It's funny to me how big a deal we make about Thanksgiving. I suppose a few perfectly timed factors help add to the excitement, e.g. the accumulation of rivalry and other important college football matchups, and the sense that once this holiday's out of the way, Christmas cheer and decorations can unashamedly run rampant in our lives.
But the main components of the celebration -- family, food, and being thankful -- can pretty much be staples of our lives if we want them to be. And while most of us will by necessity have our share of family and food whether we want them or not, I don't think gratitude made it onto Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
And so, I offer you a thanksgiving post, strategically timed the week after Thanksgiving. May this remind us that being thankful is a daily discipline, not an annual act. A continual conduct, not an autumn anomaly... and I'm gonna cut myself off there.
Things for which I'm thankful (in no meaningful order)
1. Beauty
I've been driving a lot lately. I don't like to drive alone, because I get fidgety. So, much to my mom's chagrin, I often call people while I'm on the road. But occasionally (when I happen to be driving at dusk or sundown), no phone call is needed because the beauty of the sky overtakes me. Now that I'm typing it out, this doesn't necessarily sound safe, being overtaken and all while I'm driving.
Anyway, two things up there really threaten to take my breath from me while I drive: sunsets and sunlight breaking through clouds. I'm always tempted to take a picture of these things when I see them, but A. I'm driving, and B. I don't have a camera. So here's a free stock photo I found online:
(The sky isn't the only thing I find beautiful, but in the interest of time...)
2. Truth
It's interesting that a person's field of work seems to weigh heavily on one's view of truth (what I really mean to say is epistemology, I think). Teachers tend to view truth as real and important, because their job is to teach true things to people. Artists, however, might view it in more relativistic terms, as the meaning and value of their own work might be different to different readers. Et cetera.
As a would-be mathematician, my view of truth was always absolute and certain. After all, I made it my job to understand and discover how quantities really work, in order to ultimately understand the physical reality around us. That's not to say that this view is unanimous among mathletes, but I think it's a pretty overwhelming majority. And now as a missionary... well, there may not be a more absolute truth oriented profession on the planet.
Anyway, I'm thankful that things are true. That we can discover real, reliable facts and properties about people, places, and things. That we can be wrong, and not have the eternal silver bullet of excuses, "I was just stating what is true to me." Two and two will never add to five, brah.
Because along with truth come meaning and purpose. Learning what's true and sharing it with others is important and satisfying.
3. International readership
Blogger tells me I've had readers from Italy, Bahrain, India, Greece, the UK, and a bunch of other countries. Thanks for stopping by! (I can only imagine how many mistakes led people here... people probably wanted to download When Harry Met Sally, which seems to appear in every entry I write.)
Who are you, mysterious faraway readers? I'll be even more thankful for you if you let me know who you are and how you got here. That's right, I'm bribing you with gratitude.
4. God, family, and friends
This is a blog of ideas, not a personal journal. So I'll leave number 4 at that. But I thought I'd mention them, since they are what I'm most thankful for.
What about you?
I'd love to hear what you're most thankful for right now, whether an "obvious" thing like family or something obscure like Shaun Suisham or your favorite memory.
Jon
Short answer: no.
Long answer: the rest of this post.
In 1989, when I was busy scoring goals in the wrong net for my indoor soccer team, a wonderful chick flick called When Harry Met Sally hit theaters. Years later, I would see the movie many times and marvel at its awesome dialogue.
In the film, Harry claims that "men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." Now, I'm assuming that many of my readers come from the same place as me culturally -- the Christian subculture -- so you can feel free to delete the sex part. With this edit in mind, I present to you my thesis:
Men and women can't be friends because the [physical attraction/desire to date] part always gets in the way.
Interestingly, just as Sally in the movie vehemently refutes Harry's claim, most women reject it when I make it. But I'm not as mean or daring as Harry, so the conversation never takes the same direction that it did in the film:
Harry: ...men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Bam! Harry tells it like it is, leaving tact back at the beginning of their road trip. But is he right? I say that he is, and for the same reason he ultimately gives -- the various types of attraction that make opposite-sex friendships appealing ultimately doom them.
Suppose John and Jane meet. What will inspire them to begin a romantic relationship? Mutual physical and personality (including values, interests) attraction. What will inspire them to begin a friendship? Mutual personality attraction. So, for a guy-girl platonic friendship, without a one-sided romantic pining to exist, we would need a man and woman who are attracted to each other's personality, but not their appearance.
What I'm basically saying is that this doesn't exist. Most people are attracted to a great host of people, so good luck finding a guy and girl pairing in which neither is physically attracted to the other. Even if you DID find this, there's the principle that "the more you get to know and appreciate someone's personality, the more physically attractive the person becomes to you." So, as a friendship deepens over time, romantic feelings inevitably develop (see When Harry Met Sally's plot).
Many unfortunate consequences
You might be thinking (especially if you're a woman) that this isn't true. You might even be thinking of examples of opposite-sex friendships from your own life. But let's return to Harry and Sally:
Harry: You only think you do [have men friends]... what I'm saying is, they all WANT to [have a romantic relationship with] you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
If nothing else, you have to admire the characters' advanced debate techniques.
This is the tragic part of the above thesis... let's call it the Cursed Corollary: in every meaningful man-woman friendship, at least one of the people has romantic feelings for the other.
The wheels are probably starting to turn in your mind... yeah, that guy you are really good friends with totally platonically? He likes you. That girl you're always getting coffee with? Admit it dude, you like her. (It IS usually the guy who likes the girl, too, fyi. We are just easily attracted, and you are very pretty.)
If any of you happens to be female and my friend... um.. please don't take this too much to heart.
Exceptions to every rule
I admit, there are some exceptions. We have only been talking about single people so far, because it's too complicated to talk about people who are in relationships with other people. So that could present some exceptions. But the major exceptions are what I'm going to call "wedges," things that have wedged themselves between two people romantically.
A revised thesis, then, would read: Men and women without a sufficient wedge between them can't be friends, because the [romantic attraction] part always gets in the way.
What would these wedges be? Anything that makes it abundantly clear to both parties that nothing romantic is going to happen between them. The best example I can think of is the wedge named Chris between me and my long-time friend Amanda. Chris and Amanda dated off-and-on for seven years, during which time Chris was my best friend.
Even in their "off" times, it was very clear to me and Amanda that nothing would ever happen between us because of Chris's role in my life. And, with that wedge firmly in place, we were able to have a fun, meaningful friendship during her stretches of singleness.
Other potential wedges: a vow of celibacy, a close blood relation, a huge age gap, a twisted social web of distrust/broken hearts/bitterness...
Let the comments fly
What do you think? Can men and women be friends?
Jon
