As you know, there are two things I literally beg for on this site-- comments and ideas for future posts. I incentivize comments by devoting an entire page to the people who comment most on the blog. But my only reward for topic ideas is that when I blog about your idea, I'll give you credit for it. And if "credit" on a not-famous blog doesn't motivate people, I don't know what does.
So here are three short and funny ideas my friend Bob has given me...
Bob's Top 3 Rants
If you know him, please don't use these to torture him.
1. People who eat only M&Ms out of public trail mix
This is, at its heart, a matter of being considerate of others and their feelings and needs. The whole point of trail mix, I'm told, is the combining of sweet and salty (though I don't know why you'd mess around with trail mix when chocolate-covered pretzels exist). If you go ahead and eat all the sweet out of the mix, you're leaving behind a salt-only mixture, also called "Chex mix". If the person who put out the trail mix had wanted Chex mix... you see what I'm saying.
To put it another way, this is like a less weird version of someone saying, "Let's share these chips & salsa," then someone drinking all the salsa.
2. The pseudo-courteous door-hold
You know what this is. You're still, like, 30 feet away from the door in question. Someone up ahead has decided to hold it for you for some reason. But because you're so far away, they become impatient and try to scoot further into the building while still marginally holding the door. When you finally arrive, they use nonverbals to make you feel guilty for taking your sweet time. Hey man, I didn't ask you to hold that door.
3. The 1.5-person public restroom
Hopefully from the above blueprint, you can already understand why this sort of men's restroom is completely unacceptable. Totally unnecessary risk, awkwardness, and confusion. I'm not sure if there's an analog for this in the world of women's restrooms, because, ever since we were kids, girls' bathrooms have been uncharted lands of mystery, intrigue, and speculated luxury and cleanliness.
Join Bob on his tangent(s)
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that he's single, ladies
Have you experienced any of the above tragedies?
What rants would you like to have immortalized on this blog? (I need to rethink my understanding of immortality...)
Jon
I haven't personally experienced this type of men's restroom...so I can't comment on that one. I'm a little curious as to why this is awkward. Isn't still just a single person restroom? If there was NO lock on the door, then yes. This is just plain awful, but to me this seems super generous of the bathroom designer. You get to CHOOSE if you want to use the urinal or toilet! YAAAAAY!!!! But again, I'm not a frequent user of men's restrooms sooo...
ReplyDeleteDoor holds always seem awkward to me, but that's probably because I only experience them at work lately, and I'm still awkward around work people sometimes...
As for trail mix, YES I can totally agree with this one. But what is even more annoying is how the m&ms always sink to the bottom of the bag so even when I want to pair that oh-so-glorious-sweet with the mouth-watering-salty-goodness, I can't! LAME.
It's been a while, kmech!! Thanks for the awesome comment. To clarify on the bathroom thing-- there are two awkward kinds of men's public bathrooms. The one that haunts me is the type pictured above. For a disturbing description of how awkward that can be, read Nick's comment below. There's also a similar restroom that has a stall around the toilet and no lock on the restroom door. You might think the stall would make everything okay, but it's still a small bathroom with room for only two, and since it's public with no lock, guys cram in there and it gets weird.
DeleteThis particular bathroom design is rampant throughout the seedy underworld that is gas-station bathrooms, though I won't insult other semi-public restrooms by their omission (parks, Chuck'E'Cheese, some fast-food chains in old buildings (I feel like the Wendy's inside the old Ohio Valley Mall was like this too), any number of churches). Admittedly, we guys don't expect much from a restroom in the local Marathon station (is that still a thing?), but we do expect that it's clean enough not to attack us during use, and either a one-hole-er to exclude others from (including some form of a lock!), or a public restroom properly divided for efficient multi-patron use.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I have experienced the tragedy of sharing the 1.5 person bathroom. Nothing says, "no, it's quite alright and I'm rather comfortable with demonstrating the proper techniques in front of an audience" like using the urinal when a large, smelly trucker walks in like he owns the place and proceeds to employ the toilet to its fullest design. Stage fright takes a new meaning when it includes extraneous auditory AND olfactory input.
Though I'm a generally courteous door-user (anyone within 10 feet gets a hold, 15 feet gets a semi-hold-hard-double-push, and all old people and any parents laden with children within 20 feet), I won't hold the door for long. If you're just stepping onto the sidewalk from 35 feet away, I won't hold it because if I did, I should just stand there with it open all day. And then the place I'm trying to enter could pay me a paltry salary to dress up in a uniform, wear white gloves, help people with their packages, and give directions to nearby attractions. But it strikes me that this has already been a thing...
Also, just buy M&M's and skip the Chex mix. Cereal in a bowl is not a party snack. But then, neither are M&M's, really.
The door hold is at its best when the person continues to try to walk forward. So the longer they hold the door, the more it closes. By the time you actually get there, they're inside and straining to give you about 2 inches of space to walk through.
ReplyDeleteTo add to the pseudo-courteous door holders, I'd have to say that the pseudo-courteous drivers can be just as bad. I can't tell you how many times I'm peacefully taking my time as a walk and a driver (when there's no other cars around so I could easily just wait till they pass) purposefully slows down therefore making me feel bad if I don't run across.
ReplyDeleteAlso, awkward bathroom moments are inevitable, so if they're going to happen, you might as well just enjoy them in a 1.5 person bathroom. What I like to do in those situations when I don't know if anyone else is in there, is walk in and immediately turn to the sink to wash my hands (If people are using the toilet(s)). Then I walk straight out as if that's all I wanted to do. If no one is in there then I win. I just hate that awkward moment when you're that guy waiting for the toilet. Like what are you going to look at in that time, the other people?
I have to agree with the pseudo-courteous car drivers and add that I hate when I give them the wave to drive through and they give me a wave to walk, at which point, no one knows what to do. I waved first, they should go first, but they never do.
DeleteMm.. yeah, I hear this driver thing. And I have a system.
DeleteFirst, I anticipate. Then, I totally avoid that awkward them-waving-me-waving thing by standing at least 5 feet back from the street, and fiddling with my iPod/cell/shoelaces/stretching exercises/ponytail, so as to say, "Hey Dude, I'm obviously not crossing, SO YOU SHOULD, as I am engaged in changing my song/texting my friend/avoiding an embarrassing fall/trying to appear that I know how to exercise properly/making my hair 'work-out cute'".
Believe it or not, this works.
That seems like a lot of unnecessary concentration with possible distracting results. I usually just stare in the opposite direction of the car (as if I'm checking cars coming both ways...even on one-way streets) so they can't expect me to see them waving.
DeleteI don't know if I fully understand the bathroom one. Maybe it's just because i'm a girl. But, don't you kinda need both? The urinal is for number 1 and the pot is for number 2, right? So aren't they both needed?
ReplyDeleteThe awkwardness is all about the presence or absence of a stall around the toilet and a lock on the main bathroom door. This can result in confusion over whether the bathroom is meant for 1 person or 2+ people. For some horrifying imagery, read Nicholas's comment above.
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