My grandfather was an awesome man. (Come to think of it, both my grandfathers were cool guys; but at the moment I'm speaking of my mom's dad.) He taught so many things to my mom that she's passed on to me. Someday, when I'm in a more serious mood, maybe I'll share with you some of these great and wise life lessons.
But for now, we turn to one specific (and vitally important) piece of his legacy: the love of ice cream.
Grandpap had three passionate loves: God, people, and ice cream. You might think that loving ice cream is common and thus trivial; I assure you, his was an uncanny zeal. On a spectrum of bowl sizes, his ice cream bowl would be somewhere between a cereal bowl and one of those huge crystal punch bowls. And probably closer to the punch bowl.
He not only enjoyed ice cream often and in large quantities, but he also employed a method that has been passed down to me and which I've maintained with fierce and joyful regularity. That is, he would always put milk in his ice cream and enjoy it in a near-milkshake consistency.
And so, I don't just like ice cream. It's not just a delicious treat or a dessert option. It is something bordering on the sacrosanct [SAT word alert]. Thus, the cry I raise today is not a light one.
I scream, you scream...
"WAIT, WHAT IS THIS CRAP?"
I'm glad that people can enjoy ice cream in many forms-- milkshakes, sundaes, parfaits, cones, etc., all have their place in this world. Even mass-produced items like Drumsticks are good; sure, they sacrifice a little quality, but they put ice cream in the hands of the masses, and for that I'm thankful.
But certain lines should never be crossed. When ice cream becomes profaned to the point of not being good for the sake of distribution or cost-effectiveness, something inside me dies. I'm speaking, of course, of the pre-packaged ice cream cup with wooden spoon. I'm sorry to subject you to this, but for the sake of clarity, here are some pictures:
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| Mmm, enjoy all 3 ounces. |
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| Now featuring our patented Splinter Spoon™ |
There are three main reasons this anathema needs to be removed from the planet:
1. The amount of ice cream
"You know what I could really go for? Three bites of ice cream!" -no one, ever
2. The taste of the ice cream
Ice cream from these things is consistently the most boring and fake-tasting ice cream in the world.
3. The wooden "spoon"
The design is incredibly stupid (see below) and the taste of wood isn't as good with ice cream as you'd... um..
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| The completely flat design makes retrieving ice cream impossible. The symmetric shape is merely perplexing. |
Join the revolution!
To be clear, it's a pretend revolution against an unsavory ice cream option
What's your favorite flavor or type of ice cream?
Have you been traumatized by these phony ice cream cups?
Jon
Shun! Shun the non-ice cream!
ReplyDeleteIn terms of pre-packaged, artificially flavored, dairy substitute, frozen deserts, I believe there are only two truly good ones - the traditional, rectangular ice cream sandwich and the orange push-pop (preferably in a Flintstones tube). The rest are merely acceptable methods of continuing to spread the joy that is ice cream.
But this, this is and always has been an atrocity.
1. You're wrong.
ReplyDelete2. See #1.
3. Haagen-Dazs makes the three-ounce serving cups about which you are erroneously pontificating, and because Haagen-Dazs is the best (which is corroborated by like...everyone (just ask them)), you cannot be correct in your "no one, ever" assertion. I am one. And this one would choose 3 ounces of Haagen-Dazs over 15-kabillion ounces of something else, every day and twice on Sundays. Boom.
4. Yes, I googled the correct spelling of Haagen-Dazs.
5. Nevermind. Just see #1 again.
Amen.
ReplyDeleteAs a fierce ice cream supporter, I applaud this.
There is perhaps, one exception. Sometimes people brought these in for a birthday snack in elementary school. Was it the best option? No. Was it awesome to be eating dessert in the middle of a boring school day? Yes. No matter how artificial that dessert was.
Sometimes, when ice cream is involved, you have to throw your integrity and everything you know to be good and right out the window.
I LOVE THOSE ICE CREAM CUPS. so. much. They remind me of getting out of class in elementary school for ice cream parties. And the chocolate/vanilla ones really don't taste that bad. AAAAND the wooden spoons are actually kind of fun. Just sayin.
ReplyDeleteMy grandfather was also a genuine ice cream lover. He had a huge ceramic bowl that said dad's ice cream bowl on the side, that I now use as a mixing bowl. Instead of milk, he would put half a jar of creamy Jiff (and only Jiff) peanut butter in with his ice cream.
ReplyDeleteStarbucks and Ben and Jerrys have a small cup version. The ice cream is the same quality as it is in the other packaging options, but the plastic spoon is still woefully ill designed.
Jon, great post. I couldn't agree more that those little cups are:
ReplyDeletea. flavorless
b. too small
c. awful to eat with a mini tongue depressor
d. a+c=bad taste in mouth
I too come from a great heritage of ice cream lovers and I have to say I'm ashamed to share the initials of poster "ab". Sacrificing quantity for 3oz of so called quality?? Insanity. Give me a heaping bowl of generic vanilla, hershey's syrup, almonds and pretzel sticks over a puny little ice cream cup any day.
I love ice cream.
Is it weird that I kinda loved that additional wood taste? Probably. However, I would agree with everything else.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, Jon. This is an abomination. When I eat icecream, I want to EAT icecream. Not merely taste it. Also, wood + icecream = not a desirable taste in the slightest. I think other packaged icecreams are fine. For example, popsicles and pints of icecream. Icecream should be enjoyed not tasted.
ReplyDelete