Friends,
Happy February 15. Across the country, flowers are quickly withering and floors are strewn with empty chocolate boxes. Many single people are breathing a collective sigh of relief, and many others are trying to ignore the impending feelings of how ephemeral romance is.
In light of this, I wanted to blog about romance. I've already given a supposed manifesto (pep talk) on being single, a vehement rant about inconsiderate online rejection, and my airtight case for the impossibility of male-female friendship. These are all my main talking points when it comes to romance, or at least the phase of it I'm in now (prolonged singleness).
Well, all my main talking points except for the one that's too personal and requires too much honesty -- why being (seemingly always) single sucks and how I deal with it.
The main reasons I've never given this area a Tangent are:
A. I want this blog to be funny. Wrestling with singleness isn't funny.
B. I want this blog to be about things that have little or nothing to do with me. I want a random person to be able to come here and have a thought-provoking read and some laughs without necessarily knowing me or liking me in real life.
C. Those rare times when I touch on my personal life, I want it to be something like a rap video, not a heartfelt issue that seems to beg for pity or commiseration.
And yet, in the event that some of you had a tough time this Valentine's Day, maybe my experience and lessons can be an encouragement. [If not, hey, you would have just spent this 15 minutes scanning facebook or twitter anyway, right?]
What I've learned about being single
In addition to "it sucks"
A few months back, my singleness hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been doing okay with it, even enjoying it at times, but you know how it is (unless you're one of those people who's always in a relationship or who got married when you were 21): more friends get engaged and married, more girls reject me, more rain and snow pour down on this dreary city...
Then God mercifully brought me to the point of such aggravation that I just had to turn off my activities and take a night to be with Him and listen to Him. I pulled out my journal and my Bible and said, "Teach me whatever I need to learn. Say whatever I need to hear. I need You to help me."
What followed in the next few hours has shaped my outlook on -- and my day-to-day struggle with -- this "season of life God has me in." God showed me things in my heart and mind that were crippling my ability to follow Him or to have any measure of contentment with my life.
These lessons were so significant to me that, hey, why not share them with a bunch of people online? I'm not sure of the best way to organize these thoughts. Sorry if I've failed to do so optimally. Here's the gist of what I wrote down last November:
1. I feel lonely. Why?
Ultimately, because I don't experience God's love. Something in me fails to connect with Him emotionally or refuses to believe that He really does love me. Because I'm not receiving this love that I so deeply need, I want desperately to receive it from a woman.
Response: believe God loves me, spend time with Him, cling to the truth of Eph 2:4 and Zeph 3:17, pray when I struggle to believe these things
2. How has this loneliness been affecting my faith?
Among other things, it has caused me to be bitter toward God. How could I possibly feel this way? Well, I think lurking somewhere below the surface of my faith is the ridiculous notion that if I follow Christ, I'm ENTITLED to receive whatever blessings I want. "If I want a wife, then as long as I'm following Christ, I deserve to have one promptly." When this ugly, miles-from-realistic expectation isn't met, bitterness ensues.
Response: focus on trusting His goodness and wisdom, pray for patience, be willing to forsake everything to follow Him
3. How have I been viewing myself?
Somehow I've tied my self-worth to my desirability to women. This is pretty much nothing but a complete lie spoon-fed to me by pop culture. The reality of my worth flows entirely from what God thinks of me, not what I've done or what any person thinks of me.
Response: be vulnerable with others about this, cling to the truth of Eph 1:4-14 and Heb 7:25, be thankful for God's many blessings
In the months since, this has crystallized to a very simple regimen:
1. Believe that God loves me
2. Trust His plan more than mine
3. Pray for patience
Anytime I feel sad or lonely or sense any bitterness, I try to "check myself" right away with those three steps. If I need a more thorough spiritual treatment, I go to some of the more detailed thoughts or responses above.
Thanks for reading!
If anyone made it this far
Well, there it is. Maybe none of you struggles with singleness the way I do. In fact, I sincerely hope that none of you does. But, for the sake of not wasting your time, if you didn't find this helpful, I hope you at least found it interesting.
If you're willing to join me in some vulnerability, I'd love to hear what some of your fears or lies are in romance and how you deal with them. If you'd rather not, I understand. I'll come back soon with something silly and fun.
Jon
Preamble
I'm not sure this will qualify as a manifesto. But ever since learning about "manifest destiny" in fifth grade, I've attempted to use "manifest" and all its variations as much as possible in conversation and writing.
Some of you may wonder why singleness would need a defense/justification/encouragement. Can't we all just be content with our lot in life, enjoying whatever season we're in and patiently waiting for whatever's next? No. If you're wondering that, I'm guessing you got married when you were 20-22 or have never come up to breathe between relationships. Patience and contentment are possible in theory, but when you're alone on a Friday night eating ice cream and watching a Golden Girls marathon, they seem just a little out of reach.
And so, it is with the memories of many nights spent watching Blanche and Rose, and with a strong desire to sleep peacefully at night, that I present to you the 5 Pillars of Singleness.
Pillar 1: Self-actualization
We each have so many passions. Maybe you're cool and want to make rock 'n roll music, or play in a sports league, or learn to dance or cook. Maybe you're less cool and want to analyze Lord of the Rings, or study beekeeping, or master a dice-rolling baseball board game. There are things out there that you love -- some of them that you've never tried. The time you have being single (that you wouldn't have if you were married or in a "serious relationship") is calling out to be used for these things.
But that time has even better uses possible than interests and hobbies. There are deep, important questions to answer about why you're here on Earth and what will make your life meaningful to you. There is no time like... single time?... to investigate, answer, and pursue these mysteries.
For instance, one of the hallmarks of my life is a desire to bring honor to God. I figured this out in the context of personal study and prayer, not on a date with a woman. And what style of life best lends itself to bringing God honor? In general, it's a lifestyle of singleness; as the apostle Paul said, "One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but the one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided."
The above principle obviously doesn't just apply to my particular bent toward pleasing God; once you've found a mission, goal, or calling that brings your life meaning, being single lends a single-mindedness to your efforts in that area.
Pillar 2: Availability to others
Here is a grand mystery -- most of my friends are married/engaged/etc. (e.g. my closest 9 guy friends of the last 7 years of my life are ALL in this broad category), and yet I spend time socially much more with the few single friends I have.
But it's not really that mysterious. When you're serious with someone, you spend a serious amount of time with shim (I refuse to say "them" or "him or her"). When you're not, you have a serious amount of time to spend with whomever. It's strange that "serious" can mean "considerable in consequence", as in its uses above, in addition to "without humor," which sadly is probably true of this paragraph.
Pillar 3: Finding real self-value
One of the reasons we pine for romantic relationships, I think, is that while in them we feel more valuable. And of course we do, because the person values us and goes to lengths to express that.
And yet, I'm pretty sure our worth is entirely God-given (if you prefer, read: intrinsic). But we're so messed up that we sometimes require feeling valued in order to believe that we have value. If you've ever fallen into this rut, then stretches of datelessness can be rough because you feel pretty worthless.
But singleness is the only real context in which you can remedy this correctly. When you're in a relationship, the lightbulb of your true worth (apart from any other person's opinion) is probably not going to go off for the first time.
Pillar 4: Struggle is good
The difficult times shape who we are. They bring resolve, perseverance, and maturity. So, stretches of loneliness and relationship envy -- when fought through with faith, hope, and love -- make us better people.
Pillar 5: Setting the stage for a good Decision
I think I wrote about this in my old Xanga days. My position hasn't changed much. When the time comes to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with a specific person, I think you want to enter into that decision with wisdom and experience. Part of that experience will be past relationships and what you learned from them (what you want in a spouse, what you don't want, how you relate to different types of people). Part of it will be what you've learned about yourself.
My experience has been that I learn the most about myself when I'm single... when I'm single I spend more time with myself.
Plus, if you're single now, that means you'll make that Decision when you're older than you are now. Odds are that Future You will be wiser and a better decision-maker than You are.
Epilogue
"And this is not to say
there never comes a day
I'll take my chances and start again.
And when I look behind
on all my younger times,
I'll have to thank the wrongs
that led me to a love so strong."
--John Mayer, from "Perfectly Lonely"
Keep fighting, singletons.
Jon
