Texting the Wrong Person

Friends,

When I was young, a popular question to throw around in a social group setting was, "What's your most embarrassing story?" I've heard some real doozies, ranging from vocal failures to walking failures to bladder failures. (If you want to know mine, just ask-- but I'll warn you now, it literally involves an Asian massage parlor.)

But technology has evolved, and thus so has embarrassment. 'Communication' used to mean face-to-face talk, landline phones, or even written letters. Now we have Facebook, texting, and tweets (which could, I guess, be viewed as 140-character typed 'letters' to the whole world).

In short, there are so many new and exciting ways to make yourself feel like an idiot.

Text at your own risk
Side effects include blushing, apologies, isolation, tears, and unfulfilled pledges to never again use technology

As communication becomes more public, instantaneous, and permanent, mistakes become more costly. And perhaps no mistake is funnier (depending, of course, on whether or not you're part of the story) than the phone contact mix-up.

Here are a few categories of 'mistexts' and some possible solutions. When possible, I've included real stories, though in almost all cases I changed the names.


1. You're so vain, you probably think this text is about you. Oh wait, it is.

Yeah, pretty long title for a category of text. This is when you write a text about someone and accidentally send it to that person instead of the intended recipient. This is probably due to the fact that you typed the text before entering the recipient. Thus, the person's name is on your mind when you absently enter the (wrong) recipient.

Examples:
Joe -> Sally
"Dude, I have no idea how to break up with Sally... she's not going to take it well!"

Jane -> Bill
"When will Bill get the picture that I'm NOT INTERESTED in him?!"

Solution:
Always, always establish the recipient of the text before you type its content. Then, if there's anything remotely sensitive in the text, double-check the name before clicking Send.


2. Same name, different person

This texting faux pas exists because we live, just to take the good old U.S. of A. as an example, in a country of over 300 million people with only about 5,000 commonly used first names. [Fun fact: by a generalization of the pigeonhole principle, there must be at least one first name shared by over 60,000 people.]

Irrelevant counting arguments aside, we all know a bunch of Jo(h)ns and Sara(h)s. This makes it all too easy to text the wrong person.

Examples:
My ex-girlfriend's sister texting me [instead of some 'Jon'] excitedly that my ex just got engaged.

My (different) ex-girlfriend's mom calling me while trying to reach her daughter's new boyfriend [also named 'Jon'].

Yeah. Ouch.

Solution:
Use last names in your cell phone. It's so obvious.


3. Texts of Vice

I have no experience with either drunk texting or 'sexting'. But just imagine what happens when you combine alcohol or sex with error #1 or #2 above. That just cranks the awkwardness amp up to 11.

Examples:
Um, I'm pretty much going to let you use your imagination. But think of this-- even if you send this stuff to the right person, it's still probably going to be embarrassing someday. And unlike a regrettable memory, which fades with time, texts are basically around forever.

Solution:
Stop it.



Leave a comment
but don't text it

Have you been on either end of an awkward texting error?

Do you have any good texting tales?

What's your most embarrassing story?

Jon

Point/Counterpoint: traffic merging

Friends (soon-to-be enemies?),

There are obviously a lot of contentious situations and passionate opinions in the world of traffic. Today we talk about one that might top them all: the appropriateness of the 'late merge' (or as it's called on angry internet forums --I really found some-- the 'selfish merge').

You may not recognize the scenario from those phrases alone. I refer to the situation in which, on a highway, road work has caused a lane to close. For the sake of simplicity, picture two lanes being reduced to one lane. A sign reads "Right lane closed in 1.5 miles". Many drivers, motivated by some bizarre reflex to respond to things instantaneously, immediately get over to the left lane. Soon everyone has done this and the left lane is bumper-to-bumper while the right lane is wide open for 1.5 miles.

Some drivers, surely in the minority, see the wide open right lane and 'zoom up' to the merge point and try to 'butt in' to the line of standstill traffic. You might be mad just thinking about it. You may want to hurt that selfish, rude, inconsiderate driver. But here's the thing-- he's right. You're wrong.

The Biggest Misunderstanding in Driving
I think the biggest in pronunciation might be 'mischievous'

Dumb Person: Ugh!! I can't stand those worthless, pathetic, arrogant, ignorant, deplorable, abhorrent, loathsome, scum of the earth, ugly, poorly educated drivers who zoom up and try to merge in right at the merge point.

Me: I do that every single time. Without exception.

DP: Are you serious? Dude, that's low. I can't stand drivers like you.

Me: Drivers who merge at a merge point? Have you ever contemplated the phrase 'merge point'?

DP: No!! Don't even try to convince me! I will not budge on this! You're wrong and I hate you! Plus, don't act like a little word trickery changes the reality of the situation on the road.

Me: Ok, no more word trickery. But how about the fact that we are all supposed to use both lanes until the merge point?

DP: I'll believe that when I see a sign telling me.

Photo evidence:

DP: I've seen what you can do with Microsoft Paint. I'm not convinced that's an actual sign.

More photo evidence:

 



 

Me: These signs are used consistently at such road work sites all over Pennsylvania.

 

DP: Okay that looks vaguely familiar, but I almost never see them personally. When there's no such sign, how are people supposed to know that? It's not like announcements are made to the public to tell us.

 

Me: Well there was that one time that the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported that "PennDOT has issued an advisory urging motorists who approach restricted work zones to use all open lanes to the designated merge point." And I recall Jim Struzzi, spokesman for said Dept. of Transportation, stating that "failure to [use both lanes til the merge point] is already causing major challenges for motorists on I-79."

 

DP: They're wrong! What I'm doing would never make traffic worse.

 

Me: They're the department of transportation.

 

DP: More like wrongsportation.

 

Me: Good one. But the thing makes sense. Suppose there is a gridlock of traffic. If done properly at the merge point, let's suppose this would cause 2 miles of backed up traffic prior to the merge point. But if everyone hurries over to the one lane 1.5 miles early, then you have traffic backed up 3.5 miles before the road work. All you've done is back the process up earlier on the road. Why is this bad? Because there might be entrance ramps onto the interstate in those earliest 1.5 miles! This now creates another turn-taking point and backs the traffic up even more!

 

DP: Well this is all well and good theoretically. But I'm not talking about weighing the merits of reality against some imaginary best-case scenario in which everyone uses both lanes. I'm specifically talking about the real world, in which it's only you and a handful of other drivers zooming up. Stop doing it.

 

Me: I can't and I won't. Listen. There are signs posted saying to use both lanes. The local papers reported we should use both lanes. The Dept. of Transportation issued an advisory that we should use both lanes. Minnesota's same Dept. says that "research shows that [dangerous lane switching, serious crashes and road rage] decrease when motorists use both lanes."

 

DP: Are you seriously quoting new evidence during closing statements?

 

Me: Yes! When traffic signs, the paper, the DoT, and research all tell me to do something, I do it. I'm sorry you're not also doing it. If you and the other haters would join me, together we could reduce accidents, shorten traffic jams, and be happier.

 

DP: Don't confuse me with the facts. I have a closed mind.

 

 

Come with me if you want to live

Or at least get places faster

 

Are you ready to join me, zooming ahead in the open lane all the way to the merge point?

 

Where do you fall on this intense issue?

 

Has anyone just now seen the light of the late merge?

 

Jon

Guest post: Reality TV!

Friends,

Through some combination of work, laziness, not receiving enough comments on my last couple posts, and Netflix, I find myself again apologizing for a delay in my blogging. But my wonderful and talented girlfriend Ashley has come to the rescue with a guest post! I hope you enjoy! (But not so much that you actually watch any of the shows listed below.)


Ashley's Top Six Reality Shows
Note: these shows do not actually portray reality.

Here's something you're not ever going to see on Tangent Spaces without a guest post: Good recommendations for reality television! Because Jon watches mostly crap. [Editor's note: my favorite TV shows of all time include LOST, Arrested Development, Psych, Battlestar Galactica, Community, Freaks and Geeks, Heroes (season 1), How I Met Your Mother... you can decide for yourself if that's crap.]   Lucky for you, new friends, he's dating me. And here are some of the best reality television shows out there.

1. Breaking Amish 
This show combines everything I love. (Two things I love.) Religion, and reality TV. Five farm kids hit the mean streets of New York City (read: a comfortable hotel) to encounter their dreams. In the meantime, they encounter other things, like...light switches. Also see: skanky clothes, tattoos, and a whole lotta booze. Episode Five is particularly explosive when Rebecca is first blackmailed by, and then reveals, a dark secret! (Spoiler alert: She used to dress up "English" and go BOWLING. Gasp. Yawn.)

 

2. My Fair Wedding with David Tutera 

Um, hello. A fabulously-dressed gay man who swoops in and plans fantastical wedding celebrations with themes like "Glitter!" and "Swamp Wedding." Obviously, I am watching. This show really spins around two things: David's facial expressions, and the grade-A, crazy bride he's trying to help. Tell us, David, is a frog motif ever really appropriate at a wedding? No. Uh-uh. No. Just. Really. No. 

3. Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta

The accents, the sequins, the completely delusional belief that taffeta makes us look thinner! The show follows Lori Allen, owner of the massive, multi-floored boutique "Bridals by Lori," as she and her team ask the question, "So...is THIS your dress?!?" Then the girl gets all crazy and manic and tearful, and ends the episode whispering yes repeatedly. This show isn't really about the bride, though. It's about the crazy family. The sister who openly admits wanting a prettier dress than her sister bride. The mom and the mother-in-law shouting in the lobby. The Dad who thinks there's too much cleavage. The Dad who thinks there's too little cleavage...

4. Keeping up with the Kardashians

Ok, so this is hardly reality television. The day that the Kardashians live in the real world is the day that I wear a custom Vera Wang to my wedding. I mean, here's a group of ladies who make the Real Housewives of Orange County seem grounded, and sane. But this sometimes shocking and always flagrant obliviousness to reality--this is what MAKES the show. Nora Ephron (amazing now deceased romantic comedy writer/producer, think "When Harry met Sally" and "You've got Mail") once talked about how romantic comedies are intentionally a little shinier than real life-- the people are a little hotter, the clothes a little trendier, the places a little more fun--because that's what we want to see! That's escapism! And that's the "Keeping Up" world. So...do it, escape with me. As the sisters say, "Kardashians for Life!" 

5. Married to Jonas

I am not thirteen. I feel it necessary to preface these comments with that. But seriously, could Kevin Jonas have found a sweeter girl with whom to live life? Danielle Jonas is so fun, I might consider listening to her husband's music. And hey, let's be real--given that I already love Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, and One Direction, I would probably enjoy it. 

6. Duck Dynasty

This is the extremism of the Kardashians, in reverse. A group of hillbilly brothers wantonly flaunting their red necks with complete disregard for social conventions like proper English and baths. But they pray! At the end of every episode! It's so outrageously Christian, it might as well air on TBN. Yes, they are Christians, and thanks to the expensive duck calls they make, they are loaded, and if that's not enough for you--they are so seriously hillbilly you can't help but feel better about whatever whacked-out, back-water relatives you have. So the next time you walk up on your cousin Bubba roasting frog legs over a bonfire made of an old duck blind in the back yard, just know, it could be worse.


Other Mentions...

Hoarders

I agree. A dead cat is the best cat, and wow, so many dead cats!

Secretly Pregnant

Really? Not for long.

Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay/Restaurant Impossible with Robert Irvine

Seriously, why have they never brought these shows together? What's better than one famous British chef stomping around your kitchen, shouting, and spitting out your food? Two! Obvs.

Intervention

I believe this show is a legitimate use of my prayer and devotions time.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

I know, I know. But really--it's ripped from the headlines! And Olivia Benson is my hero.

What about you? Do you watch any of these shows? 

 

Or, like Jon, are there any you avoid like the plague? (Who thinks Jon should suck it up and watch Kardashians with me after I have major surgery?) 

 

Which shows did I miss?

 

--Ashley [and Jon]

 

 

[I'm not gonna lie, these dudes look awesome.]