(Re)arranging marriage

Friends,

The summer blogging hiatus has sadly continued.  I think in a couple weeks I'll be in a normal schedule and regular tangents will resume.  But for now, I bring you a topic so outdated, so laughable, that I'm hoping it can generate some interesting conversation.

Yeah, I'm talking about arranged marriages

A friend of mine recently mused about something that has made me think a lot about ye olde arranged marriage.  He works for the same company that I do and, as a guy who's been married for about 20 years, has the ability to muse about such things aloud.  He said:

"If they had a marriage-arranging service at [the upcoming conference for the 5,000 employees who work for our missionary organization in the US], I wonder how many people would seriously consider it."

To my surprise, he got a far-off look in his eyes that indicated he actually was wondering about it.  He was making the unthinkable suggestion that not 1 or 2, but many of these missionaries would sign up for some sort of arranged marriage.  Taking ideas seriously is somewhat contagious, I think, because I started thinking... why is that so crazy?


Arranged marriage vs. American marriage

Another married friend of mine was on hand for that comment, and the reason he offered for the old system's success is that parents know their 18-year-olds better than the 18-year-olds know themselves.  It's an interesting thought, and I'm not sure what I make of it.  But it's not the argument I would make.

My main positive thought about arranged marriages is how the basis of the union is so much more unselfish than the basis of typical modern marriages.  When your marriage is arranged, your motivation for stepping into that commitment has to be family.  So, you sacrifice and you compromise and you do what you can to make it work.

But nowadays when we date and look for our soulmates (or whatever it is people do), what's our motivation?  As I look around at the people I know  (95% of whom are married or engaged) -- and when I look at myself in my own forays into romance -- I see people who are trying to be happy.  This seems normal and human, but think about entering a relationship with your own happiness as the ultimate goal!

Does this person's appearance please me?
Does this person's sense of humor make me laugh?
Does spending time with this person make me happy?
Et cetera.

Because this is the goal of dating and these questions are the criteria for success, it's no surprise what happens in half of American marriages.  When I don't feel happy anymore, the marriage is over.

Conclusion: if anything can be said for arranged marriages (and I'm not sure anything can), it's that the system naturally places commitment and family as the foundation of the relationship, whereas the default cultural foundation is one's own happiness.


Let the sparks fly. Or at the very least, someone please comment

Let me end by saying that I'm not actually pushing for a resurgence of arranged marriages.  I just wanted to provoke thought and conversation.

Thoughts?
Questions?
Stories?
Et cetera.

Jon

July 2011 Grammar Tip

Friends,
It's a new month.  After just 6 days, July 2011 is already replete with grammatical errors.  Everywhere you turn, there's a misused apostrophe or a dangling modifier.  But, as with most nationwide endemic problems, we can't win the war in a day.  And so, at the clip of one tip per month, Tangent Space(s) continues to do its part...

Using the correct pronoun

Few ideas seem as polarizing as "political correctness."  I won't go into that now.  I only bring it up because political correctness is in some sense the reason we use an incorrect pronoun when a subject's gender is unknown.

I'll give an example sentence, and take you on a historical journey of how people of different eras might have chosen their pronouns:

I think a person should try to befriend [possessive pronoun] neighbors.

1. The good old days: he/him/his

(I don't actually know if these days were good, but they're somewhat old.)  It was once universally accepted to use the masculine in the case of an unknown gender, so that whether a sentence was about an athlete, doctor, homeless person, or convicted felon, we just went with the masculine pronoun and made a mental note that we didn't really know the sex of the person.

The above sentence, then, would suggest that a person should befriend his neighbors.

2. The unwieldy alternative: he or she / him or her / his or her

With the advent of widespread political correctness, this new bulky option became the norm.  The obvious drawback is that it's triple the word count.  This isn't terrible when you need to use it once, but if you have 4 or 5 unknown-gender situations in a row in speech or writing, these added words are agonizingly cumbersome.

Back to neighbors: a person should befriend his or her neighbors.

3. The current answer to the bulky "his or her": mixing up "her" and "his"

In modern books, authors refuse to pay the price of repeated "his or her"s.  So the current trend is to get a good mix of the sexes in the pronouns.  Usually a male author will use "her" the first couple times -- just to ensure, presumably, that he's not sexist -- then go to an alternating system of "his" and "her".

Ex. A person should try to befriend her neighbors... A doctor must cultivate healthy relationships with her nurses... A politician must listen closely to his constituents... her... his... her... his...

4. The grating, terribly incorrect solution in speech: they/them/their

And this, English-speaking friends, is why I wrote this grammar tip.  In casual speech, people will handle the unknown-gender problem by using a plural pronoun, since plurals aren't gender-specific.  Unfortunately for the many people who do this, it sounds (to at least a few of us) like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Returning to the example of Mr. Rogers... A person should try to befriend their neighbors.

Do you see how catastrophic that is?!?  "Person" is singular.  "Their" is plural.  "I" am irate.


I leave you with no hope

Just kidding.  There's always hope.  But in this dilemma, I don't know what to tell you.  Here goes:  When speaking, just say "his or her", or pick a winner.  When writing something serious, go with option 3 above.  When writing on Tangent Space(s) or an equivalently silly project, go with shis every time.

Thoughts?  Questions?  Ideas for future grammar tips?

Jon