Hard lessons on singleness

Friends,

Happy February 15.  Across the country, flowers are quickly withering and floors are strewn with empty chocolate boxes.  Many single people are breathing a collective sigh of relief, and many others are trying to ignore the impending feelings of how ephemeral romance is.

In light of this, I wanted to blog about romance.  I've already given a supposed manifesto (pep talk) on being single, a vehement rant about inconsiderate online rejection, and my airtight case for the impossibility of male-female friendship.  These are all my main talking points when it comes to romance, or at least the phase of it I'm in now (prolonged singleness).

Well, all my main talking points except for the one that's too personal and requires too much honesty -- why being (seemingly always) single sucks and how I deal with it.

The main reasons I've never given this area a Tangent are:

A. I want this blog to be funny.  Wrestling with singleness isn't funny.
B. I want this blog to be about things that have little or nothing to do with me.  I want a random person to be able to come here and have a thought-provoking read and some laughs without necessarily knowing me or liking me in real life.
C. Those rare times when I touch on my personal life, I want it to be something like a rap video, not a heartfelt issue that seems to beg for pity or commiseration.

And yet, in the event that some of you had a tough time this Valentine's Day, maybe my experience and lessons can be an encouragement.  [If not, hey, you would have just spent this 15 minutes scanning facebook or twitter anyway, right?]


What I've learned about being single
In addition to "it sucks"

A few months back, my singleness hit me like a ton of bricks.  I had been doing okay with it, even enjoying it at times, but you know how it is (unless you're one of those people who's always in a relationship or who got married when you were 21): more friends get engaged and married, more girls reject me, more rain and snow pour down on this dreary city...

Then God mercifully brought me to the point of such aggravation that I just had to turn off my activities and take a night to be with Him and listen to Him.  I pulled out my journal and my Bible and said, "Teach me whatever I need to learn. Say whatever I need to hear.  I need You to help me."

What followed in the next few hours has shaped my outlook on -- and my day-to-day struggle with -- this "season of life God has me in."  God showed me things in my heart and mind that were crippling my ability to follow Him or to have any measure of contentment with my life. 

These lessons were so significant to me that, hey, why not share them with a bunch of people online?  I'm not sure of the best way to organize these thoughts.  Sorry if I've failed to do so optimally.  Here's the gist of what I wrote down last November:

1. I feel lonely. Why?
Ultimately, because I don't experience God's love.  Something in me fails to connect with Him emotionally or refuses to believe that He really does love me.  Because I'm not receiving this love that I so deeply need, I want desperately to receive it from a woman.

Response: believe God loves me, spend time with Him, cling to the truth of Eph 2:4 and Zeph 3:17, pray when I struggle to believe these things

2. How has this loneliness been affecting my faith?
Among other things, it has caused me to be bitter toward God.  How could I possibly feel this way?  Well, I think lurking somewhere below the surface of my faith is the ridiculous notion that if I follow Christ, I'm ENTITLED to receive whatever blessings I want.  "If I want a wife, then as long as I'm following Christ, I deserve to have one promptly."  When this ugly, miles-from-realistic expectation isn't met, bitterness ensues.

Response: focus on trusting His goodness and wisdom, pray for patience, be willing to forsake everything to follow Him

3. How have I been viewing myself?
Somehow I've tied my self-worth to my desirability to women.  This is pretty much nothing but a complete lie spoon-fed to me by pop culture.  The reality of my worth flows entirely from what God thinks of me, not what I've done or what any person thinks of me.

Response: be vulnerable with others about this, cling to the truth of Eph 1:4-14 and Heb 7:25, be thankful for God's many blessings


In the months since, this has crystallized to a very simple regimen:
1. Believe that God loves me
2. Trust His plan more than mine
3. Pray for patience

Anytime I feel sad or lonely or sense any bitterness, I try to "check myself" right away with those three steps.  If I need a more thorough spiritual treatment, I go to some of the more detailed thoughts or responses above.


Thanks for reading!
If anyone made it this far

Well, there it is.  Maybe none of you struggles with singleness the way I do.  In fact, I sincerely hope that none of you does.  But, for the sake of not wasting your time, if you didn't find this helpful, I hope you at least found it interesting.

If you're willing to join me in some vulnerability, I'd love to hear what some of your fears or lies are in romance and how you deal with them.  If you'd rather not, I understand.  I'll come back soon with something silly and fun.

Jon

All I do is FAIL

There are probably a lot of funny stereotypes about old people.  I'm not too familiar with them, except for those used in the ongoing trash talk war between a 27-year-old and a fifty-something in my yearly fantasy football league.  There are always a lot of colorful remarks about Geritol.

But a seemingly universal activity of the elderly is pointing out the one glaring flaw of today's youth.  If you know old people, you've probably heard some of them start a rant with, "The problem with young people today is..."

Yet, young people -- like all people -- have a lot more than just one problem.  You know what they say (believe it or not, by "they" I mean "rappers", and the phrase I'm looking for is "mo' money, mo' problems".)  Each generation, like each person, features a complex web of strengths, weaknesses, dilemmas, and dreams.

That being said...


The problem with young people today

The fear of failure.  This might not seem like our prevailing blind spot, but the more I learn about life and myself, the more I realize this is a huge problem (at least with me).  Whether it's a career decision, a romantic endeavor, a step of faith in ministry, or pretty much anything else that requires initiative and action, the fear of failure can assault us every step of the way.

To make this clear, let's take a look at the effects of this Achilles' heel before, during, and after some endeavor that requires faith, trust, or boldness:

Before the thing happens (or doesn't)
As I'm contemplating whether or not to ask out a girl, or initiate a spiritual conversation, or (in my line of work) travel to a new college to attempt to launch a new movement of Christian students, etc., this fear is at its strongest.  Because in this phase of the process, the fear of failure can be paralyzing.  We can end up not taking the action we should.

Because of the attached emotion (the fear that grips us and puts butterflies in our stomachs [butterflies that feel more like bats or pterodactyls]), we are ready to believe the lie that failure would be worse than inactivity. 

We imagine that the girl saying no would be worse than keeping our feelings locked up, watching her marry someone else, and wondering what might have happened.  That the person saying he'd rather not talk about God would somehow be worse than his continuing on in his present state of seeking, questioning, doubting, and hurting.  That a group of Christians failing to come together or fizzling out would be worse than a school definitely continuing to have no community available to those students who want to grow in their faith.

Once you overcome fear of failure in this phase, it loses a lot of its power.  So the rest will be briefer:

During the activity
If you're still afraid to fail while you're going for whatever gusto is at hand, that fear may pile up a crushing amount of pressure.  If you see "failure" as unacceptable or scary, then you'll act/work/perform/talk in a way that will come across as stressed, fearful, and thus probably ineffective.

After it's all said and done
If you've managed to overcome the initial fear and have worked through the pressure but this fear is still holding you captive, there will be a bunch of words that start with 'd' waiting for you in the event of failure.  Disappointment. Dejection.  Depression.  Doom. (Too much?)

I think the reason for this is pretty obvious.  If we've made Failure out to be a horrifying possibility in our minds, and then it happens, we don't just have to deal with what actually happened, but with the Ghost of Failure Future that we dreamed up.  And all its minions -- guilt, embarrassment, self-loathing, etc.


The solution -- the freedom to fail

This may seem oversimplified, but I know in my own life (to a small degree; I'm still learning this), a small but resolute change in perspective can make all the difference.  This simple change is to embrace the freedom to fail.

Each time a venture is on the horizon, just embrace the possibility that the worst-case scenario might happen.  The reality, which we then have to try to believe in our minds and hearts, is that this scenario isn't that bad at all.  It's only our fear that makes it bad.  And in almost any of these situations, doing nothing would be worse.

Then, in all three phases, fear loses its power.  We can take action, do it with confidence, and be totally okay with ourselves in the event that it doesn't work out.


How about you?

Are you ever trapped by the fear of failure?

Any funny or illuminating stories about fear, pressure, or self-condemnation?


                                                       Jon