Super Bowl 2014: A Guide for the Football-Illiterate

Friends,

Wow, it's been a while since I've given you a Tangent. I'm sorry. During my hiatus, I hope you enjoyed my friend Jeromie's guest post on semicolons. As usual, I have an excuse for my delay; I've been writing a ton for my new devotional blog, the link to which is on the bar above ("The Bible Tangents").

In the past, I've given you a few guides. A dude's guide to chick flicks. A bachelor's guide to home decorating. The (intended) charm of these posts was that I was providing guides on topics I know nothing about, largely to people who probably know a lot more about them.

This guide is different. I know a lot about pro football. And for many of my readers (really trying not to genderalize here), pro football is a mysterious or uninteresting subject. Why, then, would these readers care for a cheat sheet?

Two words: Super Bowl.

Pretty much everyone watches the Super Bowl. Whether it's for the football, the commercials, or the buffalo chicken dip, almost everyone I know tunes in.

Wouldn't it be cool, those of you who aren't football-savvy, to wow your friends with some keen insights and inside football jokes at this year's big party? I hope you just fist-pumped and cried, "Yeah!", because wowing is exactly what I'm going to help you do.

I'm not going to go into tons of details, because here's the deal-- you don't even have to understand these things. Just memorize them, word for word (they're easy), and say them at the right time. Memorize, say. 

Leave the rest to me.

Cheat Sheet for Super Bowl XLVIII
First idea: comment on how long that Roman numeral is

1. "Beast mode (on the field)"
I didn't save the best for last. I gave it to you right out of the gate. Rookie mistake, maybe, but I really want you to use this one. When Seattle (blue/green/teal team) running back (guy who runs with the ball) Marshawn Lynch (will probably have dreads coming out the back of his helmet) does something good, just say "Beast mode!", or if you want to go all out, "Beast mode on the field!" This should impress everyone, because it hearkens back to an amazing interview:

2. Peyton's charity
This is all over the news, but hey, some people steer clear of anything football-related. If that's you, I'll fill you in: whenever Peyton Manning (Denver quarterback) yells "Omaha!" before a play, which he does often, a donation is made to the Peyback Foundation. This won't be super impressive to show off, but you could be creative and/or subtle. I suggest responding to an "Omaha!" with a gentle smile and, "Bless his heart."

3. Denver's shaky defense
Just memorize the fact that Denver has a shaky defense. Is it true? I don't know; I'm too lazy to look up stats right now. But I think it's certainly a reasonable claim. If you point this out, it will stun your football friends. Here's what I recommend: wait until the Seahawks (blue/green/teal team) have a good passing or running play and then nod your head knowingly and observe, "Denver does have a pretty shaky D".

4. Sherman: man or monster?
There's a defensive player (doesn't usually touch the ball, just tackles people) for Seattle (still teal) named Richard Sherman (who will also, coincidentally, have dreads coming out the back of his helmet). You won't have trouble finding him, because the cameras will turn to him early and often. Why? Because he recently gave a rabid, bellowing, frothing post-game TV interview. You can use this to your advantage however you want, but I suggest something like, "Wonder if they'll give him a post-game interview?" 


And that will pretty much make you the star of the Super Bowl party.

For football fans: What other tips do you have for the non-fans?
For the non-fans: Please let me know if you try any of these!!

Jon

Guest Post: The Semicolon

(Today's post, and hopefully what kicks Tangent Space(s) back into high gear, is from my awesome friend Jeromie up in the Great White North. The link to his blog can be found at the end of the post.)

Semicolons; they stand united.
Photo Credit: ilovememphis via Compfight cc

Remember those basic standards tests we had to take back in high school? The ones you needed to pass in order to graduate? At our school we had to meet with our English teacher one-on-one before we could take the writing test.

As I sat down, she quickly assured me that I had nothing to worry about. In fact, she even challenged me to try a few new writing techniques just to spice things up a bit (that's when I knew for a fact teachers really don't read students' papers). Her exact words:

'You should try throwing in a semicolon or two; they're an easy way to bump up your score.'

I took her advice, and ended up scoring a 5 out of 4. You read that right - apparently the writing test people should spend more time with the math test people. I think it was supposed to be a scale of 1 to 4, then 4's were broken down and scaled from 4 to 7. Maybe to make the 2's and 3's not feel as bad as they would if it were 2 out of 7 or 3 out of 7? Who knows...

She had created a monster. I tend to use them everywhere now; not quite as often as the hyphen, but still more than any human should. And now I have an even bigger confession to make - I never actually took the time to learn how to properly use the semicolon!

If you know, please don't share. I'd much rather go on living in my own happy little world.

Instead of learning the rules, I decided to make my own little gradient for connecting phrases in my writing. It goes something like this:

And
Two phrases, one uninterrupted thought. 'She slapped him and walked furiously out the door.'  

Comma
Two phrases, one thought with a slight pause in the middle. 'Reaching the sidwalk, she paused and considered going back for her world-class record collection.'  

Hyphen
Two thoughts, closely connected. Often an effect-cause relationship. 'She decided to forget about them - they would remind her too much of him anyway.'  

Semicolon
Two thoughts that could stand on their own as two sentences. Implies slightly more intimacy than a period. Also implies the writer has a better-than-thou mentality. 'The brake lights disappeared into the distance; he was going to miss her something fierce.'  

So there you have it - my made up rules for writing.


Which grammar rules do you follow religiously? Which do you avoid like the plague? Are any of them rules that you made up yourself?

Jeromie Hamann

WisdomWonderBeauty