(s) will depend on my discipline and your help with ideas. The former is practically non-existent, so yeah... please help me.

In the meantime, I tackle a problem that is reprehensible, heinous, outright egregious... to my friend Bob. For some reason. I'm going to try to be angry for him.


M&Ms and Human Depravity
Trying to think of some joke about melting in your mouth, not in your hand; failing to do so

If you've ever been to a party, you've probably been to a party with trail mix. If I had my own rant to deliver, it would probably be about how crappy trail mix is. It shouldn't exist. Or maybe its existence should be relegated to the "trail". But this is Bob's rant, and so for the sake of tangentment, please picture a bowl of trail mix at a party.

Now, the thing about trail mix is that it attempts to mix salty and sweet. In one bowl, you find peanuts, cashews, almonds, granola, raisins, a bunch of other crap, and M&Ms. But you're at a party and it's 9pm. You're not interested in protein just now. Fiber is not a high priority. You want chocolate and you want it bad.

This, then, is the trail mix party dilemma-- on a dish serving as a public medley, you are interested in one and only one item.

There are obviously three options before you: eat nothing, eat the trail mix evenly in all its heterogeneity, or pick out and eat the M&Ms.

I'm afraid now we must say the hard truth. Many may disagree. But "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same" (that's for my mom, who has always loved that lyric from The Fray). Here it is, friends. Only the first two options are ethically permissible.

What's wrong, you might ask, with eating only the M&Ms? The answer is simple-- you ruin the trail mix for everyone else. Suppose the trail mix is 10% chocolate and 90% lame stuff. It won't take you long to eat all 10 of those percents. What you leave behind is an almost-full bowl that has become an abomination. 

You might respond with some hopeful thought that the mix and/or chocolate will be replaced. But that simply won't happen, because the bowl will be 90% full! The host won't even notice the change (unless shis hand scoops out the 'lame mix'), and no refill will take place.

This leads me to the point I want to make, the one part of this, umm, important problem that carries over into other parts of life. The violator of the trail mix dilemma typically isn't trying to be cruel, greedy, or self-centered. They legitimately just take the chocolate without thinking about the ramifications.

And that's the problem. In all our actions, large and small, we should be thinking about the ramifications. Will this affect other people? How will it make them feel? Will it make their lives better or worse?

When you eat all the M&Ms and nothing else, it affects us. It makes us feel sad. It makes our lives worse.


Trail Mix and You
Leave comments. It's sort of an "if you build it, they will come" principle in 2 directions

Have you come up against a trail mix devoid of chocolate?
Have you ever broken the ethical code of party food?
Have you any ideas for future tangents?

Jon

Top Five 90s Foods

Friends,

If you know me, you know I was a child of the 90s. The music, TV shows, and movies of that decade defined my childhood. As an '85 baby, I was perhaps perfectly situated in age to be 'raised' by Danny Tanner, MC Hammer, and Mufasa (and really, you can't argue with those role models).

But those parts of the 90s live on. Armed with Netflix and Spotify, anytime I want I can nostalgically reunite with Doug Funny or Seal. Other cherished elements of my early years, however-- like the foods and drinks I lived on-- exist only in memory. My distant, fading, shadowy memory. Sad face.

My Nostalgia Foods
If you track down any of #1, I will give you anything for it.

These five foods and drinks don't necessarily make the list because of their quality or taste. For some, yes, they were awesome. But for others, as you'll see, it's more about the niche they filled in our lives. Well, with that out of the way:



5. Dunkaroos

Think about this product: cookies you dunked in frosting. That's a straight-up dessert. Yet these gems somehow passed themselves off as snack foods and got put in kids' lunches. That kid was blessed, was the envy of the class, and for some reason was never me. I know it's weird, but I mainly miss this food because of the awesome jealousy it inspired in all of us. (This is technically still available, but not nearly as widespread as it once was.)


4. Surge

Okay, let's be honest for a second. Surge was more or less toxic sludge. It glowed an eerie green. It tasted slightly worse than most lemon-lime beverages. But the mythology!! Maybe it was the bright green can. Maybe it was the false rumors of near-dangerous caffeine levels. Whatever the reason, we thought Surge gave us magical powers of energy, speed, and alertness. And for that, I miss it a lot.


3. Crystal Pepsi

Crystal Pepsi was the product of a simple, brilliant idea: to make a colorless cola. The product failed miserably, presumably because our taste buds had been trained to expect Sprite or 7-Up when we brought a clear soda to our lips. But the effect of this swift failure is what makes me look back so fondly-- by '95 or '96, Crystal Pepsi was already 'a thing of the past', inspiring nostalgic, knowing expressions on our wise 10-year-old faces.


2. Rice Krispie Treats cereal

I hope, Reader, that you had a chance to eat this marvelous cereal. If you didn't, then you sadly can't imagine how delicious it is. You might be thinking, "I've had Rice Krispies cereal, and I've had Rice Krispies treats, so I can put 2 and 2 together." But that's so miserably wrong. That's like thinking that since you've had an apple and a graham cracker, you can imagine the taste of apple pie. Or that since you've had a lemon and worn a Band-Aid, you can imagine the refreshment of lemonade. But on the bright side, it may not be too late!! Some online forums claim this treasure is still available in certain eastern Pennsylvania grocery stores. 


1. Tropical Sprite Remix

This technically wasn't a 90s drink, as its near-miraculous inception came in 2003. But I can't make a list of amazing bygone food products without paying homage to TSR. This was commonly referred to as "liquid Skittles", as it was basically just Sprite with strong fruit (read: Skittles) flavor added. The funny thing is that I don't like Skittles. In fact, I don't even like Sprite very much. But something about this drink was heavenly. So much so that my friend Zach and I called it "the sweet nectar of life". We were goofy 18-year-olds. [And now, still calling it that, I guess we're goofy 28-year-olds.]



What were your favorite 90s food and drinks?

Were you ever sad when a food product was discontinued?

The Ice Cream Cup Heresy

Friends,

My grandfather was an awesome man. (Come to think of it, both my grandfathers were cool guys; but at the moment I'm speaking of my mom's dad.)  He taught so many things to my mom that she's passed on to me.  Someday, when I'm in a more serious mood, maybe I'll share with you some of these great and wise life lessons.

But for now, we turn to one specific (and vitally important) piece of his legacy: the love of ice cream.

Grandpap had three passionate loves: God, people, and ice cream.  You might think that loving ice cream is common and thus trivial; I assure you, his was an uncanny zeal.  On a spectrum of bowl sizes, his ice cream bowl would be somewhere between a cereal bowl and one of those huge crystal punch bowls.  And probably closer to the punch bowl.

He not only enjoyed ice cream often and in large quantities, but he also employed a method that has been passed down to me and which I've maintained with fierce and joyful regularity.  That is, he would always put milk in his ice cream and enjoy it in a near-milkshake consistency.

And so, I don't just like ice cream.  It's not just a delicious treat or a dessert option.  It is something bordering on the sacrosanct [SAT word alert].  Thus, the cry I raise today is not a light one.


I scream, you scream...
"WAIT, WHAT IS THIS CRAP?"

I'm glad that people can enjoy ice cream in many forms-- milkshakes, sundaes, parfaits, cones, etc., all have their place in this world.  Even mass-produced items like Drumsticks are good; sure, they sacrifice a little quality, but they put ice cream in the hands of the masses, and for that I'm thankful.

But certain lines should never be crossed.  When ice cream becomes profaned to the point of not being good for the sake of distribution or cost-effectiveness, something inside me dies.  I'm speaking, of course, of the pre-packaged ice cream cup with wooden spoon.  I'm sorry to subject you to this, but for the sake of clarity, here are some pictures:

Mmm, enjoy all 3 ounces.

Now featuring our patented Splinter Spoon™

There are three main reasons this anathema needs to be removed from the planet:


1. The amount of ice cream

"You know what I could really go for?  Three bites of ice cream!" -no one, ever


2. The taste of the ice cream

Ice cream from these things is consistently the most boring and fake-tasting ice cream in the world.


3. The wooden "spoon"

The design is incredibly stupid (see below) and the taste of wood isn't as good with ice cream as you'd... um..



The completely flat design makes retrieving ice cream impossible.
The symmetric shape is merely perplexing.

Join the revolution!
To be clear, it's a pretend revolution against an unsavory ice cream option


What's your favorite flavor or type of ice cream?

Have you been traumatized by these phony ice cream cups?

Jon

Coke and Pepsi

Friends,

For as long as I can remember, I've liked Coke more than Pepsi.  In addition, I've liked Cherry Coke more than "Wild" Cherry Pepsi, Vanilla Coke more than Pepsi Vanilla, and, most important to my life recently, Coke Zero more than Pepsi Max. [Note: I cannot and will not compare Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi, because they both taste so awful to me.]

I could just leave it at that and call it a day.  But, as per a strange part of the human condition, I'm not satisfied merely stating my opinion; I want to prove it to be objectively true, whether by science, mathematics, or somehow getting every human being to adopt the same opinion.

And so, I hereby plant my flag that in every way, Coke is better than Pepsi.


Coke vs. Pepsi: the definitive comparison
If the chart I threw together on Microsoft Paint doesn't convince you, nothing will

Growing up, I appreciated not only the taste of Coke products, but the perceived creativity and trail-blazing of the whole Coke product line.  Seriously, when I was a teen, I seemed to notice that Coke would release a product, then Pepsi would soon roll out a rival version of that same product.  This happened often enough that I began to view Coca-Cola as a visionary and brilliant company and Pepsi-Cola as a reactionary, copycat group of hacks.

Recently, as I pondered the superiority of Coke, I wondered if this pattern were real or just the illusory perception of a guy who cares too much about cola.  So, I went to the one source that we all know to be unfailingly true (not to mention an old friend of this blog)-- Wikipedia.

Here are my findings:

[Note: It may seem unfair for me to credit Coke with the victory in diet colas based on TaB. The Diet Pepsi Wikipedia page clearly doesn't.  But I think it makes perfect sense, as the existence and early popularity of TaB -- a Coca-Cola product -- appears to be the sole reason that Diet Coke wasn't produced until the 80s.]



Obviously, a clear and decisive victory for the guys in red.  But you might be wondering if I've played some sort of statistics/chart trick on you.  Maybe I've only included those products that would favor Coke?

But alas, if you look at the column on the left, you'll see I've selected the major cola developments.  Sure, I could have thrown in crazy stuff like Pepsi Clear or Coca-Cola BlaK, but those didn't last and thus don't represent successful steps forward.  The one important type absent from the chart is the "alternative recipe zero-calorie version marketed specifically to males", i.e. Coke Zero and Pepsi Max.  This was just way too difficult to sort out, as Zero predates Max, but Pepsi used to have a completely different ginseng-infused product called "Diet Pepsi Max" and also Pepsi One, which, while featuring different sweeteners and no male-specific marketing, was an alternative diet drink.

So, in the most important areas of cola innovation, Coca-Cola has five times led the way, to Pepsi's one.  But look at it this way, Pepsi fans-- you guys pioneered caffeine-free cola! You know, that drink that's perfect for when you want a non-alcoholic calorie-rich carbonated beverage but still want to be able to fall asleep soon.

Rock-and-roller Cola Wars

To quote Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire"

Everyone please chime in:

Do you drink pop? ("Soda", for those of you who grew up with a bleak and miserable childhood.)

If so, what's your cola of choice?

Jon



Bachelor Food, May 2011: Peanut Butter and Jelly

Due to the popularity of the other monthly feature (grammar tips) and the even greater popularity of the cooking blog genre, here's where we are.  A monthly cooking installment from someone who doesn't know how to cook anything.


How to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Just kidding.  Sort of.  I know that if you can operate a computer/smartphone and read this blog, you can prepare a PB&J.  But, because I've made many more of them than you, I've learned some tricks of the trade that you may want to know.  And so, this won't be a how-to, but a revelation of 2 important tricks in the peanut butter and jelly process.

1. Squeeze jelly

This isn't a joke.  Tip #1 is to go buy jelly that comes in a squeeze dispenser instead of a jar.  Here's why:

1. When you use jarred jelly, you face a strange knife dilemma.  Can you use the same knife for your PB and your J?  If so, how much work will it take to thoroughly remove the extra peanut butter from the knife?  If not, can you sleep at night knowing you dirtied two knives for the simplest food known to single man?
2. Jelly is unwieldy!!  It's easy enough to spread with a knife, but the transfer from jar to bread is nearly impossible.
3. Plastic containers are just safer and less risky than heavy glass jars.

I almost can't overstate this.  Squeeze jelly.

#2. The bread flip

It took me years to discipline myself enough to regularly execute this crucial step.  Let me explain:

First, notice that a piece of bread is rarely actually symmetric, as seen in this near photograph quality rendering:

Now, the typical guy move is to grap two consecutive pieces of bread together in one movement, and just slide one next to the other (without flipping one of the pieces), as so:

The problem, as you've probably already deduced, with this initital set-up is that now, when the spreads are added...

...there is no way to combine the pieces perfectly.  Thus there will be overhang on both sides of the sandwich, threatening to deposit either of the spreads onto fingers, shirts, or beards.  Had a flip of one piece of bread been orchestrated right out of the bag, you can see that we would have ideal sandwich conditions:

Just put those bad boys together!  Mmmmmm!!


Contribute, even though you're 29 culinary levels ahead of me

What 4th-grade-friendly food tips would you like to see?  Cereal?  Bagels?

Do you have any thoughts on the two genius tips above?

Jon